Things I've Learned from Hospice

Soon after I graduated nursing school I overheard another nurse say that 'hospice is where old and tired nurses go to work'.  I am not sure what she really meant by that.  Maybe she was implying that hospice nurses don't work as hard as other nurses.  Or maybe she meant that hospice nurses don't have to use any skills.  Or maybe they don't have to be as smart or think as hard. 

That nurse... she didn't know what she was talking about.

I've never worked harder.  There are some days that I can't make a complete sentence when I get home because I am just mentally exhausted.  (I couldn't remember the words "contestant" and "try-out" while watching the X-Factor last week! You can ask Michael as he patiently waited and heard me struggle to  make a complete sentence!)

There are days that I am so emotionally drained that there is no emotion left in me. 

There are days that I can't stand to hear the phone ring because the phone rang non-stop. 

There are days that I was more than a nurse.  I was a nurse's aid.  I was a social worker.  I was a marriage counselor.  I was a pastor.  I was just someone to listen.  I was someone to hold a hand. 

There are days that I wish I could stick my head out the door and yell for another nurse to come take a look, or a listen, or bounce ideas off of.  Instead it's just me and the patient.  All those things I've learned along the road of nursing... I hope and pray they get me to where I need to be.

I broke down yesterday feeling as though I had failed a patient because I couldn't make this patient better.  The doctor on my team reminded me that I am not going to ever be able to make this patient better.  But, I haven't failed this patient.  I was reminded that we are taking care of the sickest patients.  Their bodies are giving out.  We are not going to be able to fix them.  Anything we do maybe gives them a few more months, weeks, days, or minutes.  But we haven't failed them.

It's so hard to switch a mindset of healing to palliative care.  I realize that I am still new to hospice and it's going to take time to fully be comfortable with this type of patient care.  More importantly, I need to remember to have patience with myself.

I need to remember that as long as I give my best, I will never fail a patient.

~jen  

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Time to finish this up...

Day 28:
Today I am thankful for the unconditional love of my parents.  They have tried to set the best example of Christian parents for my brother and I.  They have loved us unconditionally.  I have made my share of mistakes over the years, I may have embarrassed my parents a time or two, but their love and support has never waivered. 

Day 29:
Today I am thankful for forgiveness and grace.  Spiritually, I have stumbled and fallen over these last few months.     

Day 30:
Today I am thankful for Michael.  I am thankful that he works hard at work.  I am thankful for the father he is to the boys.  Even as I type this, he's at the gym with Caden working on some basketball skills. I am thankful that 18 years ago he stood by my side when he could have walked away.  While our marriage is far from perfect and we have our trials and struggles, as I am sure most couples do, we continue to try to make it work.  Marriage is hard work some days.  But we make it work.

Another 30 days of  Thanksgiving is complete.  I am reminded of how blessed I am.  There are a lot more than these 30 things to be thankful for. 

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 26:
Today I am thankful for lazy Saturdays with no agenda.  They don't happen very often with my two busy boys, but when they do... I sure do enjoy them!

Day 27:
Today I am thankful for a wonderful family photographer.  We are blessed to have Michael's sister as our personal photographer!  Thanks, Angie, for always doing such a great job!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 24:
Today I am thankful for the extended family I like to think of as my own.  When I married Michael, I gained a very large family of in-laws!  I am blessed to have so many wonderful in-laws!

Day 25:
Today I am thankful for the Black Friday specials I was able to find even after getting 8 hours of peaceful sleep! No midnight shopping for this girl!  Nothing better than meeting a good friend for coffee at 7:45 in the morning then hitting the less crowded stores and still able to get some special deals!

Boobie Check ~aka~ Reality Check

**Warning... read at your own discretion!  There will be talk of boobies...  my boobies!**

Saturday, I discovered a lump.  The area surrounding the lump is very tender to painful at times.  The lump is about the size of a bean.  The tender area is about the size of a half-dollar or so.  I have never had any issues like this before so it is all pretty worrisome.

I saw my family doctor on Tuesday.  During the exam, we discovered several other tender areas as well.  I'm a few weeks away from my next cycle, so we don't think the areas of concern are related to hormone changes.  The doctor was fairly confident that this is not a cancer issue, but more of a fibrocystic disease.

I'm scheduled to have a diagnostic evaluation on Monday morning.  It will consist of a mammogram, ultrasound, and possible biopsy.

I'll be glad to have the procedure over and done with.  I've seen and heard the mammogram jokes.  So, I'm not looking forward to the visit at all.  But, hopefully I'll have some more definitive answers.

We all know someone who has been affected by breast cancer.  So, I can tell you that this has been a reality check for me.  It's a reminder to stay in tune with my body and what's going on.  It's a reminder to keep those annual appointments.  As a nurse I know that early detection is the key to any disease.  

I am mostly confident all will be ok.  (There's always a little worry!)  Prayers are appreciated!
~jen    

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 20:
Today I am thankful for the generosity of others.  Cody won an iPad 2 last night at his employer's holiday party and is so very excited to have his new toy!  May he be very responsible with his new, expensive gift!

Day 21:
Today I am thankful for a short work-week!    

Day 22:
Today I am thankful for the knowledge and advice of our family doctor.  We have been blessed over the years to have some of the best doctors caring for us!

Day 23:
Today I am thankful for recipes handed down from generation to generation.  But, none of them taste as good as those baked in the ovens of Granny, Grandma, and Mom.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 19:
Today I am thankful for Caden's happy spirit during each and every basketball game.  There has not been a game where we did not watch Caden smile from the moment the game started until it ended.  He LOVES to play sports.  For the past 3 weekends, I have had 3 different mothers from our team come up to me and tell me what a joy it is for them to watch Caden play basketball.  They love his smiling face and happy spirit.  Win or lose, he's smiling the whole game!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 16:
Today I am thankful for Peppermint Mocha's.  I love these especially on a cold morning!

Day 17:
Today I am thankful for my new Billy Blanks Tae Bo workout DVD's that arrived today!  So very excited to get started.  I love my Body Combat class at the town club, but too many times I am unable to attend the classes.  Now I can workout at home with my favorite workout partner... Caden!  He loved the one or two times he got to go with me to the Combat class (until they restricted the class to just adults!).

Day 18:
Today I am thankful for the job that I am blessed to be a part of.  Today was our Celebration of Life service.  Prior to every holiday season, families who have lost loved ones during the year are invited to attend the service.  Each family member brings an ornament to place on an empty Christmas tree.  Ornaments from the previous years are displayed on separate trees.  I spent several minutes looking at the ornaments from the previous years.  Tears quickly fell as I realized each ornament represented someone's loved one who passed away.  After the service, we had to take down the trees.  Each ornament was carefully wrapped and placed in a box for next year's service.  It is a privilege and honor to be apart of these families lives.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 15:
Today I am thankful for SCHOLARSHIPS!!!  So very excited for Cody and his future!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 12: Today I am thankful that I get to be a cheerleader mom.  I love to watch my boys play sports.  I love to cheer them on in each and every sport they choose to play!

Day 13: Today I am thankful for the groceries that I was able to purchase.  Our needs have never gone unmet.  We have never suffered from hunger.  We've never had to go without.  For that I am thankful.

Day 14: Today I am thankful for my sweet patients who continue to bless me everyday.  I learn from them.  I am reminded to be patient.  To not be in such a hurry.  To take time to just sit and visit.  Sometimes I get in such a rush to go in, complete my assessment, fill a pill box, call in refills to the pharmacy, that I forget to just take time to visit with them.  I had one patient tell me today that she loves the days I come see her because it gives her someone to talk to.  I am thankful for the blessing I receive from my patients.

Outlive Your Life

I'm taking a break from my 30 Days of Thanksgiving posts to share some personal thoughts.  Earlier this week, we heard the news of a tragedy that affected Michael's hometown.  A 37 year old... a daughter, a wife, a mother... was tragically killed in a weather related car accident just outside of Amarillo.  

I did not know her.  I knew of her, but did not know her personally.  Soon after hearing the news of her death I came across this video that was made almost a year ago to the date of her death.  I've watched it a few times now and thought I would share it.  Even though I did not know this beautiful woman, her words have touched my heart deeply. The morning after Michael received the call of her accident, I broke down crying after I realized that we were the same age.  Only 37.

Take a moment and watch her video.  What a powerful reminder to remember to Outlive Your Life.  

The morning of her death, Denai recorded a message on Grief- Loss of a Spouse, Parent, Child(ren) on blogtalkradio.  You can listen to it here.

My prayers continue for those who knew Denai.  For her family and friends.  I wish I had known her.  What a beautiful testimony her life was... and continues to be.

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

I am struggling to stay on top of this.  How sad is this that I can't find (or make) 10 minutes to stop, sit down, and type.  I haven't made this a priority.  I am hoping to find renewed focus and complete this every day!
 
Day 9:
Today I am thankful for the wonderful teachers that teach my children every school day.  They are such a blessing and I appreciate all that they do!

Day 10:
Today I am thankful for a beautiful home.  For years we rented.  Our home was never really our home until we were blessed to purchase our very own home 3 years ago.  We live in a wonderful neighborhood and are surrounded by friendly neighbors.  We are blessed to make this house our home.

Day 11:
Today I am thankful for our freedom and for those that continue to fight for our freedom today.  Thank you to those who have served and for those who are serving today.  Thank you for fighting for my freedom.

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

I've fallen behind.  Life has been so busy lately and there has not been enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Day 6:
Today I am thankful for the extended family I gained when I married Michael.  I have been blessed with some of the best in-laws!  To each of you, I love you as my own family!

Day 7:
Today I am thankful for my nursing degree.  It was a struggle to obtain, but I am so glad I held in there and got through school.  I am blessed everyday to be a nurse.

Day 8:
Today I am thankful that I was given another opportunity to hug my children.  Last night a 37 year old woman from Michael's hometown was killed in a car accident.  While I didn't know her personally, my heart just aches for her family.  This morning I broke down crying just thinking about how we are the same age.  We are both mothers, wives, daughters... Today I am thankful for another day.  Everything can change in the blink of an eye.

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 5:
Today I am thankful for the many birthday wishes I received throughout the day.  What a blessing it was!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 4:
I thankful for good friends.  I am blessed with a wonderful group of friends.  At any moment I can pick up the phone and any one of them will be there for me.  I hope they know the same is true for them.  Thru facebook, I've been reconnected with so many friends from high school.  It is such a joy to stay in touch even though I haven't seen many of them in years!  Thank you to all my friends for being apart of my life.

30 days of Thanksgiving

Day 3:
Today I am thankful for my job.  While I complained earlier today about working 9 1/2 hours today (without a break), I do enjoy my job.  I can see this being my career.  I've struggled finding my niche within my nursing career.  But, this may be it.  I am blessed to work for an amazing company with such wonderful benefits and caring co-workers.  In today's economy, I am blessed to just have a job.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 2:
Today I am thankful for my two precious boys.  What joy they have brought to my life.  Everyday they remind me how blessed I am to be their mom.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Every November for the past few years I've tried to take a moment each day to give thanks for the important (and sometimes not so important) things.  I'm going to continue this tradition this year.  The items that I am thankful for are not listed in any particular order of importance.  Some days, it's the simple things that I am thankful for.  Other days, I focus on more important and meaningful things.

Here's the previous year's lists...

November 2010

November 2009

November 2008

November 2007

30 Days of Thanksgiving 2011

 

Day 1:

Today I am thankful for this blog and the journey that has been documented over the last five years.  We've come through so many things.  The good and the bad.  It's all been documented to review, to focus on, to learn from, to see that I overcame a struggle, or to remember that a prayer was answered.  

The journey continues.  

~jen   

Just the latest day-to-day...

It's hard to believe that the end of October is here.  I am amazed at how quickly time is passing by.  Too quickly if you asked me!  Cody's tournament season has come to an end.  He's focusing on deciding on which colleges to apply to.  We've got a deadline of December 1st looming upon us.  He hasn't decided yet where he'd like to apply.  The college tournament season has ended so Cody is hoping that he'll have a little more contact with a few coaches.  He's had a little interest so far.  He's received multiple emails from a coach at a community college in Snyder.  It's just a 2 year school, but it would be a great place to get some basic courses out of the way and continue to grow and improve in his golf game.  And it's just 3 hours away!  Bonus for me!  Further down the road... 1300ish miles to be exact... he's received a few emails from Limestone College in Gaffney, South Carolina.  Cody's called the coach to visit with him.  Now we're just waiting on a return call.  It's all so exciting and heartbreaking all at the same time.  While I'd love to see him stay closer to home (or at least in Texas), we'll support him wherever he wants to go (within reason!)

Cade finished up his football season a couple of weeks ago.  Basketball started this past week.  So much for my agenda free weekends!  At least I got a couple of them these past 2 weekends!  It will be exciting to see Caden playing some basketball.  It's one of my favorite sports to watch my boys play.  He's doing well in school.  So far he's received 5 Caught Being Good Cards.  I may need to implement these at home!  His Mimi and Pawpaw gave him some "walking around money" while they were here and Caden decided to purchase a fishing pole.  He loves his new fishing pole, Mom and Dad!  And no hook accidents as of yet... other than the one I found deep in my couch!  He's been fishing once with Cody.  But no luck catching anything yet!

As for me... I wish I could report I've lost another 20 pounds but I've sort-of fallen off the wagon.  There's no sort-of.  I have fallen off the wagon.  I haven't been to the gym in several weeks.  I've kept off about 17 pounds of the 20 that I lost over the summer.  I'm sad to think where I would be had I kept to my commitment.  It's so easy to loose focus.  There was so much freedom to the summer and it was so much easier to get to the gym.  With school, practices, an increasing work-load, and all the other day-to-day activities... there's not much time for the gym.  I'm trying to make my evening routines a little easier for this week.  I bought a new crock pot and have planned at least 4 crock pot meals for this week.  Hopefully that will make getting to the gym after work a little easier.  We'll see.

Another birthday is approaching this week.  I'm not keeping track, but it's my 8th 29th birthday.  AGAIN... where has time gone?  This past Friday I was able to meet one of my good friends at AHS to attend the pep rally.  We both went to AHS.  She graduated a year before me.  But this year we are experiencing our boys graduating from AHS.  I am so thankful to have her support through this emotional journey!  Anyways, we got to feel like teenagers again.  We were very well behaved though.  We didn't embarrass our children or ourselves!  It was a blast.  Such wonderful memories from years ago and new ones to hold onto.

That's it for our day-to-day for now...
~jen

5 Year Blogoversary!

5 years ago I sat down at my computer and created my first blog.  Initially it was a project to journal the day-to-day events of our lives with hopes to keep my parents and grandparents connected to us.  

455 posts later... it's still a work in progress.  The days between posts are further and further apart than that first year.

There's so much "life" in these posts.  The good, the bad, and the... what was I thinking posting that!  I've loved this journal.  Some day, I'm going to have it printed.

Here's a look back to October 3, 2006 (I was a little overzealous with 4 posts that day!):

Here Goes

Cody... 12 going on 18

Caden-isms

Ouch! 3 Shots Today!

To my parents and grandparents, I hope you have felt a little connected to our day to day lives over the years.  Wishing the miles between us were not so many!

To those following this blog... thank you for your comments.  Thank you for showing care, concern, and support over the years through the good and the bad!

I don't know if I'll make it another 5 years, but we'll see.  As long as these boys of mine give me something to blog about... I'll continue!

Love,
~jen

Different Moms

Last week I read several posts on facebook from moms about their kiddos going back to school.  For some, it was a day of praise and hallelujahs!  For some, there was no emotion.  It was just another day in the life of _____ (you can fill in the blank).  For others, there might have been a few tears.  I fit in that last category.  I'll be honest, there was a little sadness.  There were a few tears.  Not sobbing... can't catch my breath... slobbering kind of crying.  There were just a few tears.

I read one mom post on facebook that she must be the most unemotional mom because she didn't cry when she dropped her kids off at school.  I recently read another mom post that crying steals the excitement of the moment and places the attention on the mom rather than the child.

So here's my thought.  I think nothing less of the mom that was exited to see her children going back to school.  Or the mom screaming hallelujah after seeing her children off to school.  Or the mom that had no emotion.  Or the other moms who shed a few tears.  We are all on different emotional paths in watching our children grow.  Just because I cried a few tears doesn't mean I don't want my children to grow up and become productive adults.  My tears are not going to prevent that, either.  Just because I cried doesn't make me any less of a mom.  Or any better of a mom.  And my crying had nothing to do with stealing any moment.  If anything, my children saw my tears, and they saw my smiles, and my laughter through those tears.  I hope they saw how much I loved them and how much I loved that moment of sending them off for their first day of school.  For that one memory will remain with me until my last day.  And just maybe they will remember that day years from now as well.  (And just for the record... my tears were hidden from Caden.  I did not want to send him off to school with him wondering why his mom was crying.  Because at the age of 9, he may not quite understand it all.  And also for the record... my 17 year old just told me that I did not steal any moment from him that first day because, after-all, he's seen a few tears and he's used to it!)

The point I'm trying to make is that we shouldn't compare ourselves to other mothers.  We're all different.  We all come from different backgrounds.  We're all on different levels when it comes to our emotions.  We're mothers of children at different ages and different "firsts".  Some may be sending their babies off to their first day of day care.  Some, their first day of kindergarten... third grade, middle school, high school, senior year, first day of college... whatever it may be.  Each of us is going to handle these "firsts" differently.  Just because a mom handles it differently than you do, it doesn't necessarily mean you're right or wrong because you handled it differently.  I know my heart and my love for my children and that's all that matters.  I don't have to explain my tears anymore than you have to explain your lack of tears.  I don't have to explain the ache I feel in my soul watching my children grow up.... anymore than you have to explain your excitement.  That's what makes us different.

So instead of pointing out the differences, why not support each other in the joy of motherhood and all that makes us different.

~jen
 

Finding my focus.

I think I've found my blogging mojo.  Third day in a row post mojo.  Wow.  We'll see how long I can keep this up.  I'm sure I'll run out of things to talk about.  Oh wait... golf starts back soon.  There will be my something to talk about!  

I started back to working out this week.  Took it easy Monday with a treadmill work out.  First though, I had to face my fear.  Face the inevitable.  Face my lack of exercise.  Dum, dum, dummm.  I had to face the scale.

I knew for sure that my month long sabbatical from exercise and dieting would result in a gain of the 20 pounds I'd lost.  I just knew it.  I could feel it.  The verdict... 3 pounds.  Now, while I'm silently breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't gain 20 pounds, the gnawing in my stomach wasn't the extra 3 pounds, it was the thought of where could I have been had I not quit.  Could I have been down another 10, another 15?  Quite possibly.

Tonight I made it back to aerobics.  There were a few... "Hey, where have you been?" comments from my fellow combaters.  Which was nice to hear.  It was that accountability that I needed.  Of course, those comments were from strangers, but still they cared enough to send me that little bit of reminder that I hadn't been where I should have been.

I am hopeful that I will get my focus back.  I've still got a long way to go.  A l-o-n-g way to go.  Got to stay focused on the road ahead.
~jen

Remembering...

This afternoon I stopped at the cemetery.  I pass this cemetery almost weekly as it is near the home of one my patients.  Several months ago I was blessed to be apart of one of the sweetest families I've ever known.  I was blessed to take care of their sweet baby.  Today I wanted to stop and remember this precious little one.  To whisper a hello.  To say a prayer for his parents and loved ones.  

There are days that I take too many things for granted.  Today I was reminded of my blessings.  

~jen   

First Day of School

First day of school: Done.  What excitement there was this morning.  New clothes.  New shoes.  Saved just for today.  Caden was up bright and early with nothing but smiles.  Cody was up all on his own, an hour before he needed to be at school.... just to please my request of a first day of school photo.  It's been a tradition since Cody started kindergarten.  I couldn't let his senior year be any different.

I was doing pretty good this morning.  No tears.  That was until I focused in on these two smiling at the camera. All of a sudden it hit me that this is the very last first day of school picture that these two will share.  Once I comprehended this thought... the tears started rolling.  I got myself together to walk Caden to the end of the street and watched him cross the street safely, then I had to wait till he reached the front doors.  Once he was out of my sight, I turned and headed home.  I needed the moment to collect myself.

I found Cody gathering up his things in his room.  He stood, towering me by almost a foot, and he let me hug him.  No stopping the tears then.  The moment was here.  My oldest child is a senior.

~jen  


 

Letting go...

The end of summer is here.  It's been a wonderful summer.  Full of golf and swimming.  (I've got one of my best tans ever!)  It's so amazing to wonder where time has gone.  It didn't pass any more quickly than any other summer.  It seems as though we just finished last school year and now it's time for another to start.

One of the moments I've been dreading for the past few years is here.  Cody will begin his senior year tomorrow.  I got Caden tucked into bed and stood in the hallway watching Cody load up his back pack with pens, pencils, notebooks, and a few organizational tools (we'll see how well those work out!).  Tears quickly formed.  I fought them back until Cody caught me watching him.  He shook his head and smiled.  It's so unreal to have watched our baby grow up to be a young man.  Moments of time flashed before me while watching him.  First smile, first word, first step... all of those firsts transitioned to moments of "lasts".

The countdown of the "lasts" will continue.  His last homecoming.  His last "spirit" week.  His last high school golf tournament.  His last prom.  His graduation.  (No "last" there just yet... I am determined to have a college graduation to attend!)

While there are tears this evening... it's all bittersweet.  There is sadness for the passing of yesterday, but there is excitement for tomorrow.  As a friend once told me, we raise our children to leave us... to be independent of us.  I am excited to see that independence.  I am dreading the next nine months.  It will be an emotional journey.  Hopefully in the end, I'll find the peace and the courage that I need... to let go.

~jen

Merry go Round of Life

Haven't been to the gym in over a week and a half.  Seem to have eaten everything in sight these last few days.  Not sleeping.  Awake at 3 am every morning (except today, I got to sleep in till 5:56 am).  Headaches every morning (day 5).  Can't get my mind to shut off.... thinking about work, thinking about my patients, thinking about the kids back to school to do list, bills, worries, stress, the list goes on and on.  I need the merry go round ride of life to slow down and let me catch up.  Need to find a way to get back on track.  I need to get my butt back to the gym before the 20 pounds that were lost are soon found! And when there's found pounds, there's usually a few extras!  I'm dreading stepping on the scale.  Dreading seeing the lack of effort displayed before me.

I hate this cycle of depression.  As soon as I get to a good place, a set back.  A little stress soon becomes a big stress.  Two cookies becomes 4.  One skipped workout becomes missing for almost 2 weeks.  Negative thoughts consume me.  Can't sleep. Headaches.  

Got to find that inner drive and wake it up.  Got to get back to a better place... spiritually, emotionally, physically.  The merry go round ride of life, full of ups and downs, continues....  

~jen  

What's on my mind....

.... so much this evening.  Who knows what rambling may occur with this post.

I feel myself falling into that old familiar slump.  Sadness has a way of creeping in and taking over.  I was so looking forward to my weekend getaway to see my family and attend a family reunion.  The miles that separate us seem to go on and on forever.  Too many months pass between visits.  Hugs that were given seem to fade and need to recharged to last till the next visit.  Mom and I had been counting down the days till we could see each other and sneak in a long overdue trip to Sam Moon (with Dad's credit card, of course!)!  Instead the boys and I had to turn around at Childress and head home.  Praying that whatever was wrong with my car would hold off just a bit longer so we could just make it home.

The Young Family Reunion was missed.  Family that I haven't seen in years will have to wait till the next reunion.  Hugs from my parents and grandparents will have to wait till the next trip.  Praying that next trip won't be too far from now.  A few months between visits can easily slip into several months between visits.  We get too busy with "life".  Work, school, golf, football, finances, messed up cars... all a part of life.  Somewhere in there the balance gets out of whack.  What's really important gets lost in the day to day shuffle of life.

I miss my family every day.  Not a day goes by that one of them doesn't cross my mind.  So now, I wait till the next trip.  The next weekend getaway.  I pray I don't have to wait too long.  Until then, I wait.  Holding onto that last hug.

~jen  

Remembering Maxine

This week I learned of the passing of a dear sweet lady, Mrs. Maxine Payton.  When I was 2 my parents and I moved to Hobbs, New Mexico and for the next 6-7 years or so, Hobbs was our home.  During that time, we attended Jefferson Street Church of Christ and my parents and our family were "adopted" by the Payton's.  Maxine and Lowell were the most wonderful Christian individuals.  They opened their home and their hearts to my family.  Even after we moved to Amarillo, there were yearly trips to Hobbs on our way to Pine Springs church camp.  I can still remember stopping by their home to visit them.  I even remember grabbing onto an electric fence to get a better look at Lowell's horses and cows only to get a jolt of electricity sent through my body!  Lesson learned there!  They were one of the sweetest families that I have ever known.

I'm sad that as an adult, I let too much time slip by, or got to busy, or just forgot to stay in touch.  I know my mother stayed in touch with Maxine and Lowell as often as she could.  Lowell passed away several years ago and mom continued to stay in touch with Maxine.

It's sad to look back and think what opportunities were missed by not sending a card every once in a while.  It's a sad feeling to realize those missed opportunities.  It's a reminder to not let life get too busy that I don't take the time to tell those who are special to me just why they are so special.  This is one of those simple but profound little reminders of missed opportunities.
~jen

My sweet 9 year old...

Another year.  Another birthday.  Caden is 9 years old.  Wow.  Time is passing by way too quickly.  My sweet, sweet Caden is growing up.  I pray he remains sweet.  :)

~jen

The Journey

I'm beginning my third week of my new job.  It's been an emotional journey thus far.  I'm quite sure the journey will only continue.  One day during my first week I observed another nurse.  We went to see a couple of patients in one of the nursing homes here in town.  I can't remember the last time I was in a nursing home so I was a little taken back after walking in.  It was hard to not personalize my surroundings, but I did.  I immediately thought of my sweet great-grandmother who resided in a nursing home.  I thought of my aging grand-parents.  I thought of my parents.  Then I thought of myself.  I kept telling myself I don't want to get older.  I don't want to be an "old" person.  I want time to stand still.
I can't make time stand still.  We will all die.  It's the natural process of life. While I know that statement is true, it doesn't keep me from still wishing to make time stand still.
The journey continues.    
~jen      

Changes

change

Verb: Make or become different

Noun: The act or instance of making or becoming different

I'm on a path of change.  Several weeks ago I started attending aerobics on a semi-consistent schedule.  That has changed to a consistent schedule.  In the past I made excuses to miss aerobics.  Not any more.  I'm beginning to see the results of consistently working out.  13 pounds.  My overall goal: 120 pounds.  That's a whole person.  That's an enormous goal to think about.  So, I've broken that overall goal to mini-goals of 10 pounds.  I've reached my first 10 pound mini-goal.  11 more mini-goals to go.  This isn't a race.  I haven't set a time-line.  Well, I take that back.  I have set a few time-lines.  I'd like at least 30 pounds gone by the first of August.  I'd like another 40 pounds gone by the end of the year.  And hopefully before Cody graduates, I'll be close to my overall goal.  But, like I said, this isn't a race.  It's a marathon.  It's a lifestyle change.  Recently someone asked me why the change.  Honestly... I don't like who I am anymore.  I want to change.  

I have several cheerleaders.  My friends and family are cheering me on.  My biggest cheerleader is Caden.  Several times he has to go with me to the club.  He's too young to stay at home by himself.  He's too young to swim at the pool while I work out.  He's too old to go to the daycare at the club.  He's too young to "work-out" at the club.  So he sits in the club and plays the Wii, or watches TV, or plays on his DS while I work out for an hour.  He has never once complained.  Not once has he said, "I don't want to go".  He's probably been my biggest supporter.  Cheering me on with every pound lost.  An eight year old is helping me change.

      

Another change... tomorrow I will start a new job.  I'll be working as a Case Manager with a local home hospice health care organization.  I am full of emotions.  Excited.  Scared.  Nervous.  I hope I am strong enough to handle the emotional aspect of this job.  I am looking forward to starting this journey.  

Life is full of changes.  We have two choices when it comes to change... be in fear of it, or look at it with excitement.

~jen

Randomness of Life

This post is just some random thoughts of life...

Life is in full swing in our household.

Prom has passed. (Whew, thank goodness that emotional roller coaster is behind me!) Cody was as handsome as ever (I know I am biased). There were many tears. As I helped him get dressed that evening, the tears were just rolling down my cheeks. And he just stood there. He didn't patronize me. He didn't make fun of me. He didn't roll his eyes. He just stood there and let me cry. And then he gave me a hug. It was an amazing, emotional, and heartfelt experience for me.

So here we are now, one week from finishing his junior year. His junior year, people. I am struggling with the fact that he will be a senior next year. Not next year... in 3 months. As I looked through his year book last night, I found myself looking through the senior baby ads and couldn't help but think, in a few short months, I'll be preparing his senior baby ad. We'll be applying for colleges. Starting to prepare for graduation. Time has flown by. I wish more than anything I could go back just for a day. Relive all those moments that passed so quickly. Holding him in my arms, rocking him to sleep, first words, first steps, sweet I love you's, and everything in between to today... to this moment of a 17 year old young man walking in the door from work, only to head back out for a quick round of golf with his Dad and Caden. As much as I am so excited to see him experience his senior year and prepare for his future, part of me just can't even imagine what life will be like after he graduates. To think that one day, he's going to be gone. Off on his own, living his own life. I am reminded that as a mother, I am preparing him to leave. I need someone to prepare me for that.

Thankfully, I've got several years before I have to think about Caden leaving me! :)

Caden is loving life right now. He's playing softball. We missed the sign up deadline for baseball. So, second option was softball. He's loving it. He's learning the ins and outs of the game. He's realizing that he loves to hit those home-runs! Just about every game he gets a couple of them! And in true Caden style... he's smiling the whole game! That's what brings me such joy. Not the home-runs, but to see his bright smile during the whole game. He loves sports and just like his brother... I think he's going to be an all-around athlete!

Caden's so excited that school is almost over and summer vacation is just days away. He can not wait to take full advantage of our golf club's brand new swimming pool. He's got a few camps to attend this summer and he's looking forward to playing in a few golf tournaments as well. Ahh... the life of an eight year old (soon to be nine year old!).

Life for me... well... I have been in a slump for about the last two months. Just down, feeling lost, struggling with life's insecurities, struggling in several aspects both emotionally and spiritually. I spent a good portion of yesterday thinking about "the end of the world" doomsday hooplah circulating through every aspect of the media. It really got me thinking though on a more spiritual level. What if yesterday was the end of the world. Would I be ready? That's a powerful question.

I always struggle with how to end these posts. So I think for now, especially because the last couple of sentences in the previous paragraph have now got me thinking deeply... I'll just say good night until next time. :)

~jen

Tears

Today has been one of the most difficult, emotional, and challenging days thus far into my nursing career.

I have been in tears for the majority of the day. They come in waves, from a single tear to an enormous crushing wave of tears and sorrow.

I wasn't a very professional nurse today for I cried numerous times. Sometimes while holding and comforting family members as they cried, or when loving and holding a precious soul.

I came across a poem this evening.

“When you’re a nurse, you know that every day you will touch a life

or a life will touch yours.” —Author Unknown

Today, I hope both happened.

I know that my life has forever been touched by a precious soul. I pray that I made a difference in his. I pray that he was comforted when needed. I pray he knows he is loved.

Tonight, I will hold both my own children just a little tighter and just a little longer than they would like. I will tell them how much I love them. I will say a prayer of thanksgiving to our Father for blessing me with two healthy children.

I will say a prayer for comfort and understanding for those who may be hurting.

I will hold on to today, and take it with me, so that I may become a better nurse tomorrow.

I will remind myself that it's ok to cry. For the one day I don't cry or feel an emotion, that's the one day I need to find a new career. Because that's not the kind of nurse that I want to be. That's not the kind of nurse I am.

That's not the kind of person I am.

~jen

Happy Birthday Cody

Last year I created a special 16th birthday post. The words written one year ago are still true today. So, for this year's post... I added more pictures to last year's post!

Click here:

Happy Birthday, Cody.

~jen

Mom vs Working Mom

There is an inner battle brewing. Mom vs Working Mom. I don't know how to make the two personas work together. I dislike working so much at this very moment. This week I'm facing a 59 hour work-week starting tomorrow through next Friday (6 days straight). (And don't anyone comment about the overtime pay... because I could care less about the money. Because at the end of the day, money doesn't replace missed time with either of my kids.)

Cody just told me he's going to the Borger Tourney next Friday. I am so excited for him. But Mom will miss that tournament because Working Mom has to work. I know thousands of moms and dads work. And thousands of moms and dads miss their kid's activities. And I know that there are several thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of individuals desperately searching for employment and here I am complaining about working. I know. I know. I should just stop complaining and get over it.

Ugh.

But that's the thing... I don't know how to get over it. I have to work. Therefore, I have to miss some of my kids activities.

If you are a mom/dad that gets to stay at home, work your Working Mom/Dad schedule around your kid's schedule, or are lucky enough to have a work schedule that follows the school schedule... know how blessed you are.

I'm finished with my pity-party.

~jen

Cadenism

Not a day goes by that this precious little one doesn't make me laugh or at least question my sanity. He is growing up so quickly. With that growth comes achieving developmental milestones. He's right where he should be for his age. His latest developmental milestone deals more with his own inner conscious. He's discovered lying. Last night at dinner at Hoffbrau, Caden was caught in a flat out lie. The look on his face one he realized he had been busted was priceless.

His lie: his reading assignment from Monday evening. He decided to play Michael and I against one another and told each of us that he read to the other parent. Pretty smart. The only problem was when I asked Michael if he remembered to fill out Caden's reading assignment daily log that morning. The tangled lie fell apart at that moment. With a few more comments between Michael and I... "no, I thought you did since Caden read to you... Caden didn't read to me, he said he read to you..." we quickly discovered that our witty 8 year old had played us both.

Thank goodness this conversation took place at the end of our meal and as we were leaving the restaurant.

The car ride home was filled with many "I'm sorry's" and "I'll never lie again's" for Caden knew a punishment was imminent.

His punishment needed to be stern for unfortunately this is not Caden's first lie. He seems to dislike brushing his teeth and has been caught with a dry toothbrush a few times after telling us he brushed his teeth. He had been warned. He had been lectured. He had been reminded that the bible teaches us that we are not to lie.

He received a swift single spanking and was grounded from all electronics. One would have thought that the spanking would have been worse... but losing all electronic devices sent this little one into a frenzy. So much so that he decided to inflict a little self-punishment. No electronic devices, soon turned to him huffing that maybe he shouldn't be allowed to even have access to the lights, because after all they are powered by electricity. He then decided to kick it up a notch. He should just have to do without water as well. This of course was shortly after he was told to go take a shower. After a few minutes of pouting, and a little ranting, I found a semi-naked Caden sitting in a dark bathroom.

Little to his liking, he was quickly assisted to the shower with threats of losing more important things... like golf. There was the magic word. Golf. Note to self: start with taking away golf.

That shower seemed to do him some good. He came out into the living room a brand new 8 year old little boy. A little while later while we were laying in my bed talking, he gave me the sweetest, most sincere "I'm sorry" that I have ever heard. And a promise to never lie again.

While I know that last statement may not hold true... I think Caden learned a valuable lesson last night.

He still is one of the sweetest little 8 year olds I know. He still makes me laugh and smile each and every day. Parenting is a journey. Some days are better than others. I love these Cadenisms. I love this little boy.

~jen

Priceless Memories

So we took a little road trip a few weeks ago. A little road trip. 2,750 miles round trip to be exact. 22 hours each way. A nonstop road trip other than to fill up on gas, grab a bite to eat, or take a bathroom break. Insanity at it's best.

But, the memories my children (and their dad) (and lets face it... me) will hold onto forever, are priceless.

The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!

What is Normal?

For the last couple of weeks I've been anxiously awaiting the start of the new year. The holidays are always hectic. No matter how hard I try to keep everything organized and planned, it never happens the way I want it to. There were so many things that I didn't get done. We didn't have a kids' Christmas party for the nieces, nephews, and close friends; we didn't decorate cookies; I didn't get treats up to Caden's school for the support staff; we didn't make our gingerbread village (in fact, I've hidden it... out of sight, out of mind); we didn't go on an official tour of Christmas lights (it was more like... look Caden, there's some lights... as we drove home from wherever we had been.); and the list goes on. The week of Christmas was a disaster... my grandfather had some health issues, my parents were not able to come here, I had to call out Scottco on Christmas Eve morning to clear an overflowing laundry drain, I had to work Christmas Eve, Michael and I argued, our plans for Christmas day didn't quite work out like we planned, I ran my car into a utility pole, and Cody started feeling bad. Good grief. Needless to say, I was looking for a fresh start with the new year.

Well, here it is into the new year and things are not much better. Cody is sick with Mono. While I know it's just Mono, he's still sick. He still feels miserable. He has about a 2 hour window when he feels somewhat "better" but then after those 2 hours, he crashes. He's still my child, and I'm still his mom and I can't make this better. So while it's just Mono, and not some horrible disease that he'll have to live with forever or have surgery to repair, it's still something else that he has to go through, it's still something that I have to watch him go through. It's another spring semester set-back. This is the THIRD year in a row where he has missed part of his spring semester. (Freshman year- appendectomy and a small bowel obstruction, 2 surgeries; Sophomore year- dislocated patella and torn MCL.) This is one of his hardest academic years. He's taking Pre-AP Physics and AP History (college credit class). He can't afford to get behind in these classes, in any class for that matter.

Last night I mentioned to my dad that I was so looking forward to the start of the new year, to a new beginning, to get back to normal. Then I said... "whatever normal is". So, what is normal? After every little set-back during the week of Christmas, my dad would remind me of a phrase from a country song, he'd say... sounds like life to me. While I got a little fed up with life, he was right. It was just life. There's nothing normal to life. Living life is normal. Going through trials and struggles is normal. Running my car into a four foot utility pole that's been in the same location of our driveway since we purchased our house is normal. (Michael had to remind me that the pole in our driveway has always been there, it had not moved or just been placed there.) Let's face it, running my car into a utility pole isn't "normal" but it is life.

Stuff happens.

Defecation happens (to put it nicely).

Life happens.

This is my journey through life.

~jen