A couple of months ago I was assigned a new patient. Reality took a very hard and sharp turn once I realized that there was only a year and a few months age difference between my new patient and myself. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. And she is dying.
Self doubt creeped in. How could I care for her? Why me? There's no way I can do this. We're practically the same age! Then the voices of my co-workers, my team, my doctor, assuring me I was placed in this moment for a reason.
I've held her hands. Cried tears of sadness with her. Attempted to answer her questions on the dying process. Comforted her when she asked how she was ever going to be able to let go of her husband and children. All the while struggling to keep my composure intact. I've left her home numerous times needing to sit in my car for a few minutes to regroup. To pray.
My heart absolutely breaks watching her husband sit beside her, holding her. My heart aches knowing that hard and difficult conversations have taken place with their children. To look into the eyes of her mother, and know that the words "I'm sorry" do not even begin to comfort her.
This will be a patient that will stay with me forever. She unknowingly has taught me to a better nurse, a better mother, a better wife... she has made me better. For her, I am grateful.
~jen
