Different Moms

Last week I read several posts on facebook from moms about their kiddos going back to school.  For some, it was a day of praise and hallelujahs!  For some, there was no emotion.  It was just another day in the life of _____ (you can fill in the blank).  For others, there might have been a few tears.  I fit in that last category.  I'll be honest, there was a little sadness.  There were a few tears.  Not sobbing... can't catch my breath... slobbering kind of crying.  There were just a few tears.

I read one mom post on facebook that she must be the most unemotional mom because she didn't cry when she dropped her kids off at school.  I recently read another mom post that crying steals the excitement of the moment and places the attention on the mom rather than the child.

So here's my thought.  I think nothing less of the mom that was exited to see her children going back to school.  Or the mom screaming hallelujah after seeing her children off to school.  Or the mom that had no emotion.  Or the other moms who shed a few tears.  We are all on different emotional paths in watching our children grow.  Just because I cried a few tears doesn't mean I don't want my children to grow up and become productive adults.  My tears are not going to prevent that, either.  Just because I cried doesn't make me any less of a mom.  Or any better of a mom.  And my crying had nothing to do with stealing any moment.  If anything, my children saw my tears, and they saw my smiles, and my laughter through those tears.  I hope they saw how much I loved them and how much I loved that moment of sending them off for their first day of school.  For that one memory will remain with me until my last day.  And just maybe they will remember that day years from now as well.  (And just for the record... my tears were hidden from Caden.  I did not want to send him off to school with him wondering why his mom was crying.  Because at the age of 9, he may not quite understand it all.  And also for the record... my 17 year old just told me that I did not steal any moment from him that first day because, after-all, he's seen a few tears and he's used to it!)

The point I'm trying to make is that we shouldn't compare ourselves to other mothers.  We're all different.  We all come from different backgrounds.  We're all on different levels when it comes to our emotions.  We're mothers of children at different ages and different "firsts".  Some may be sending their babies off to their first day of day care.  Some, their first day of kindergarten... third grade, middle school, high school, senior year, first day of college... whatever it may be.  Each of us is going to handle these "firsts" differently.  Just because a mom handles it differently than you do, it doesn't necessarily mean you're right or wrong because you handled it differently.  I know my heart and my love for my children and that's all that matters.  I don't have to explain my tears anymore than you have to explain your lack of tears.  I don't have to explain the ache I feel in my soul watching my children grow up.... anymore than you have to explain your excitement.  That's what makes us different.

So instead of pointing out the differences, why not support each other in the joy of motherhood and all that makes us different.

~jen
 

Finding my focus.

I think I've found my blogging mojo.  Third day in a row post mojo.  Wow.  We'll see how long I can keep this up.  I'm sure I'll run out of things to talk about.  Oh wait... golf starts back soon.  There will be my something to talk about!  

I started back to working out this week.  Took it easy Monday with a treadmill work out.  First though, I had to face my fear.  Face the inevitable.  Face my lack of exercise.  Dum, dum, dummm.  I had to face the scale.

I knew for sure that my month long sabbatical from exercise and dieting would result in a gain of the 20 pounds I'd lost.  I just knew it.  I could feel it.  The verdict... 3 pounds.  Now, while I'm silently breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't gain 20 pounds, the gnawing in my stomach wasn't the extra 3 pounds, it was the thought of where could I have been had I not quit.  Could I have been down another 10, another 15?  Quite possibly.

Tonight I made it back to aerobics.  There were a few... "Hey, where have you been?" comments from my fellow combaters.  Which was nice to hear.  It was that accountability that I needed.  Of course, those comments were from strangers, but still they cared enough to send me that little bit of reminder that I hadn't been where I should have been.

I am hopeful that I will get my focus back.  I've still got a long way to go.  A l-o-n-g way to go.  Got to stay focused on the road ahead.
~jen

Remembering...

This afternoon I stopped at the cemetery.  I pass this cemetery almost weekly as it is near the home of one my patients.  Several months ago I was blessed to be apart of one of the sweetest families I've ever known.  I was blessed to take care of their sweet baby.  Today I wanted to stop and remember this precious little one.  To whisper a hello.  To say a prayer for his parents and loved ones.  

There are days that I take too many things for granted.  Today I was reminded of my blessings.  

~jen   

First Day of School

First day of school: Done.  What excitement there was this morning.  New clothes.  New shoes.  Saved just for today.  Caden was up bright and early with nothing but smiles.  Cody was up all on his own, an hour before he needed to be at school.... just to please my request of a first day of school photo.  It's been a tradition since Cody started kindergarten.  I couldn't let his senior year be any different.

I was doing pretty good this morning.  No tears.  That was until I focused in on these two smiling at the camera. All of a sudden it hit me that this is the very last first day of school picture that these two will share.  Once I comprehended this thought... the tears started rolling.  I got myself together to walk Caden to the end of the street and watched him cross the street safely, then I had to wait till he reached the front doors.  Once he was out of my sight, I turned and headed home.  I needed the moment to collect myself.

I found Cody gathering up his things in his room.  He stood, towering me by almost a foot, and he let me hug him.  No stopping the tears then.  The moment was here.  My oldest child is a senior.

~jen  


 

Letting go...

The end of summer is here.  It's been a wonderful summer.  Full of golf and swimming.  (I've got one of my best tans ever!)  It's so amazing to wonder where time has gone.  It didn't pass any more quickly than any other summer.  It seems as though we just finished last school year and now it's time for another to start.

One of the moments I've been dreading for the past few years is here.  Cody will begin his senior year tomorrow.  I got Caden tucked into bed and stood in the hallway watching Cody load up his back pack with pens, pencils, notebooks, and a few organizational tools (we'll see how well those work out!).  Tears quickly formed.  I fought them back until Cody caught me watching him.  He shook his head and smiled.  It's so unreal to have watched our baby grow up to be a young man.  Moments of time flashed before me while watching him.  First smile, first word, first step... all of those firsts transitioned to moments of "lasts".

The countdown of the "lasts" will continue.  His last homecoming.  His last "spirit" week.  His last high school golf tournament.  His last prom.  His graduation.  (No "last" there just yet... I am determined to have a college graduation to attend!)

While there are tears this evening... it's all bittersweet.  There is sadness for the passing of yesterday, but there is excitement for tomorrow.  As a friend once told me, we raise our children to leave us... to be independent of us.  I am excited to see that independence.  I am dreading the next nine months.  It will be an emotional journey.  Hopefully in the end, I'll find the peace and the courage that I need... to let go.

~jen

Merry go Round of Life

Haven't been to the gym in over a week and a half.  Seem to have eaten everything in sight these last few days.  Not sleeping.  Awake at 3 am every morning (except today, I got to sleep in till 5:56 am).  Headaches every morning (day 5).  Can't get my mind to shut off.... thinking about work, thinking about my patients, thinking about the kids back to school to do list, bills, worries, stress, the list goes on and on.  I need the merry go round ride of life to slow down and let me catch up.  Need to find a way to get back on track.  I need to get my butt back to the gym before the 20 pounds that were lost are soon found! And when there's found pounds, there's usually a few extras!  I'm dreading stepping on the scale.  Dreading seeing the lack of effort displayed before me.

I hate this cycle of depression.  As soon as I get to a good place, a set back.  A little stress soon becomes a big stress.  Two cookies becomes 4.  One skipped workout becomes missing for almost 2 weeks.  Negative thoughts consume me.  Can't sleep. Headaches.  

Got to find that inner drive and wake it up.  Got to get back to a better place... spiritually, emotionally, physically.  The merry go round ride of life, full of ups and downs, continues....  

~jen  

What's on my mind....

.... so much this evening.  Who knows what rambling may occur with this post.

I feel myself falling into that old familiar slump.  Sadness has a way of creeping in and taking over.  I was so looking forward to my weekend getaway to see my family and attend a family reunion.  The miles that separate us seem to go on and on forever.  Too many months pass between visits.  Hugs that were given seem to fade and need to recharged to last till the next visit.  Mom and I had been counting down the days till we could see each other and sneak in a long overdue trip to Sam Moon (with Dad's credit card, of course!)!  Instead the boys and I had to turn around at Childress and head home.  Praying that whatever was wrong with my car would hold off just a bit longer so we could just make it home.

The Young Family Reunion was missed.  Family that I haven't seen in years will have to wait till the next reunion.  Hugs from my parents and grandparents will have to wait till the next trip.  Praying that next trip won't be too far from now.  A few months between visits can easily slip into several months between visits.  We get too busy with "life".  Work, school, golf, football, finances, messed up cars... all a part of life.  Somewhere in there the balance gets out of whack.  What's really important gets lost in the day to day shuffle of life.

I miss my family every day.  Not a day goes by that one of them doesn't cross my mind.  So now, I wait till the next trip.  The next weekend getaway.  I pray I don't have to wait too long.  Until then, I wait.  Holding onto that last hug.

~jen