GOoD Works

Two years ago I met Jason, an amazing hospice chaplain that I was blessed to work with. Not only was he a spiritual resource for our patients, but for myself and our team of coworkers. 

Earlier this year while I was at a nursing home seeing patients, Jason came in to make his visits. We met in a hallway, staring outside at the cold winter sky and began a conversation. Little did we know where that conversation would lead both of us many months down the road. 

We began talking about our individual dreams and plans for the future. He voiced a desire to return full time to the Baptist ministry. I told him... Well, I know a church. I told him that it was in a really small community in north Texas.... it's the church my grandparent's were members of. He and I had many conversations about my grandparents in the past. Papa's recurrent pneumonia had started months before and I had asked him to pray for my grandfather many times. There in that hallway, I called Granny and asked if they were still searching for a minister and she said that the church had actually discussed forming a search committee just a few days prior. I told her... Well, I know a guy. 

Fast forward... A resume and sermons were sent, meetings were scheduled, interviews took place, and many prayers were said. Papa and I had talked about Jason and his family numerous times. Papa had been very sick and hadn't had the opportunity to meet Jason, but he was faithful in prayer that the Lord would bring the right minister to their church. 

On July 10th, my Papa died. On July 12th, Jason preached to the congregation in Era and a vote was cast.... a unanimous vote in favor of him as the new minister of the Era First Baptist Church. He and his family extended their stay and attended Papa's funeral service the next day. Jason and his family could have headed back to Amarillo on Sunday, but they chose to stay and support my family in our darkest hours.

Six weeks have passed and Jason and his family have settled into their home in Era. He's preached the last few Sundays. He is meeting the needs of the church, the community, and my grieving grandmother. My Papa would have loved Jason. He always had a very special bond with the ministers of the churches he and Granny were members of. He would make sure that their needs were being met. I have no doubt he would have done the same for Jason and his family. 

God was there in that hallway on that cold February day. He knew where that conversation would lead to. Even though the last six weeks have been the most difficult weeks of my adult life, I am so thankful to have been apart of His amazing plan. 

God is continuing His work in me. If there is a blessing in Papa's death, it is that I realized while helping to take care of him... I am a hospice nurse. It is my passion... my calling. So, I'm going back to what I'm supposed to be doing... being a hospice nurse. 

How is God working in you? What will he do in your life to bring good works? Who will you meet today that God will use in your life? How might God use YOU in their life? Where will your journey lead you in the next six months, year, ten years? God works, friends... You only have to believe in Him. Have you accepted Him into your life? 

God works. Even in pain and sadness, in happiness and joy. He has a plan for your life. (Can I get an amen?) 

~jen 

Grief and Dirt

 

I never imagined how harsh the boundary line of overturned soil and grass would be. Last week as I entered the small cemetery of my grandparent's hometown, I wondered if I would be able to find my grandfather's burial plot. I knew the general vicinity to look. As I drove my car into the cemetery, I knew exactly where his plot was. The mound of overturned soil was a stark reminder to the reality of this moment. He's. Really. Gone. I got out of my car. I sat next to the dirt and began tidying the area. I straightened the flowers. Pulled the nearby weeds. Wished more than anything that there was a blanket of grass covering him. I cried. I talked to him. I watched the setting sun. I dug out a golf tee from Cade's golf bag in the car and placed it near the flowers. He always talked to the boys about their most recent golf tournaments. I told him how much I missed being a hospice nurse. I told him Michael was staying busy with work. These were the things he would have asked me about. I told him I missed him everyday since he died and that I loved him. I asked him to be with Granny because she misses him more than any one of us could. I told him goodbye, again.

I miss him every single day. 

~jen

Grief. Day 19.

What I'm learning about grief is it comes in waves. Sometimes they are as gentle as the evening tide... sometimes they are ten feet high and I can barely catch my breath. Just when I think I'm getting back to "normal life" (whatever that is), a storm starts to brew and the waves build in strength. 

Some days, I pray for this to be over. Just let me get on with my life. I'm sure my husband and kids would love that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Broken. Hurt. I am beginning to hate who I am. There are days where I am just unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be sad. What I am realizing is I don't just grieve the loss of Papa, but I grieve for the new life my Granny must journey. I grieve for my mom in the loss of her dad. I grieve for moments of time spent with him watching the OU/UT football game, phone calls, kissing his forehead, hearing his voice.  Moments in time such as this one that I only shared with Michael and my closest friend... Four days before Papa died, he had been in and out of consciousness. I had been sitting beside him watching him, praying, replaying years of memories. He opened his eyes and stared into mine for several seconds. Then he quietly asked... "How did you get so pretty?". I gently said... "From Granny and Mom.". He smiled and closed his eyes. That moment will forever be one of my most precious memories. 

What I'm also learning through grief is a personal spiritual strengthening. Not a day has passed that there isn't an all day dialogue with Jesus. Many times during the day, my conversations shift to Papa. What have you been doing?  I miss you. Please watch over Granny. Be with us all. Can you see me when I stare at the clouds? What is heaven like? I will always miss you... 

I've cried an ocean of tears. Even now, they come as quickly and as numerous as they did shortly after he died. I know it's only been a few weeks and this journey is going to take time. I have to take the time to complete the journey. It may very well take the rest of my life... and that's ok. 

 *Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we have loved. Where there is deep grief there was great love. -Unknown

I love you, Papa. Always. 

~jen

To my Papa

I stared up at the few clouds that were in the sky today while at Caden's golf tournament. What must heaven look like beyond the clouds? I've wondered what you've been up to for the last 6 days. Oh, the family reunion that must still be going on! Give Wylie a hug for me. She was such a wonderful great-grandmother. 

I miss you terribly. I still can't believe you are gone. You were such a good Papa. Continue to pray for each of us every night... I love you, Papa. 

~jen

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Six

When I started working as a hospice nurse, I began preparing myself for this moment...and it's here. For every little Grandpa and Grandma I cared for as a hospice nurse... I always thought of my own. I'd remind myself that someday, this will be my family walking this journey. How would I want them treated? That one question directed the care that I provided to each of my patients.

After many months of my Papa battling recurrent pneumonia, the decision has been made for a transition to home hospice. Tomorrow, we bring him home from the hospital. 

The decision between aggressive treatment and palliative care is a slippery slope filled with many "what-if" and "I wish" and "If only" phrases. "What if he gets better, what if he gets worse?" "I wish someone would just tell us what's going on." "If only we knew what to expect." 

At the end of the day, the only truth we know is that we don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know Who holds our tomorrow. 

~jen