Self-Induced Time Out

There's a saying... something along the lines of... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best. Well, folks... I may be in one of my "worst" phases. And I realize that the following blog post my leave some of you offended and others possibly questioning my sanity... or maybe even both.

Tonight, after perusing through Facebook, which let's be honest here... is something that I feel I have lost all control to... I came across a couple of posts that just sent me in a tizzy! 

I can't believe she just posted that! Oh my goodness, if they only knew what MY life is like right now! There was lots of eye-rolling and puh-lease comments (that's a sarcastic "please").

Then I took it a step further and decided to create my own retaliation Facebook posts.

Something similar to...

I just tried searching for one of those cute ecards with a countdown to Christmas vacation for nurses. Oh wait. Those don't exist.

Then there was this one...

Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,

I do everything you do plus work 40 hours outside the home. 

The line has been drawn in the sand. I know. It's harsh and it's deep. And I fully understand after this post there may be "blocking" or even "unfriending". And I'm ok with that. (No, that's not a "I dare you to" statement.) 

This is where I am people. I am at a place where there needs to be a little self evaluation. If I can't rejoice and be happy for my fellow facebookers in their upcoming Christmas vacations (even though they've been counting down the days since the Thanksgiving break, and knowing full well that after the Christmas break there will be a spring break countdown... and let me dig this just a little bit further... after the spring break countdown there will be the end of the school year countdown) or be happy for that mom who gets to stay at home (even if she complains about not having enough hours in the day) then I need to seriously look inside my heart... and more importantly the Christian that I claim to be. 

So if you haven't already blocked me or unfriended me after just reading the above few lines, hear me out. 

Here's where the work begins. I'm signing off of Facebook until after the first of the New Year. Facebook has become all consuming in my life. This is my self-induced time-out. 

I hope to use this time to reevaluate my negative thoughts and to find my own happiness. To focus on what's important. To stop the all-consuming comparison game. To end the pity party that I've got going on.  And most importantly, become the Christian that I am supposed to be. 

Sigh.

That was super deep. 

Love me even when I'm at my worst, people.  

To those that are still reading this and still loving me... forgive me if I offended you.

May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year. 

Until next year...

Love,

jen

PS... For Pete's sake, text me if you post something exciting on Facebook! 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

I have to confess that I'm very disappointed in myself that I couldn't commit to five minutes (or less) to daily post what I'm thankful for! So I'm going to attempt to get this finished tonight. 

Day Nine: I'm thankful for Cody and the joy that he has brought to our family. He's made me the mom I am today. Together we're still growing into the mother and son we're supposed to be. With every last, first, and challenging experience, we're both growing. I am so very thankful for this firstborn child of mine.

Day Ten: I'm thankful for friendships. Old friends, new friends, Facebook friends, friends who've shared the last 20+ years with me, friends who've come and gone, friends who've come and gone and come back again. 

Day Eleven: I'm thankful for the opportunity to Pay It Forward. This month I've been trying to celebrate my birthday by performing random acts of kindness. While in the drive thru at Roasters, I paid for the coffee for the lady behind me. I surprised a close friend by buying her lunch. I wrote special cards of thanks to co-workers. I made homemade cinnamon rolls and shared them with my office staff. I had originally planned so many more acts of kindness to perform, but maybe next year I can complete my list. 

Day Twelve: I'm thankful for the blessing that is Caden Thomas Conrad. What a ray of sunshine this child is. Always smiling with such a giving, sweet spirit. He keeps me young. He makes me laugh. He is such a blessing to our family.

Day Thirteen: I'm thankful for the vacations we have taken this year. Michael and I have been married for 20 years and up until this year, we had never been on a "real" vacation. This year we were blessed to take 3 separate trips to LA and Vegas, Denver, and Pittsburgh and Vegas. Amazing memories for our 20 year together. 

Day Fourteen: I'm thankful for my in-laws. There's a bunch of them. They are loud and rambunctious. But I wouldn't have them any other way! 

Day Fifteen: I'm thankful for our beautiful house that we've created a home. For years I thought home ownership would always be out of our reach. I love this home we've created for our family. 

Day Sixteen: I'm thankful for the hard worker Michael is. For the blessings his job has provided us with. For his boss, co-workers... they are more than that, they are his friends. For the love and concern that they have for each other. They are a family. 

Day Seventeen: I'm thankful for my new car. Part of the blessing of Michael's job is the opportunity to save money on the purchase of our cars, and the service of those cars! 

Day Eighteen: I'm thankful for my beautiful new wedding ring. I've waited a long time for this ring. I will cherish it, and the one who gave it to me, forever.

Day Nineteen: I'm thankful for my job and the patients and families I serve on a daily basis. I am honored to walk the journey of dying with them. To help bring them to peace with the process. To educate, to care for, to provide comfort, to hold their hands, wipe their tears... cry along side them. What a blessing this calling has been. 

Day Twenty: I'm thankful for having the courage to pray with my patients. 

** That's going to be all for tonight. Trying to type on my iPhone is getting more difficult. More to come soon....

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Eight:

Today I'm thankful for date nights. Dinner and a movie. Nothing too exciting. But time spent with Michael is always wonderful. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Seven:

Today I'm thankful for my lunch date with Michael at his office. Just a shared moment of having a meal together. Nothing special, but just a break out if the routine of the work day to reconnect. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Six:

Today I am thankful for such a wonderful hair stylist. Jennifer at Catwalk Salon is amazing. She's more than someone who just cuts, colors, and styles my hair. She's a counselor, she's a support system, she will even cry with me on my worst days. I leave her salon feeling so much better about myself.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Five:

Today, I'm thankful for the gift of another birthday. For co-workers serenading me with the Happy Birthday song. A gift from two very special co-workers. Birthday wishes through phone calls, text messages, and Facebook messages. Birthday cards from relatives many miles away. Working out with my sister-in-law, who celebrates a wedding anniversary on this same day! I'm thankful for the blessing of another day of life. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Four:

I am thankful for days when I don't give in... quit... give up. Tonight's workout was a killer. Not one I wanted to go to. But, I went. And I'm so thankful I did. Because this feeling far surpasses the feeling of quitting. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Three: 
I am thankful an extra hour of sleep.  I love this time of year.  The crisp mornings.  The shades of yellow, orange, brown on our trees.  Falling leaves.  Warm fires.  Scarves.  Coffee.  I just love fall.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Two: 
I am thankful for Saturdays.  Work week is done.  Time to reconnect with my family and my house, which is needing some attention. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day One:

I am thankful for our Heavenly Father's unfailing love. I struggle daily. I fail. Multiple times. But I'm trying. Daily, I'm trying. I'm so thankful for His unfailing love.

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Four

I prayed out loud with a patient last week. Never in my nursing career have I prayed with a patient. I've prayed for my patients numerous times, but I never have had the courage to ask if I could pray for them... with them. There was a definite presence... an urging... that gave me the courage to say the words, "Would it be ok if I said a prayer for you?" It was an awkward prayer filled with uncertainty that I was saying the right words. I stumbled over my words. Tears formed in my eyes. Silently saying a concurrent prayer for the right words to comfort my patient.  This patient desperately wants to die, to be reunited with family who are waiting for this patient to join them in heaven. There's such a longing to be in heaven, to spend eternity with our heavenly Father.  I prayed for death to come quickly and peacefully for this patient. This patient has asked that when they die, for me to be happy, to rejoice in their death... for they will be seeing Jesus and reuniting with family.

I've said it before... this is the hardest job I've ever done. To be honest, there are days that I don't want to do it anymore. It's too much. But then there is a moment, such as this one, where I know I am meant to be doing this job. There's a hidden blessing... courage to pray out loud for a patient.

~jen

Bittersweet Emotions

Tomorrow will bring many bittersweet emotions.

~Cody leaves us to head back to Independence, Kansas to start his sophomore year at Independence Community College. I don't think any of us are ready for him to leave, Cody included.  We have had an amazing summer with him home. We have truly enjoyed watching him continue to grow into the young man he is becoming. We couldn't be more proud of him.

~Cade will compete in the NTPGA Junior Tour West Area Championship tomorrow in Canyon. This is the final summer tournament leading up to the Ewing Automotive Tour Championship in McKinney. He is currently in third place out of 62 in the West Summer Series. We are so proud of him and how hard he has played this summer. He's had some really tough competition this summer. Tomorrow will be no different. 

~Tomorrow evening, Michael and Cade fly out to Dallas for the Regional Qualifier round of the PGA Drive, Chip and Putt Championship on Tuesday. The winner of Tuesday's round will advance to the final championship round at next year's Masters. We are all rooting for Cade to win and take us to the Masters!!! ; )

Tomorrow evening will find me all alone in a quiet house. The full weight of the countdown clock of summer coming to a close will be most evident in the silence.  It's all so bittersweet to see the summer end and a new school year begin. Cade will be entering his last year of elementary school. This will be Cody's last year at Independence. Another year of lasts. 

Once again I find myself leaning on the words of the great philosopher, Dr. Suess... "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.". 

There will most definitely be tears tomorrow, some of sadness, some of joy, but mostly tears of how proud I am to call Cody and Cade mine and the blessings they bring to my life with every  first and every last. And that... makes me smile.

~jen

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Three

In the 23 months I've been a hospice nurse, I've said goodbye to almost 40 patients.  40 lives that have blessed me.  40 lives that continue to stay with me.  40 lives that have changed me.  I am not the same person I was almost 2 years ago.  I've grown.  I've learned.  I've changed.  I try not to get so upset about the little things anymore.  Life has a new, different perspective.

I recently said goodbye to my youngest patient.  This patient will forever change me... will forever stay with me.  Death is unfair at times.  Robbing a family of precious time.  Death is expected at the end of a long life's journey, but when life is taken so soon into the journey it seems so very unfair.  I struggled with confidence in saying the right words to this patient.  Battling a war between speaking the words "don't stop fighting, don't stop praying for a miracle" and seeing the signs of approaching death and fearing that the prayers for a miracle would not be answered. 

I've prayed countless prayers not only for my patients and their families, but for me as their nurse.  Prayers to know what to do, what to say.  There is no training for this.  There's no script.  There's only compassion, and love, and care for what I do and those that I help take care of. 

Hospice isn't necessarily about dying... it's about living until you die. 

And as a Christian, it's about knowing that your last breath on this earth... will be followed by your first breath in Heaven.

~jen





     

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Two

I've been a hospice nurse for a year and nine months. It hasn't gotten any easier. While I wish I could say there is peace in helping my patients die comfortably, peacefully, and with dignity; each dying process is difficult to witness. It's a constant reminder of what is inevitable for each of us.

A couple of months ago I was assigned a new patient. Reality took a very hard and sharp turn once I realized that there was only a year and a few months age difference between my new patient and myself. A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. And she is dying.

Self doubt creeped in. How could I care for her? Why me? There's no way I can do this. We're practically the same age! Then the voices of my co-workers, my team, my doctor, assuring me I was placed in this moment for a reason.

I've held her hands. Cried tears of sadness with her. Attempted to answer her questions on the dying process. Comforted her when she asked how she was ever going to be able to let go of her husband and children. All the while struggling to keep my composure intact. I've left her home numerous times needing to sit in my car for a few minutes to regroup. To pray.

My heart absolutely breaks watching her husband sit beside her, holding her. My heart aches knowing that hard and difficult conversations have taken place with their children. To look into the eyes of her mother, and know that the words "I'm sorry" do not even begin to comfort her.

This will be a patient that will stay with me forever. She unknowingly has taught me to a better nurse, a better mother, a better wife... she has made me better. For her, I am grateful.

~jen

Missing Cody

The I-miss-Cody-blues tend to hit from time to time. Like yesterday as I was driving past Amarillo High School. I watched a young man walk across the parking lot to his parked car and thought, "that's about where Cody parked". Silly, I know. Today, I passed a car that resembled Cody's and my thoughts immediately went to him. This morning while thinking ahead to the events in March (a planned vacation, Mike's birthday, spring break, Cody's birthday), it suddenly struck me that this will be the first year we'll be separated from Cody on his birthday. That thought was a hard one to take in.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Cody and wonder how he's doing. He doesn't text his momma very often. (I've given up on the thought of a possible actual phone call from him!) Someone should tell him it's not nice to not text or call his momma! I'll usually break the silence after a few days and text him.

The I-miss-Cody-blues have hit hard these past few days. Not sure what's brought them on.

I pray each and every day for Cody. Sometimes multiple prayers are said. (Like yesterday when I heard the Independence area could be affected by severe weather.) I pray that the distance between us allows us both to grow independently.

PS- Caden seems to have a case of the I-miss-Cody-blues as well. Every night he sleeps in Cody's shorts or lounge pants. I guess we're all adjusting in our own way to not having him here.

Patiently waiting for spring break...
~jen

A New Blog

I started a weight loss blog on Thursday.  From Fat to Forty is a journal of my journey to enter my 40's health, fit, and most importantly... happy.
~jen  

Another Goodbye

In just under a couple of hours, Cody will once again be leaving home and heading back to school. I'm struggling with mixed emotions. It's been wonderful having him home. But, it's time for him to go back to school!
We've had our share of battles these last few weeks. Mostly over curfew and messiness.
I forgot how nice it was to go to bed without being woken up at midnight (or later) with the sounds of Cody coming home (door opening, door locking, opening/closing of pantry door, cabinets slamming, opening/closing of refrigerator, filling tall glass with crushed ice, microwave door slamming, beep..beep..beep of the microwave, and finally bedroom door closing... but wait, then there's the I-forgot-something-in-my-car, followed by the opening/closing/locking of the front door again, and of course the light in the dining room is left on!)
I walked into his bedroom the other day only to be engulfed with the smell and sight of complete funkiness! I asked Cody "How do you live like this at school!?!" His reply... "I don't, I keep my dorm room clean. This is home, I can be messy here.".
I'll miss coming home to finding 3 college boys sitting on my couch, having fully raided our pantry. (Caden texted me the other day informing me "Cody ate ALL the chips". I could read the exasperation in his text!)
I'll miss the sounds of Cody and Caden playing Madden on the Playstation together.
I'll miss knowing that wherever he was when he wasn't home these last few weeks, he was at least in the same city as I was.
I'll miss seeing him everyday.
But, it's time for him to go back. It's time for him to keep growing and becoming independent.
Only 2 months till Spring Break and another trip home.
Please continue to pray for Cody. (And a prayer for this momma as well would hurt!) ; )
~jen