In the 23 months I've been a hospice nurse, I've said goodbye to almost 40 patients. 40 lives that have blessed me. 40 lives that continue to stay with me. 40 lives that have changed me. I am not the same person I was almost 2 years ago. I've grown. I've learned. I've changed. I try not to get so upset about the little things anymore. Life has a new, different perspective.
I recently said goodbye to my youngest patient. This patient will forever change me... will forever stay with me. Death is unfair at times. Robbing a family of precious time. Death is expected at the end of a long life's journey, but when life is taken so soon into the journey it seems so very unfair. I struggled with confidence in saying the right words to this patient. Battling a war between speaking the words "don't stop fighting, don't stop praying for a miracle" and seeing the signs of approaching death and fearing that the prayers for a miracle would not be answered.
I've prayed countless prayers not only for my patients and their families, but for me as their nurse. Prayers to know what to do, what to say. There is no training for this. There's no script. There's only compassion, and love, and care for what I do and those that I help take care of.
Hospice isn't necessarily about dying... it's about living until you die.
And as a Christian, it's about knowing that your last breath on this earth... will be followed by your first breath in Heaven.
~jen
