Things I've Learned from Hospice

Soon after I graduated nursing school I overheard another nurse say that 'hospice is where old and tired nurses go to work'.  I am not sure what she really meant by that.  Maybe she was implying that hospice nurses don't work as hard as other nurses.  Or maybe she meant that hospice nurses don't have to use any skills.  Or maybe they don't have to be as smart or think as hard. 

That nurse... she didn't know what she was talking about.

I've never worked harder.  There are some days that I can't make a complete sentence when I get home because I am just mentally exhausted.  (I couldn't remember the words "contestant" and "try-out" while watching the X-Factor last week! You can ask Michael as he patiently waited and heard me struggle to  make a complete sentence!)

There are days that I am so emotionally drained that there is no emotion left in me. 

There are days that I can't stand to hear the phone ring because the phone rang non-stop. 

There are days that I was more than a nurse.  I was a nurse's aid.  I was a social worker.  I was a marriage counselor.  I was a pastor.  I was just someone to listen.  I was someone to hold a hand. 

There are days that I wish I could stick my head out the door and yell for another nurse to come take a look, or a listen, or bounce ideas off of.  Instead it's just me and the patient.  All those things I've learned along the road of nursing... I hope and pray they get me to where I need to be.

I broke down yesterday feeling as though I had failed a patient because I couldn't make this patient better.  The doctor on my team reminded me that I am not going to ever be able to make this patient better.  But, I haven't failed this patient.  I was reminded that we are taking care of the sickest patients.  Their bodies are giving out.  We are not going to be able to fix them.  Anything we do maybe gives them a few more months, weeks, days, or minutes.  But we haven't failed them.

It's so hard to switch a mindset of healing to palliative care.  I realize that I am still new to hospice and it's going to take time to fully be comfortable with this type of patient care.  More importantly, I need to remember to have patience with myself.

I need to remember that as long as I give my best, I will never fail a patient.

~jen