Birthday Pictures

I am Woman...

...and I can change out a worn out bicycle tire. All by myself. Without breaking a nail. I am so proud of myself that I was able to make the day of a 6 year old. I got a great big thank you and a hug after changing the tire (by the way... it was the back tire, so not only did I have to take off the rear wheel, then struggled with getting the tire off and back on the wheel, I had to deal with the chain as well!), loading the bike into the Pilot, driving to the nearest gas station, airing up the tire, driving home, unloading the bike and then a quick walk around the park. I was the hero. Me. All by myself. Well... almost by myself. Caden held the bike and handed me the screwdriver. We make a great team, he and I.
:)
~jen

Venting

This is one of those venting posts which I will probably regret later. However, I have to vent. I have just spent the last TWO hours cleaning Caden's room. I'm not done. Thus the venting. How much stuff can a 6 year old have? Let me tell you... too much! So much that you don't even know where to begin. I so wanted to close the door and never look back. I've filled 2... that's 2 of the big industrial strength black trash bags. TWO of them full of stuff. Junk. Broken toys. Toys with missing parts. Every fast food restaurant in town's kid's meal toy. Broken crayons. Dried out markers. Art projects from 2004.

I just found the carpet under Caden's bed. You would not believe what he had shoved under there!

You would think that after 2 hours of cleaning, I'd be done. I'm not done. I still need to dust, vacuum, and strip the bed. Then I'm done.

Next up the hall closet.

While I am venting... can I just tell you my kids are slowing destroying my home. The home that we never thought would be ours. We finally saved and saved to purchase new furniture that is all our own. And now, our 2 children are slowly destroying everything. I won't list all the damage, but let me tell you one or both of our children has left their mark on every piece of furniture we own.

I don't know how to cope. It seems as though every time I turn around something else is broken, scratched, torn, dirty, stained, not working, lost, destroyed.

Enough venting or else I'll really let loose and bring up everything that I've been holding onto since 1992.

~jen

A sonogram and a banquet

Monday I had the privilege of going to Karen's (my sister-in-law) first sonogram. I was so honored that I was asked to go along with her and my mother-in-law to see my niece or nephew for the first time. It was amazing. I quickly went from standing in the back, against a counter, to sitting right beside Karen staring in awe at the monitor above us. Tears filled my eyes as soon as we could see the heart beating. Did you know that the heart starts beating 18 days after conception? 18 days after egg and sperm (sorry to those who just became squeamish after reading sperm... opps, sorry, said it again!) come together, the heart starts to beat. Amazing. Did you know that at 12 weeks this baby is fully formed. All of it's organs are present and functioning (except for the lungs). And at 12 weeks this baby can suck it's thumb! Absolutely amazing and miraculous.

We watched in amazement as this little baby moved his/her arms and legs. It was beautiful.

Thank you Karen for inviting me to go. It was a wonderful experience that brought back memories of my sonos of Cody and Caden. It meant so much to me that you allowed me to take part in that special moment with you and your mom. It was amazing.

Later that evening Mike and I went to Cody's basketball athletic banquet. We were so pressed for time that I didn't get any pictures of Cody before the banquet. He was so handsome in his dress clothes. Here are a few pictures from picking up the dates (we took Cody and 2 of his friends and their dates) and at the banquet:

(Can you see Cody's good friend and team member, Willson, sneaking around behind us to get in our family picture? Crazy Willson!) :)

Even though the majority of the banquet was to honor the varsity teams and the seniors, it was a great banquet. I sure hope it's not our last basketball banquet with Cody. I want to be one of those senior moms watching their child sit at the head table with their Sandie basketball banner displayed behind them! :)

~jen

One Little Monkey

This is what I found our little monkey doing in our living room this evening! Let the countdown begin to our next ER visit! :)

~jen

Happy Late Birthday(s)!

I know I am horrible person to not have blogged about all the birthdays (especially my husband's!) that happened Wednesday. Truth be told... I have been so busy, blogging has been put on the back-burner for the past several days!

So, Happy Late Birthday to Michael, Tiffany, Renay, and Sadie! All four of these special people share the same birthday! I hope you all had wonderful birthdays.

~jen

New Posts

I couldn't sleep this morning, so instead of fighting myself trying to go back to bed, I thought I'd blog a little. Be sure and read all the way down as there are 4 new posts!

I hope you enjoy your Saturday! I'm headed to Groom this morning for an Uppercase Living open house that Sandie and Marcia are having for me. It's my first party and I'm a little nervous, but comforted at the same time that there will be many familiar faces there! Hopefully it will be a great party and everyone will have fun.

I'll post some pictures of my latest creations later this afternoon.

Wish me luck!

~jen

Codyism

I'm not sure I've ever posted a Codyism before. I've done several Cadenisms, but I think this is a first for Cody.

Yesterday after picking Cody up, I could tell he was excited. He had the biggest grin on his face while walking towards the car. I knew something was up with this child.

I asked what he was smiling about. He answered that first, he had made a 91 on his Biology 6 week's exam (hallelujah)... we were both smiling at that point... and that he and Chase had come up with some plans for this summer. (Chase is one of his best friends and his good golfing buddy.)

I was curious about these plans for the summer.

It wasn't much longer and I heard the words... you know he's turning 16 in a couple of months.

There are 2 things (well, there are probably more than 2, but for now... we'll just focus on 2) that I am dreading over the next 13 months: Cody's friends who will be turning 16 over the summer months and Cody turning 16 next March.

Without pause, Cody quickly begins spilling the plans. First, we plan on taking a trip together to New Mexico to play a little golf at Sandia.

I looked at him and asked "BY YOURSELVES?" (calmly, of course).

Cody, dumbfounded and in awe that his mother was asking that question answers (while rolling his eyes none-the-less), "yes... just the 2 of us... what's wrong with that?"

"Let me count the number of wrongs with that plan. #1 no. #2 no. #3 no. You are not driving anywhere long distance with a 16 year old. No."

(I am sure Chase will be a very responsible 16 year old driver, but I was once 16... and it wasn't that long ago... I remember and I know what 16 year olds do once they get behind the wheel a few times!)

Cody, quick with a response to any no... "Well, what about Dallas? That's our 2nd plan for the summer."

Me: "What about Dallas?"

Cody: "We thought we could drive to Dallas to play golf and stay with Granny and Papa or Marie and Joey. You know, I could go visit them while we are there."

(Awe, that's sweet of you Cody to want to go visit your great-grandparents and aunt/uncle/cousin, but the answer will still be no.)

Me: "If I won't let you go to New Mexico, what makes you think I'm going to let you and Chase drive the same distance but in a different direction? NO, Cody."

Cody: Ever quick on the draw... "Can we at least drive to Dalhart to play golf with Russell?"

Me: (long explanations are not working at this point, desperation is starting to set in) "No."

Cody: (sighing) "What about Plainview, can we at least (sarcasm's setting in) drive down to Plainview to play golf?"

Me: (time to nip this in the bud) "You will not be traveling further than Canyon (15 minutes south of Amarillo for you non-local readers!) with any one who is 16. Period. End of discussion."

End of discussion never works.

Cody: "What about north of Amarillo, how far can we go?"

Me: "Don't push it Cody."

I did eventually explain to Cody my reasons why he couldn't go and he reluctantly, and all the while he thought his mother was crazy, accepted.

Later that night, the discussion came up with Mike. Mike's answer after rolling in laughter was "you're not driving anywhere past 45th and Bell with Chase!"

I told him he could at least go to Arden road, so Chase could occasionally bring Cody home from golf!

~jen

Spring Picture

Here's Caden's spring school picture. Sweet, sweet Caden. You make me smile!

~jen

Another thanks

I just want to say thank you to my parents who could not be here during Cody's surgery. Thank you for listening to my tearful calls. Thank you for your financial support. Thank you for your prayers. We appreciate everything you have done for us over the past several weeks.
I love you both very much.
Thank you for everything.
~jen

More thank you's

I've gotten terribly behind in my thank you's.

Thanks to Angie and family for Cody's UT shirt. If that didn't cheer him up, I don't know what would have!

Thanks to Marie and family for the gift cards for the boys (Caden was so excited to get one!). The notes you wrote to the boys were very sweet. Thank you for sending them.

Thank you to Marcia for coming to visit Cody and for all of your help with Caden. We appreciate everything that you did.

In case I'm leaving any one out... thank you all for everything that you did for us while Cody was in the hospital. I know a number of you said prayers and those prayers were the greatest gifts we could have received. Thank you.

~jen, mike, cody, and caden

Basketball Pictures

Here's some pictures of Cody's last basketball game. It was a great game with a come behind win against Tascosa. I am so happy that Cody had a great game as it was his last game of his freshman year. Thanks to all the family who came to watch Cody and support the Sandies. Thanks to Angie for taking these pictures.

Hopefully there will be more pictures to come this fall!
~jen

Cadenism

Cadenism #1
This is priceless!



"George Washington was our first President. A long time ago, he whacked down the cherry tree." ~Caden, age 6

Michael's reaction to reading this... I didn't know GW was in the mafia. Whacked. Get it? :)


Cadenism #2
Caden: Mom do you know what your butt is called? (Pause) Your Gluteus Maximus.
Me: Yes, Caden I know. Let's not say butt anymore.


Cadenism #3
A few days ago I overheard Caden getting ready for his bath. I think he bumped his knee against the tub because I heard him yell, "Owe, I hurt my patella"!

~jen

Home at last...

(Sorry I'm just now updating my blog. It's been a busy week so far!)

Cody was released from the hospital Sunday afternoon. I've never been so happy to have him home as I was that afternoon. He stayed at home from school yesterday to rest and tried to start the daunting task of making up a week's worth of work and studying for the tests he missed.

He returned to school today. We decided to let him travel to Lubbock this afternoon with his basketball team for their last game. I decided to not go to the game tonight. I am exhausted... still. As much as I want to be at the game to support the team, I just need to stay home. I hope he will have a great trip and his team will play well. It's sad to see his season end. I feel he was cheated. I was cheated. I didn't get to watch him play as much as I wanted. I know I am being selfish. I know I am having a pity-party for myself. But it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Thanks to all of you who called, emailed, prayed, sent a card, and/or visited him while he was in the hospital. We really appreciate the concern and support you showed to Cody and us.

~jen

One more day?

It looks like we are staying at least one more day. Cody has developed some stomach cramping this morning. The doctor thinks it is best to stay one more day... just to be safe. I'm all about being safe. As much as I want him home, I want him to be home when he's physically ready.

He's done well today other than the occasional cramps. He's watching the UT/Colorado basketball game right now. He should have his IV hep-locked soon (he'll be off of IV fluids, but the IV catheter will remain in just in case he needs medication through the IV). I think he and I will take a walk to the cafeteria tonight to eat supper. Maybe he'll enjoy getting out of his room for a little while.

The doctor said he could return to school as early as Monday if he felt like it. His basketball season is over. His last game is Tuesday in Lubbock. He had planned to switch his schedule back to golf this week and rejoin the golf team. The doctor said he can start putting and chipping this week, but will have to wait 3 weeks before he can pick up a driver and fully swing a club.

So that's where we are today. Hopefully he will do ok the rest of the day. Hopefully the stomach cramping will subside. Hopefully he will be ready to go home tomorrow.
Hopefully.

~jen

A good day...

Cody had a good day today. He was all smiles for the majority of the day. He had lots of visitors today. 2 of his teammates came this evening with a basketball that was signed by all his teammates. I know that will be something he will cherish forever.

2 of his classes made cards for him that were delivered today. That brought a smile to his face. Especially when one of the cards was delivered by 2 freshman girls. A little while later, 2 senior varsity basketball girls stopped by with get-well wishes as well. Bigger smiles then.

I even got a smile for my camera!

Cards from classmates and even one from Caden!

A snack and gift card basket from our good friends Bobby and Shannon.

The ivy was from Honda.

This one reassures me that he is ok. :)

~jen

Good News

Cody got his NG tube out this morning. I got to see a smile that I haven't seen in over a week. You don't even know how much that means. I've missed that smile more than anything.

His surgeon came this morning and said everything looks good. If he continues to do as well as he has, there is a chance we can go home tomorrow afternoon. Now that the tube is out, Cody can have anything that he can see through to eat... jello, juice, broth, Popsicles. Tomorrow, he gets to have solid foods. I noticed this morning while walking the halls with him that his leg muscles look smaller. I would imagine this has taken a toll on his body. He's ready to go home. I've promised him a chocolate cake. I'm ready to get home and bake him his chocolate cake.

I went home last night. It was my first trip home for more than an hour. I was stir crazy so I got caught up on folding laundry and tiding up my house. As much as I needed to sleep, I actually just needed something to do. I passed by Cody's room several times and each time my heart just broke. I am so ready to have him home in his bed. I am so ready for all of this to be past him so he can resume his life! He's missed out on so much already. I just pray that the rest of his freshman year will be uneventful! I am so ready to be able to cook a meal for my family. I am so ready for Caden to have a normal life again. He's been shuffled from place to place, spent more hours than he wanted to cooped up in a hospital room.... but he's done it all without one complaint.

Hopefully it won't be much longer and things will return to normalcy (well... as normal is for our family!). :)

I'll update later tonight.

Update

Nothing new to share today. Cody slept well last night. He's not in much pain, just discomfort from the NG tube and having some abdominal soreness.

His surgeon's already rounded this morning. He didn't really have much to report. Everything looks good. His bowels are starting to wake up, but Cody's not ready to have the NG tube removed today. We may not have to stay a full week like was originally planned... but close to it. It sounds like once the tube is removed, Cody will advance each day from clear liquids to soft foods to solid foods. So maybe 3 or so more days assuming he tolerates everything.

We had a few visitors yesterday. A couple of Cody's teammates came and visited with him for a little while. His Geography teacher stopped by to see him. She said many of Cody's classmates had been asking how Cody was so she asked if she could report back to the class what had happened and how he was doing. I thought that was very nice of her to come by and to offer to share to his class what's happened.

We've had lots of family here to see Cody. Marcia, Karen, Sandie, Hope, Angie, Toby, Rebecca... thank you for coming to check on Cody.

Russell, thanks for driving all the way from Dalhart and letting Cody borrow your PSP (hand-held game system).

Honda sent a pretty ivy complete with a Sandies/Steelers theme (black and yellow bow and football). Some good friends of ours sent a basket full of snacks, water, Gatorade, fruit, magazines, and a gift card to Game Stop for Cody... thanks, Bobby and Shannon... we appreciate it.

Mike's aunt and uncle in Colorado sent an email that they had added Cody's name to their prayer list... thanks, Dan... prayers are always appreciated.

Cody's new cell phone arrived yesterday, so he is giving his fingers a work-out catching up on texting his friends. It's amazing how much texting goes on during the school hours! Hmm... may have to address that once we are out of the hospital! :)

That's about all I have today. We've already walked the halls this morning. Cody has been informed that he is showering today. No ifs, ands, or buts about that one. It's been 3 days and someone is getting a little ripe. Plus, the shower will make him feel good. It will also make him feel good to get some real clothes on.

Well... that's all for now. It's shower time! Wish us luck!

~jen

Update

Cody is asleep right now. It hasn't been necessarily a good day, but not too bad of one either. Cody slept off and on last night. He started running a temperature during the night, so the nurse tech was in quite often taking his temperature. It never got to 101 so that saved him from a Tylenol suppository. Around 4 this morning he stood up at the side of the bed to weigh. Apparently the optimal time to weigh a patient is around 4 am. No joking... that's what the nurse said.

Cody was so desperate for some kind of liquid last night that his nurse finally gave into Cody's multiple requests for water. She brought him some sponge swabs in a cup of ice. He was given strict orders to only put the swabs in his mouth, not the ice. It wasn't long before I heard the crunching of ice. In nursing school we were told of patients who were NPO (nothing to eat or drink) and who were so desperate for fluids that they would actually drink the water from the toilet. Now, I don't think Cody's that desperate, but he was getting there! I had to take away his ice multiple times. I'd watch him hold the swab into the ice long enough for the ice to freeze to it and then he would sneak that piece of ice into his mouth. After a few pieces, I had to take away his ice for good. It just about broke my heart.

His surgeon came by this morning. He said Cody's labs looked good. He's going to repeat them in the morning. He explained to Cody that he's going to have his NG tube for several more days. Cody could have cried when he told him that. He's asked everyone new that has come into his room if he can have the tube out. However, the doctor did say Cody could have an 8 ounce cup of ice twice a day. AND... he could chew gum. Cody also had his catheter taken out. This afternoon he walked the halls. We have 3 more walking sessions ahead of us.

Overall he's doing ok. His spirits are very low. Part of that is just the physical aspects of the surgery... he's sore and hurting. He can't eat or drink. He's realized that his freshman year basketball season is over. It's quite possible that his golf season may be over as well. Only time will determine that one. He misses his friends. He lost his cell phone over the weekend, so we've ordered him a new one which should be delivered to the house this afternoon. Hopefully that will cheer him up. He'll soon have a tool to communicate with his friends.

Caden's doing ok. He made Cody a special valentine at school yesterday and gave it to Cody before he went to surgery. He asked Mike this morning if he could see Cody today after school. He's gone to daycare for a little while this afternoon and then he will be brought up here. He's doing well being shuffled around.

As for Mike and I, we're ok. Just taking this one day at a time and trying not to worry too much into the future. Mike returned to work today. I know it's probably hard on him not being here, but realistically and financially, one of us has to work.

Hopefully Cody will continue to do well. We've been put on a waiting list to move rooms. All day long we've listened to the soothing, healing sound of a..... jack hammer. Our hospital is in the middle of construction projects. I would imagine there is not a "good" time to jack hammer in a hospital, but man... enough is enough. The hammering started just as our surgeon made rounds and he was not pleased to say the least! He wanted us moved ASAP. Hopefully he will get his way on this one... soon. I don't know how Cody is sleeping through it! I'll email if we switch rooms so you will know where we are.

Guess this is all for now. I'd like to take a nap, but the jack hammering is just too much for me!

~jen

11 hours later...

So much can change over the course of 11 hours. This morning we thought we were going to take a wait and see approach and were hopeful that the obstruction would resolve on it's own. Unfortunately, Cody's body had a different plan and decided enough was enough. Cody began experiencing increased abdominal pain this afternoon and the decision was made to operate.

Cody went into surgery about 2:45 and 2 hours later we finally discovered the extent of the obstruction. We were given actual pictures of Cody's bowels and the aftermath of the removal of the scar tissue. I am not able to scan the pictures from our laptop (and some of you may not want to see them), but basically just imagine your bowel having a rubber band around it. The surgeon described it as Cody's small intestine was having a heart attack. The tissue was slowly being closed off from the blood supply. The constriction was causing all of the stool and gas in his bowels to backup and making the intestines dilate (get bigger). This was causing the intense abdominal pain. The surgeon was able to do the surgery via laparoscopy(4 small incisions).

Cody is doing well right now. He's been asleep since he got to the floor (about 5:30). He has a PCA (patient controlled anesthesia) to control his pain. I call it his magic button. I was so happy to see it on his IV pole when he got to the room. He still has his tubes. We were told to expect to be here for a week. This isn't something that he will easily recover from. It's going to be a long haul. But, we've made it this far and hopefully the worst is behind us and Cody will return to being an active, healthy teenager.

Thank you all for the calls, emails, and offers to help where needed. Over the next few days, I may be calling to claim those offers to help. I'll post updates through the blog as I have more information. Hopefully I'll be able to post something in the morning and evening of each day.

Prayers are still appreciated as we still have a long recovery ahead of us.

~jen

Update

Cody rested somewhat during the night. He's not having any more abdominal pain. He seemed to have some moments of confusion last night, but he seems to be more oriented this morning. He's struggling with not being able to eat or drink. He desperately wants the tubes out of his body. Unfortunately, we have to follow the doctor's orders so that he can heal. Please say a prayer for him.
More updates to come later.
~jen

Cody

For those of you finding about this through reading this post, I apologize. Know that we have been on a roller coaster for the past 48 hours and did not call everyone.

Cody has been admitted to the hospital for a small bowel obstruction. He began having some problems late Saturday. I took him to the ER early Sunday morning. After tests and lab work, he was diagnosed with food poisoning and we were sent home. He did well during the day on Sunday. Monday morning he woke up feeling a little sore and worn out. He stayed at home from school. Around 10:30 I received a phone call from him that he was starting to have more abdominal pain. I took him to my clinic and had a doctor there reevaluate him and his labs. She didn't find anything different than the ER doctor, and also thought his symptoms were consistent with food poisoning. Around 2:30 Monday afternoon, Cody came out of my bedroom crying and begging me to call an ambulance, that something was seriously wrong. I made the decision to drive him myself to the ER. After 8 hours, numerous tests, a CT, and a gallbladder ultrasound, it was discovered that Cody has a small bowl obstruction.

The surgeon that was called in to consult explained to us that more than likely this obstruction was caused by scar tissue from the appendectomy. This scar tissue has adhered to part of Cody's small bowel, causing the bowel to twist.

Where we are now...
Cody has a NG tube (a tube that was inserted through his nose and runs down into his stomach), a catheter, and is on a 48 hour bowel rest. The surgeon is hoping that the bowels will rest enough to untwist. This will allow the stool in his bowel to start moving again. He is resting comfortably now. In fact it's been more than 4 hours since he received his last dose of pain medication. The tubes bother him for obvious reasons. Now we just wait and see what happens.

I've gone through a range of emotions today. From worry, anger, fear, to sadness. We had the absolute worst nurse after 7:00 this evening who did all but tell Cody he was faking, that there was nothing wrong with him when he asked for more pain medication. Never mind the fact that he's crying, hyperventilating, begging to be put to sleep, writhing in pain and agony... never mind all those things. No, until we know what's really wrong with you... until I have proof... sorry, I've given you enough medication to take care of your pain. I have never been more angry and have felt more helpless than I did tonight. I was spoken to like I didn't have one iota of nursing judgement. I was pissed off (sorry for the language... I know it will probably be offensive to some of you, but I am still angry over the situation even now, 5 hours later.). He was sent to have a CT done during one of his most painful episodes only to be told by the nurse, "we haven't found anything wrong with you... we've given you all the pain medication that you can have... I can't give you anything else." I basically told her that wasn't acceptable only to hear her respond with "we haven't found anything wrong with him". I replied with there is something obviously wrong with him. He is not faking if that's what you are implying. Off we went to a CT where Cody had remain flat on his back, holding his breath, so the machine could scan his body. I stood outside the CT room and cried. Never in my life have I ever felt so helpless for my child.

Once we returned to the room, pain medication was made available. Once the CT was read by the radiologist and all the doctors on his case determined their plan, Cody's nurse came in to our room and said, "well, I guess there was something wrong with you". Since when did nursing become prove first, treat later. I glared at her and left the room. For all of our sakes, me leaving the room was the best choice because what we needed to be focused on was Cody. I'll have time later to file a complaint against this nurse and if we are ever in need of emergency care in the future and she's working, we will request to be reassigned to a different nurse.

Moving on (I've let this nurse get more than the better of me and it's time to put it behind me and move on). It's 1:29. Cody's fast asleep. One of the doctors that was on Cody's case (but has since been removed now that Cody is a surgical case) just came to check on him. He's the one who actually caught the obstruction and moved us in the right direction. It's reassuring that there are good doctors out there who actually care for the well being of a patient, even if they are no longer assigned to that patient. He's offered to follow-up on Cody and peek in every once in a while to see how he's doing.

I think I am going to try and get a couple hours of sleep now. Mike's gone home to sleep. Thank you to Rebecca for graciously taking care of Caden for us tonight. We appreciate it.

I'll update once we meet with the surgeon in the morning.

Prayers for Cody would be appreciated.
~jen

I will survive (maybe)

Today was day 5 of 12 in a row work-days between my 2 jobs. While today was only half a day, it's still a day that I had to wake up before 6:00, shower, hair, make-up and out the door by 7:45. Hopefully I will survive the next 7 days. The last stretch is the worst as I will make 2 separate trips to Lubbock to watch Cody play his last basketball games of the season. I will survive.

Earlier this week I had some lab work done. On more than 1 occasion, I've had someone tell me how pale I've been looking. I've also been really run down, tired, achy... more than the regular run down, tired, and achy. So, I decided to ask one of our doctors at the clinic to order a full-work up on me. A few days later I started to have some stomach aches and pains, so another doctor added a little more lab work. We discovered that I am anemic, low on B12 and low on iron. The answer to my stomach pain was a bacterial infection in my stomach which can be present due to (and cause) stomach ulcers. I was able to see a GI specialist yesterday and he gave me the same results. He's ordered some additional lab work to determine why I am experiencing these lows. There's a chance they are all related to the infection (and/or an ulcer), but I'm going to have to play the waiting game while we wait on the lab results. He's started me on 3 different antibiotics, Prevacid (which I discovered this evening my insurance refuses to pay for... I won't even get started on that soapbox... I wasn't very nice to the "insurance specialist" on the phone earlier), iron tablets, and B12 injections. I will survive.

I am scheduled to have a EGD test done in April. The doctor will take a biopsy of my stomach and he'll also look to make sure the bacterial infection has cleared. Luckily this is the scope that is from above and not below (if you know what I mean). I will survive.

We received our bill from Cody's appendectomy. $19,000 and some change. Of course that's before any insurance adjustments or discounts... so I am patiently waiting for the final bill to come in. I will survive.

These past few weeks have been crappy (for lack of a better word). I will survive (maybe).
~jen

Cadenisms

Some of my favorite posts are my Cadenisms. Last week Caden came home proclaiming that he and Elizabeth were getting married. Elizabeth is a little girl that sits at Caden's table at school. I was intrigued with Caden's plan so I began asking some questions. After all, I don't know Elizabeth so I was a little curious. When asked what kind of job Caden would have, he replied that he would be the manager at Honda... he would be his daddy's boss. But... there was a perk for Mike; he would only have to work on Saturdays. All the other days of the week Mike could play golf. And on occasion, Caden would take the day off and join him on the golf course. When I asked where they would live, Caden said he didn't know. I could tell that he hadn't thought about this part of his future. Maybe he thought he'd just live here, but then I could see him working this all out in his mind and he didn't know where they would live. Hopefully not too far from home, though.
Mike was listening to our conversation and asked a very important question... does Elizabeth know about this plan? Caden responded (while rolling his eyes)... y-e-s, she's the one who told me that we were getting married! Those forward girls. In kindergarten no less!
~jen

Enough

Some days I just want to climb to the tallest peak and scream at the top of my lungs... E-N-O-U-G-H. Enough. Enough worry. Enough pain. Enough depression. Enough bills. Enough doubt. Enough crying. Enough jealousy. Enough working 2 jobs. Enough busting my --- to get a step forward only to be brought back 2 steps. Enough unfairness. Enough fear. Enough. Enough. Enough. Seriously, enough. I'm at my breaking point today. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of the bills. I'm sick of not having enough. I'm sick of being sad. I just want to be free sometimes. Free from worry. Free from fear. Free from debt.
I'm at my breaking point. I've always been told that I won't be given more than I can handle... we'll I'm reaching my what-I-can-handle-point and the breaking point is near, so please... enough.
~jen

2008-2009 Basketball Picture

Can I just tell you that looking at this picture brings tears to my eyes. My baby has grown up. :)

~jen

Cancelled and Disappointed

Cody just called a little while ago to tell me that his afternoon game against Lubbock High has been cancelled. As disappointed as I am (and he is, too) I know that it is the right decision based on our current weather conditions. I know I wouldn't want my child riding in a bus for a 2 hour trip on wet, icy, and snowy roads.

So, I'm using some of my free time this afternoon to post some pictures and videos from the boys' last basketball games. Caden made his first ever points last Saturday. He had 4. (Which by the way was half of his team's total points.... it was a low scoring game!) His team lost by 4 points.


Cody had a great game against one of the Midland teams. He had 6 points. His points were the first on the board (not that it matters). :)

These pictures/videos were taken on my digital camera and some of them are out of focus. (Maybe one day when our household recovers from it's own recession, I can upgrade my camera!)

(The video won't load at this time. I'll try again later.)

~jen

Finally!

Just thought I'd let you all know that I finally got our second Christmas tree taken down and put in the garage with all the other Christmas decorations. Yippee! Finally.

A Return to Blogging

On Friday I received a text message from my dad asking if everything was ok because he hadn't seen any recent posts to my blog. :)

I'm ok. It's just been a crazy, stressful start to the new year. In fact I'm declaring a new new year.

Everyone is doing well. (Thank goodness.) Cody has his post-op follow-up appointment this afternoon. I let him participate in his game on Saturday even though he hadn't been released from the doctor. AHS won against Midland. (Thanks Marcia for going to Cody's game.... Cody and Caden had games at the same time!)

Caden's last stomach bug was limited to the 24 hour variety and he is doing well. He started basketball this past week. Below are videos from his first game. He absolutely loves to do anything Cody does so he was so excited for basketball to start. Caden gives his all during each game and practice. He smiles the entire game. I love that about him. I know he will outgrow this stage and the competitive stage will set in; I just hope he always remembers to love the game and have fun.

Mike's doing ok. For those of you who haven't heard, his grandmother passed away January 7th. Louise was a wonderful person. The legacy that she has left behind is amazing... 23 grandchildren and 35 great-grandchildren. I am blessed to have had her as my grandmother-in-law. I know Mike was blessed to have her as his grandmother.
Things at the dealership are very slow. Terribly slow. The worst they've ever been. I'm trying to have faith that his job will remain secure. Prayers would be appreciated.
Brighter news... the Steelers' are headed for the Super Bowl! I was a nervous wreck last night with all the yelling... screaming... clapping... up and down out of the recliner... more yelling. I kept busy and only watched once I knew the win was inevitable. Thank goodness they won. :)

As for me... I'm doing ok. Just taking everything day by day and trying not worry and think too much about the future. There's so much uncertainty and worry. I'm working 2 jobs now. Last week I worked 55 hours. This week will be close to 50. Prayers for me would be appreciated, too. I know we will get through these trying times. All I have to do is look back through this blog and see what all we've already overcome.

Sorry for the delay in posts... just been busy living life. :)

~j

Another Video

I don't know what is more fun to watch... Caden playing basketball or Caden on the sideline. :)

Caden's First Basketball Game

Here's a short video of Caden's first basketball game. (This video was taken on my digital camera so it's not the best quality... but it works!)

Christmas Pictures

Seriously?

My sister-in-law, Rebecca, and my husband's cousin, Tara, have blogged about how the start of this year hasn't been all that great. I have to agree. I would think we've all been thru enough to last a while... and then all of a sudden... there's puking. Caden seems to have the start of a stomach bug. Seriously. Enough.
~jen

Doing well...

We finally got home yesterday about 1:15. Cody was asleep curled up in his comforter within minutes of getting home. He did well during the afternoon. He slept most of the day. Mike and I decided to let him go to the big game last night, only to sit in the stands and watch though. I didn't feel that he should have gone, but somehow I gave in. Tascosa ended up beating us.

Cody's gone to school this morning. I gave him the option to stay at home if he needed to, but he decided he wanted to go. He's been given strict instructions to call if it becomes too much.

What a start to the new year. One bright side is we've already met our deductible. :)

~jen

Update

We should be heading home within the next hour or so. I'll post once we are home.
~jen

Sleep Deprived

I don't know how one is to get well if you are not allowed to sleep around here! Holy moly. Between the hum of the IV (and it's not really a peaceful, lull you to sleep kind of hum) and the rarrrrr sound of the compression device that is massaging Cody's lower legs (to decrease the risk of blood clots forming in his legs while his activity level is low... which by the way, Cody's already asked me to find out how to purchase one of these machines for home... he seems to like it.)... anyways back to my thought... between those 2 machines playing some sick game of back and forth beeping and rarrring and the nursing staff coming in every 2 hours... how is one to get well if they are not allowed to sleep! But on the other hand... who needs sleep? That's the sleep deprivation talking. Never mind that.

Cody did well during the evening. We took an evening stroll last night before bed. He wasn't happy about it, but a good friend of ours threatened Cody that she'd send her husband up here to get on Cody if he didn't walk. Don't know how much bearing that had on Cody's decision to finally get up and walk as this man that was going to be on his way if Cody didn't follow orders is as gentle as a teddy bear! I think he did it to make me happy. And I was happy. He was also told by the nurses that his doctor would be asking him how much he walked, so he probably decided he'd better have a good answer for him this morning.

In between the machines beeping, nurses awakening him for IV checks and vital signs, apparently I snored a little last night (it happens when I am very tired... but Cody said it wasn't too bad and I never snored while the nurses were in here... he's probably lying about that part), and the numerous trips to the bathroom... he slept. Eventually he got to where he would sleep through the beeping machines.

His pain seems better this morning. He took his first dose of oral pain medication last night before bed and it's held him until now. (Since the nurse yesterday apparently used what looked like to be at least an 18 gauge needle... that's basically the size of a water hose... to inject into his toosh, he decided that was the last of the IM injections). He's just taken a second pain pill. I'm praying it will stay down since he refused any kind of cracker or snack to take with it.

Hopefully we will have good news from the doctor within the next few hours. I'll post an update once we know what's going on. Thanks for the emails and calls.

~jen

Cadenism

A little bathroom humor...

Earlier today the nurse in me was counting down the time that Cody had left before he was "due to void". There is a strict (well... somewhat strict) rule that a patient should void (urinate) within 6 hours of surgery or removal of a catheter. If they are unable to void then a straight cath is usually done. Well, we were approaching our due to void time earlier this afternoon and I was encouraging Cody to try and go to the bathroom.... or else. Well, this got Caden's attention. "Or else what?" (asked Caden with a mischievous grin... he's heard 'or else' before). I replied with "or else Cody will have to have a catheter put in." Of course I had to explain what a catheter was in terms that a 6 year old would understand. I basically showed him Cody's IV line and told him that a tube like the IV line would be put inside his "pee-pee" (we'll keep this G-rated) and the tee-tee would drain out. Well, of course Caden's eyes got real big and he immediately began shaking his head no and saying... "Oh, no... oh, no. Cody if I was you I'd be getting out of that bed and go pee. You don't want that to happen to you... oh no." It was hilarious.

~jen

Update

I'm back at the hospital now. I've been back for a while. Caden and I were able to go home earlier and take a nap, and I was able to take a much needed bath and change clothes. Mike and Cody were able to get in a good nap as well while we were gone.

Cody's had many visitors today. Lots of family and friends stopped by to see him. It's a good feeling to know so many care for him. It didn't take long for the word to spread throughout his friends. 3 of his basketball teammates stopped by to see him. They gave him a hard time for not wanting to play against Tascosa tomorrow night that he had to go and have surgery of all things. That got a smile from Cody. I think tomorrow's game is probably the hardest one to miss.

Cody's doing better this evening. He's still hurting some. It's under control now though. Not like before. He's taken a shot in his toosh. He didn't want to, but it was too early for pain medication by mouth. He would more than likely become nauseated and would have ended up throwing up any oral medication, so he agreed to the shot. It seems to have taken the edge off. He says he doesn't have pain like he did earlier, just muscle soreness. When you have a six pack of abs like Cody does, I would imagine those muscles would be very sore after having metal rods inserted through them.

Hopefully he will rest well tonight and the pain will stay under control. I'll post another update in the morning.

~jen

Appendectomy

Well, Cody had appendicitis and therefore no longer has his appendix. He had surgery this morning at 8:15. What was supposed to be just an hour surgery, ended up with us waiting until 10:00 to finally see the doctor. His first words were, "don't worry... we've been out for a while". My first thoughts were, where the heck have you been then? Notice I said thoughts. I kept my mouth shut.

After a rocky recovery, the trip to the surgical floor, and a very tearful, hurting Cody... we finally got some medication on board to help with his pain. He has 3 small incisions in his lower abdomen. The doctor was able to do a lap procedure rather than open Cody up. This will lessen his recovery time, which is good when your right in the middle of basketball season!

I've run home with Caden for a little break. I am amazed that I am still speaking coherently since I have now been awake for 33 hours. I need to get some things packed for Cody and I for tonight. I also need to make sure everything is ready for Caden for his first day back to school after Christmas break.

Cody will have more lab work drawn in the morning to check his white blood cell count. We are hoping to see that the numbers have decreased. If so, then he should be released. If not, then we are there another day for IV antibiotics.

I'll post an update from the hospital this evening. Thanks to all of you that have stopped by to visit. We really appreciate everything.

~jen

Appendicitis?

Here's my first chance to blog away from home....

Yesterday afternoon Cody began complaining of abdominal pain. He said it only hurt a little, so I decided to play the wait and see game. By 7:45, Cody was in tears. After a quick assessment and a Q and A with Cody, I decided it would be best to take him to the ER. We've been here since 8:40. We spent almost 4 hours in the waiting room, then another 2 hours in a room before we knew what possibly could be wrong. Cody has an elevated white blood cell count, protein in his urine (not sure if that's related to the appendix), and a CT was done. Since Cody is so skinny and has very little fat in his abdomen, the CT did not visualize his appendix. The ER doctor is confident that the appendix is our problem, though. He has called in a surgeon to come and evaluate Cody. The surgeon also seems somewhat sure that his appendix needs to be removed because he has gone ahead and scheduled Cody's surgery for this morning.

Cody is sleeping right now. He was given some IV pain medicine earlier and I think it has finally taken effect. He's been somewhat calm. He's mostly upset that he won't be playing in a big rivalry basketball game tomorrow night. He's probably already asked me 10 times if I will let him play. Mike didn't help matters by telling us that Ben Roethlisberger (Steelers' QB) was back in action within 1 week after having his appy done!

We'll get the final word from the surgeon regarding how long Cody will be out. Right now, I just want to get through today. I can't even believe that I am still functioning after being awake now for 24 hours straight! (Much less typing in somewhat complete sentences!)

Please say a prayer for Cody. Please pray that he will have a safe and successful surgery. Please pray that Cody will be able to accept his recovery time. Please pray for Mike and I. This is a first for us. Thankfully it is something simple as an appendectomy, but it's still a major event for us.

I'll post updates as the day goes on. (Thank goodness for laptops and the hospital offering wireless Internet!)

~jen

First Random Thoughts of 2009

Happy New Year 3 days late. Better late than never, right?

So here's the first (of many, I'm sure) random thoughts post. Where to begin?

Let's start with a prayer request. Mike's grandmother has been admitted to hospice care. One goes through a range of emotions when the word hospice is heard. For some it's a reminder of a loved one who has already passed; it's a little relief that the end is near and that suffering will be kept to a minimum; it's a peaceful place, quiet place where loved ones can be surrounded by family and friends as those last moments draw near. For others it is the realization of the circle of life.

Mike's grandmother has lived to be 90. Last night while watching her rest I looked at her hands. What those hands must have done in 90 years. They are wrinkled, bruised, and worn. But they are also warm, gentle, and long to be held. We all spent our time holding her hands last night. They are beautiful 90 year old hands. I am blessed to have had those hands hold both my babies, to experience the wonderful cherry jelly that those hands made, to have the crocheted items that those hands made for our home, and to have had the opportunity to hold and caress her beautiful hands. God bless you Louise. I love you as if you were my own grandmother.

To my own grandparents reading this... I love you more than you'll ever know.

I had planned to post my random thoughts, but anything else I have to blog about seems unworthy to follow this prayer request. So, I'll save those for another day.

~jen

It's Official!!

I am now an Uppercase Living Demonstrator! Oh the excitement! I really am excited about the prospect of this new chapter in my life. I've never done anything like this before, so I'm a little nervous and excited! Here's a link to my personal web page. Feel free to look around, browse the catalog (a new catalog will be released after the first of the year), and let me know if you see something you like! Online ordering is not available yet. That is something that may come in time, but right now... I'm being a little more cautious than ambitious. :)

Thanks for letting me share my excitement with you. If you are interested in hosting an open house or a book party, please let me know!
~jen

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today is my Dad's birthday.

Happy Birthday Dad. I hope you have a wonderful day. I wish we could be there to celebrate today with you. I love you and miss you very much. Sending you a great big {{hug}}.

Love always~
jen

PS... Merry Christmas, too. :)

Merry Christmas Eve

It's quiet in my house now.

We've had a great Christmas Eve together. We attended a candlelight service at our church. It was probably one of the most beautiful events I've ever attended. The church we attend has several hundred members and the auditorium was packed this evening. Towards the end of the service, the lights were turned completely off. The only light in the auditorium came from several candles burning from the pulpit. Displayed above us on the ceiling were special effect lights that resembled a star-filled sky. Slowly, one by one, we all lit our candles and sang Silent Night. It was beautiful. What a blessing it was to attend this service. What a reminder of what Christmas is all about.

Right now is probably one of my favorite moments of the evening. It's quiet. Everyone is asleep. It took well over an hour to get Caden to bed and asleep. He's one excited little boy.

Everything has been prepared. Everything is laying in it's proper, planned out place... just waiting for 2 special boys to wake up in the morning and enter the living room. What excitement awaits. I almost want to sleep on the couch so I can catch their first reactions.

I hope they will be excited.

Merry Christmas Eve to you all...
~jen

Random Thoughts

I've let too many days go by without cleaning. Today's the day it all gets done. But... as you can see I am on my computer not getting much done right now! The computer could be my problem with cleaning!

I've had this product for several months now and I love it! I would totally recommend it! It has made cleaning this afternoon a little easier.

I'm ready for this week to be over. This has not been the best Christmas season for me. I'm ready for it to be behind me. I'm ready for the New Year. There is something exciting about the prospect of starting over. Bring on the resolutions.

I spent the day yesterday posting old photos of friends from high school to our youth group alumni page on Facebook. So many memories. Here's two of my most favorite senior year pictures (I may have posted these before):

What I'd give to (1) go back and relive this night again, (2) have that hair again, (3) be able to fit into that dress again. I still have it hanging in my closet. Every once in a while I'll take it out and dream of yesterday. Such wonderful memories. What's scary (and quickly bringing me back to reality) is that Cody is 3 years away from being where I was when this picture was taken.

We've had an opportunity to experience a "pay-it-forward" moment this past week. It helped to turn a sad moment into a feel-good moment for Mike and I.

I've spent the last couple nights playing with Cody's Christmas gift. It's going to be hard to turn this one over to Cody. :) (To be safe, I'd better keep it a secret until after Christmas. You know... just in case he gets on my blog and reads it between now and Christmas. I hope you are catching the sarcasm.)

I can't believe that the school year is half-way over. I'm half a year away from being a mom to a sophomore and first grader.

I have one more Christmas present to buy and then I'm done. Stick-a-fork-in-me done. Thank goodness.

Tomorrow is baking day. Lots planned to do. Fudge, mom's toffee bars, this cookie recipe, and a cake or two. Maybe even a decorated sugar cookie or two or twenty. I'm trying to skip this yearly tradition. Not sure that will go over well with Caden. :)

It is bitter cold here today. My thoughts... if it's going to be this cold, then it at least should be snowing. I've never been more ready for spring than I am now. I am ready to be able to open my front door and windows. I'm ready to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. It's amazing how a little sunshine can brighten your mood. I seriously believe there is a link between winter and depression.

Even though Caden is six and Cody is 14, I still can't seem to go the bathroom by myself. There must be a signal that goes off and causes one or both boys to need me at the very moment I step into my bathroom.

Cody will start driving in 98 days (give or take a few days). Mercy me. :)

I'd better get off this computer and get back to the cleaning. Hope your day is fabulous.

~jen

Yucky Strep

We caught the strep bug. Caden woke up this morning complaining of a sore throat and his tummy hurting. My thought was ding, ding, ding... we have a winner for strep! Off we went to the clinic I work at (nursing at a clinic has it's advantages!), in through the back door and straight to a room. I swabbed his throat (he wasn't too happy to have me do that to him) and sure enough it was positive. 3 prescriptions later (one for me (my strep was negative, but I've got the same symptoms as Caden), one for Cody (just in case), and one for Caden... again... another advantage to working in a clinic!) Caden and Mike were on their way home. I stayed and worked a few hours and now I am at home with Caden so Mike could go to work. We are juggling the stay-at-home-with-our-sick-child duties today.

It's amazing how these words ... we are going to Granny's this weekend... will suddenly bring on an illness! It happens 90% of the time we plan a trip anywhere. It's really quite comical!

Anyways, say a little prayer for little Caden. His tonsils are quite enlarged and yucky. Hopefully he will feel better soon (just in time for his class Christmas party tomorrow!).
~jen

Thank You

To our Secret Angel,

I have no idea who you are. I want to know who you are, but I understand why you have remained anonymous.

I don’t know what words to say right now. I’m basically speechless. I’ve cried. I’ve called Mike and cried some more. I’ve reread your letter to us over and over.

The same questions keep running through my mind… how, why, who. How did you do this? Who are you (because I desperately need to know)? And more importantly why? We are not deserving of this. There are so many more who don’t have the blessings that we have been given. There are so many more who are more deserving of this gift.

Please know that we are shocked, surprised, overwhelmed, but most importantly grateful. The word “thank you” does not seem enough to describe how grateful and humbled I am at this moment.

You have made a difference in our lives that will never be forgotten. I promise that this will be one of those pay-it-forward moments that we will pay to someone else. We will bless someone else’s lives the way you have blessed ours. I don’t know when that moment will come, but I promise you that we will bless someone else the way you have blessed us.

Thank you. To who ever you are, please know that we are very grateful. One day, I hope to know who you are so I can personally thank you for this blessing.

With the upmost sincerity and love,
Michael and Jennifer

(To everyone else reading this, we received an anonymous letter in our mail today revealing an anonymous deposit into our checking account. The only hint I received in the letter is that this person reads my blog. This is my thank you letter to our secret angel.)

My Sandie

Here's a pretty rough video of Cody at today's game. I took this video on my digital camera, so the quality is not the best. Cody is #32. He's the one shooting at the beginning of the video.

~jen

12 days 'til Christmas?!?

Oh me, oh my. Only 12 days left? Where has time gone? So much to do, so much to do! :)

~jen

Weather Report

Here's a weather report for all you non-Texas Panhandle people....
-Current Conditions: Blowing snow
-Current Temperature: 27 degrees
-Wind Speed: 33 mph
-Wind Chill: 10 degrees

I wonder if it is too early to be wishing for spring?

Hope the weather is lovely where you are!
~jen

Latest Pictures

Here's some of our latest pictures:

My new window decal on my Pilot. I was so proud to stand back and see this on my window.

Meet the Basketball Team Night. Cody is under the "A" in the white shirt and khaki pants. Again, another proud moment.

Caden watching The Polar Express and holding Bevo.

Our "homemade" Christmas tree in our den. Caden and I made all the ornaments for this tree.

I loved how Caden's ornaments turned out.

Our living room Christmas tree.

My new Uppercase Living products.

(I will start selling these products in January! Parties, anyone?)

Caden watching the Electric Light Christmas Parade last night.

~jen

A Small Piece of Advice

Last night I decided that I would like a bag of popcorn to munch on while reading some new library books. (FYI... I will finally be updating the "What I'm reading now/finished reading" section of my blog... I know... the suspense... you can't wait to find out, can you!?!)

Anyway... back to the popcorn. For whatever reason I also decided at that very moment I started the microwave that I needed to go look quickly (quickly is the key word) for something to wear for tonight's holiday office parties (we have mine and Mike's this evening!). Apparently, I wasn't quick enough. I should have known that I could have spent a good 20 minutes searching my closet for something to wear and still come out empty handed. I entered the kitchen to find a horrible, back-grey cloud of smoke escaping my microwave. I debated. Open the door, grab the bag of popcorn, run it outside. OR... grab the microwave, run it outside. Well, during these stressful, economic times... it is much cheaper, economical... to replace a bag of burnt popcorn tossed outside, than hurling a smoking microwave outside! And believe me, I was so mad at myself that I really wanted to throw that microwave out the back door! Instead, sanity won. I took a deep breath, opened the microwave door, grabbed the HOT bag of smoking popcorn, tried to seal it up as best as I could... but remember, it was HOT... and then run as quickly as I could to the garage. I come back in to hear both my children and my husband yelling, What's burning? Is there a fire? What's burning? I calmly screamed... I BURNT THE POPCORN! The response from my husband.... "why did you do that... why didn't you just use the "popcorn" button on the microwave, then you wouldn't have burnt the popcorn". He didn't get a reply. He got a look.

I opened the kitchen window, grabbed another bag of popcorn, started the microwave, stood firmly in place in front of the microwave, counted seconds between every little pop, filled my bowl, grabbed my library books, and settled into my bed. 45 minutes later, Mike opens the door to our bedroom and yells.... "The whole house stinks like burnt popcorn! If you had only used the popcorn button on the microwave!". No reply... only a look.

12 hours later... my house still smells like burnt popcorn! Ughh.

My advice... use the popcorn button on your microwave!

~jen

Thinking Out Loud

I've thought about changing the title of my blog for a while now. When I first started blogging I couldn't come up with a fun, catchy title. All I could come up with was A Steelers Family. Well... not all of us are huge fans of the Steelers, but you kind-of have to take all the bad with the good when you get married. (The Steelers are not bad... that's not what I'm saying!)

I've used Thinking Out Loud for the title of a couple of posts lately. I've started realizing that this is what this blog is about. I'm thinking out loud. These are my thoughts, my dreams, my sorrows, my worries, my joys, my pictures, my day in the life of, my everything... out loud.

Nothing else has changed. The web address is the same, I've just edited the title section of the blog to Thinking Out Loud.

I hope you are enjoying this blog. It's been a great journal for me. It's just another day in the life of Jennifer.

~jen

A Conversation with Caden

A few days ago, Caden and I had a heart-to-heart. Lately he’s had a terrible case of the “I wants”. As in “ohh… I want that”, “mom, mom… come here… (pointing to the TV)… I want that”. He also has a case of the “Can I have that?” and “Let’s put this on my Christmas list”.

Back to our heart-to-heart… While searching through the plethora of Black Friday ads for Christmas gift ideas, he started the ohhs and ahhs; and before long came the “I want thats”. It had been a long day. I was tired. I was calculating in my mind the bills that were still left to pay, and on top of that, adding up the endless Christmas list that was evolving. I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to go on the black Friday shopping spree that I so desperately wanted to do this year. I was beginning to not like “Santa”. Santa has been all the talk of our home lately. Santa this, Santa that. How many more days until Santa comes? Where will Santa put our gifts? How will Santa come down our chimney? Enough. Enough. Enough.

I was sitting in the floor across from Caden who was creating giant black circles around his “I wants”. I took his hands in mine and said, Caden… you need to know that you will not get everything that you want this year. OK?” His response, “Why?”. I tried to explain as simply as I could that we could not afford to buy everything that he wanted. That daddy and I would try and get a few of his most favorite things. He replied with, “that’s ok… Santa will bring me what I want”. Deep breath, thoughts of “I hate Santa” formed in my mind. I explained that Santa would not be bringing everything that he wanted this year, either.

This is where our heart-to-heart ended with my heart breaking apart. He looked up at me and said, “but, mom… I’ve tried to be so good this year”. (Give me a second because the tears are flowing once again.) How does a parent even begin to respond to that? I just wrapped him up in my arms and hugged and kissed him and told him that he had been a very good boy, that he is always a good boy and that I was sorry.

I tried to explain that Santa was very, very busy this year… making extra special toys for all the good boys and girls, but not everyone would get everything that they wanted. That there were some little boys and girls who did not have Wii’s, or Playstations, or Xbox’s, or a closet full of toys, that there were some little boys and girls who did not have anything… so Santa needed to give them extra special toys and that the little boys and girls who had so many things would get less this year.

His six-year old little mind seemed to grasp what I had just said. He was not upset or mad. He simply said ok.

I am beginning to resent this commercial Christmas. I am beginning to resent the pressure of Santa. In our home, Santa will get 90% of the credit of the boys’ Christmas presents. Cody understands. He knows who Santa is. He understands that Mike’s income fluctuates based on car sales. It always has. It’s just harder this year. I am so fearful that my children will be disappointed Christmas morning. That Mike, myself, and most importantly… Santa... will have let them down. I am not sure they see the blessings that they (and me… I have to remind myself that) have everyday.

I'm trying to have the happy, jolly, holiday spirit. I am trying to be happy for my kids, especially Caden. Like any child, he's been counting down the days 'til Christmas since Halloween. He loves Christmas. He loves the idea of Santa. We watched The Polar Express last week. He wanted to know if everything he saw from that movie was real. I lied and said, of course it is. What else was I supposed to say?

This is one of those "for me" posts. This is one to look back on months from now and know that I survived (at least I hope) another day in the life of Jennifer. Say a prayer for us. If you have suggestions, have been through similar experiences, take a moment and post a comment. Let me know I'm not alone.

~jen