Hometown Hero

Today Caden and I had the opportunity to show our support to the family of a fallen soldier from Amarillo. A 20 year old lost his life several days ago while serving our country. 

 

I thought it was important for Caden to understand the sacrifice that our heroes make everyday. A 20 year old... a son, a husband (of less than a year), and a father of a 7 week old baby girl sacrificed his life for us so that we may live in a safer world. 

 

The sound of silence as the procession drove by was nothing like I've ever witnessed.  To see the community lined up and down Coulter street was amazing.  

 

 

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family of our hometown hero.         



Contentment

contentment
noun
the state of being contented; satisfaction; ease of mind.

How many of us are truly content with our lives?  In this very moment, how many could say they are content?  Desiring no more in your lives. To accept this moment in time and be satisfied with things as they are.  Is it wrong to be content?  To be fulfilled?  Or should one desire more?  How much is enough for one to be content?

For me, contentment waxes and wanes.  There are moments in my life when I feel completely satisfied.  But then, there are times when I desire more.

I've contemplated leaving facebook.  Lately it's been a constant reminder to me of how green the grass is on the other side.  The planned vacation, the perfect job, the check-in somewhere exciting, buying a new home, perfect kids with perfect grades, accomplished bios, building a new home, current vacations, perfect pictures of perfect families, the best wife/husband, public proclamations of pure and perfect love.  (Yes, there are a lot of perfects out there.)  Doesn't anyone ever post the bad?  The competition for the perfect depiction of pure happiness is stiff out there in facebook world.  The world where we all sit behind our laptops, cell phones, desktops, sharing our perfect posts and pictures conveying to the world a sense of perfect happiness.

Ok, maybe that was a little harsh, filled with too many perfects. 

I'm guilty of gushing too much happiness to give the allure that my life is as perfect and happy as Susy Sunshine, facebook friend #945.  (For the record, I don't have 945 facebook friends.) Anyone else ever struggle with this?  I guess "this" should be correctly identified as insecurity.  Or maybe even jealousy.

I don't want to feel insecure or jealous of my friend's facebook posts, but in all honesty, there are times when I do. (Just keeping it real here. Confession is good, right?)

I came across a quote from the philosopher Montesquieu. “If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.”

There are times when I long for the green grass on the other side.  But, the green grass on the other side may be nothing more than astroturf.  You know... fake grass.  Shocker.

I'm trying to shift the focus from the neighbor's lawn to my own.  Maybe with a little water and fertilizer, my own grass will become sufficient.  I only want to be happy, not happier or happiest.  Just happy.  And be content with that happiness.

~jen

Reflections

Thirteen days are all that's left until graduation.  This moment is finally here.  Cody will tell you that it is "finally" here.  For me, it's not that it's "finally" here.... but, that it is here. 

A little over a week ago, we celebrated Cody's last year as an Amarillo High Sandie Golfer.  He received his second year varsity letter.  He also received the AHS Sandie Spirit award.  He shares this award with his closest friend, Chase.  It was an evening of wonderful memories from the last four years.  We will miss our golf "family".  Every year we've watched some amazing young men graduate and move on.  This year is no different. 

Last weekend Cody attended his senior prom with his girlfriend, Brooke.  They were a beautiful couple.  I was blessed to be able to take some photos of them together with some of their classmates and friends.  Tears quickly fell after I got in my car to leave.  Memories of my own prom (with my forever prom date... Michael) and joy and happiness for my own son as he begins to form relationships of his own filled my thoughts. 

This weekend Cody and Chase headed off to Dallas for a senior trip.  They attended the Byron Nelson Championship Golf Tournament and then a Dave Matthews Band concert.  As I type this post they are heading home.  Today will be a day of unending prayers until they return safely home. 

Thirteen days are all that's left until graduation.  The dynamics of our home will soon change.  This weekend has given us a test run of "life" without Cody living here.  Even though he's just been gone out of town for the weekend, there's a piece missing.  It's hard to imagine what this will be like when he leaves in August and won't be returning home until at least Thanksgiving. 

A friend posted the following thought on Facebook recently:

Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it you can never get it back.

~ Harvey MacKay

I thought this was a perfect reflection of my life in this moment.  I plan to spend every moment of time.  Soaking it all in.  For these moments are what memories are made of.

~jen 

 

An Old Enemy

An old enemy is creeping back into my life.  It's filled with anger, anxiety, sadness, tears, difficulty sleeping, headaches, short-tempers... it's a horrible disease that I am all to familiar with.  I feel a bout of the blues hitting hard.  I first noticed it about a week ago.  I began to distance myself from friends, co-workers, and even family.  It seems to taken full hold today.  Tears have been eminent.  I have been short-tempered at work and with my family.  Cody and I had a full on argument over fish last night.  I'm not going to rehash it out for you all.  It seems so trivial now. But the argument has occurred and the damage is done.

Depression steals not only your own happiness, but the happiness of those around you.  It's a horrible disease.  I've had my share of struggles with depression over the years.  There have been rounds of antidepressants until life seemed to balance itself out.

Life is out of balance right now.
 
I'm beginning to get frustrated on this weight loss journey.  The scale and I have a love-hate relationship.  Right now I hate the scale.  It hasn't moved in over 2 weeks.  I take that back.  It's moved.  The same one-two pounds seem to fluctuate as a gain and then a loss.  It is so frustrating to work and work and watch what I eat only to see the scale fluctuate.  I've also noticed that I'm losing my momentum with my run-walk program.  This week the workouts intensified greatly with a 6 minute run within the run cycles.  I just can't do it.  I've had to go back to last week's workout cycle.  I attempted to do the workout tonight, but just couldn't get my head around it so I turned around and came back home.  I'm scared of where I am right now.  I don't want to give up.  I don't want to lose my focus.  I need my life to get back into balance.

~jen

A Few Struggles Tonight

As the day has worn on, my mind has been running with doubts and worries.  Here's what I'm struggling with... (and prayers are appreciated)
My patient census is low.  It can't stay low for too long, or I could be out of a job.  Very concerned about this.  Please pray that the patients who need us, will be brought to us. 

We had a major water leak in our home which has caused substantial damage to Cade's room.  Needless to say, it's going to be an expensive fix.  Timing couldn't be worse.  Which leads me to my next struggle.

The countdown clock is ticking away.  6 weeks and counting until graduation.  So much to do.  I know I tend to take on too much, but when it's your oldest son's graduation... how can you not go all out?  My mom has promised to come out a week -or even two- before graduation to help.  (Thank you, Mom.  What would I do without you?)  But there's still so much to prepare for.

My grandfather is having some health issues and I am asking for prayers on his behalf.  Cade and I will be traveling to be with my family this weekend.  Please pray for a safe trip.

Do you ever have those days where you just can't say the right words?  Everything is taken so personal.  Or rather, I take everything so personal.  Simple statements turn into arguments.  That's me tonight.  There's a tension between Cody and I right now and it just hurts.  I think on some level, it's his way of breaking free. "Breaking free" may not be the right way to say it.  He has this longing to be out on his own and out from under our control.  And I'm still struggling to stay in control.  Battle lines are drawn.  It's a no-win situation.  A resolution is needed, otherwise these next 6 weeks will be so much more emotionally draining.

For the last 2 weeks, my weight has stayed the same.  It is so very frustrating.  I know I am more than just a number.  But, after a while you get tired of busting your ass to have nothing to show for it.  Everyday it's a conscious decision of what I put in my mouth.  How many calories is this?  What's the portion size?  Will my family eat this for dinner?  It's non-stop all day long.  Temptations are everywhere.  I'm about to delete the Ruffled Cup from my facebook because everyday they post their cupcake flavors.  EVERYDAY!  Then there's the work-outs.  Again another conscious decision.  I feel this self-doubt creeping in.  That voice in the back of my mind saying... you're going to fail... you're ready to give up... you can't do this.  You can't run a 5K.  You can barely run 3 minutes at a time!  (That's the self-doubt talking.)  It's a battle every day.  I'm reaching a point of just being tired of it all. 

I think that I am just physically, emotionally, and on some levels spiritually exhausted.  Work is exhausting, emotionally draining.  The struggles within our home are exhausting. Financial worries with the upcoming needed repairs, prom, graduation, college.  The dynamics within our home are stressful. Caden keeps us so busy with basketball.  We had 6 trips to Bushland this last weekend for 6 basketball games.  Between that and grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning house... there was no rest.  I can't make him give up his love of the game because his mom is exhausted... but there has to be a happy medium.

Just a few minutes ago I took a peek at facebook and came across a post from a group that I subscribe to.  It reads:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.

Proverbs 3:5-6
A Confident Heart by Renee Swope

Tonight... I pray for a straight path.  I know it's not mine to ask for.  I have to trust without trying to figure it all out on my own. 

(Thank you for the prayers...)
~jen
    

Confessions of a Heavy-Hearted Mother

Tonight my heart is heavy.  Not my physical heart, but the emotional one.  In 2 days, my Cody turns 18.  How can a heart be filled with such joy, love, pride, and sorrow all at the same time? 
For the last several weeks, I've pushed aside these feelings.  Tonight, they seem to all be crashing down on me.  So many memories are flooding my mind.

The smell of Johnson's baby lotion. Chubby thighs.  A pacifier and a cloth diaper.  "Hold you".  A smile that could light up my world... and one that still does.  Lots and lots of laughter. Parent taught driver's education.  Curiosity of what could be found in Mimi's kitchen drawers.  Sunday outfits complete with bow-ties and suspenders.  Quiet-time books.  Frogs.  Snow angels.  Flashcards.  Love of the outdoors.  Birthdays.  Hugs and kisses.  Fields of sunflowers.  Driver's license.  Broken arm.  Chubby fingers.  The love of anything sweet.  Lost cell phones (plural... cell-phones!). First smile.  First step.  First day of school.  First speeding ticket.  First wreck.  First heartache.  Every first.  Watching him become a brother.  The love of the game.... every game.... every sport.  Lakers.  Steelers.  Emergency appendectomy.  Rocking him to sleep.  Holding him.  Loving him. 

Cody was such a blessing.  Cody is a blessing.  In some ways, we've grown up together.  I look back at pictures of Michael and I shortly after we had Cody and I think... "we were just kids".  We were. We've grown over these last 18 years.  We've made our share of parenting mistakes.  I probably even made one today.  I have not always been the best mother at times.  Lost my temper.  Raised my voice.  Even screamed.  Gave in.  Gave up.  Didn't set the best example.  Said something at some point that I wished I could take back.  I pray Cody knows there was/is no parenting manual.  He didn't come with a set of instructions.  (Man, wouldn't that have been wonderful!)  While the timing of Cody's arrival wasn't ideal, I can't imagine life any other way.  He has shaped this family into what it is today.  I wouldn't be who I am today without him.  He is one of my biggest blessings.

I am so very proud of the young man that Cody is becoming.  We've had our share of struggles.  But I think that goes hand in hand with parenting.  We've learned some tough lessons along the way.  It hasn't always been easy.  I pray that in Cody there is a little of both Michael and I and that he'll carry us along with him wherever he goes.  I pray that in his heart he knows just how much he is loved and how proud we are to call him ours. 

There have been many tears of joy over the last few years.  And while I know there will be many more tears in the near future as we celebrate his 18th birthday and upcoming high school graduation... I am reminding myself to not "cry because it's over, but to smile because it happened" (Dr. Seuss).  And there have been some wonderful smiles through the years...

~jen

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I've visited the blog.  I haven't been the best with keeping up with this!  Life has been b-u-s-y.

Caden is playing in two basketball leagues and has been keeping us busy with 3 games a weekend as well as 2-3 practices a week.  He's counting down the days until he can start playing in some golf tournaments.  I have a feeling our summer will be just as busy as our spring is turning out to be!

Cody is busy, too.  Most of you know he committed to Independence Community College in Independence, Kansas.  Independence is located about 70 miles directly north of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  We had two signing parties for him and enjoyed them both!  He even made the local news!  You can check it out here.  His spring golf tournament season is in full swing.  It is so hard to believe that these next few tournaments will be his last high school golf tournaments!  This spring semester is flying by!  In just over a month, he turns 18.  Suddenly, I feel older.

Michael is working hard at work.  He stays pretty busy as well.  He's been able to help coach Caden's club basketball team.  Caden loves his dad coaching his team.  He's always wanted Michael to coach his team.

As for me... life has been a little stressful.  I'm trying to keep up with all the boys' activities.  I'm having to pick and choose which game or tournament I watch.  That's hard.  I'm torn between both boys and would love to be able to be at two places at once!  Work has been hard these last couple of months.  I'm carrying a high patient load right now which is very stressful.  Some days there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done.  There's been too many days filled with tears.  It's been really hard lately.  On a positive side, I've lost 20 pounds.  I've stuck to a work-out regimen and completed a 6 week workout program.  On Monday, I am starting a new program that is much more intense.  I'm hoping the pounds will continue to drop.  I have a goal of 50 pounds by May.  I feel confident that I will reach that goal!

I have a couple of prayer requests... I am asking that you pray for a couple of families.  Earlier this week a young man who was only 22 years old passed away.  He worked at the golf club that we are members at.  Michael, Cody, and Caden all had a special relationship with him and he will be missed not only by my family, but many others as well.  Also, this week a 14 year old golfer died after falling off the back of a golf cart.  I can't tell you how many times both my boys have caught a ride to the clubhouse on the back of the cart.  This week, we were reminded how quickly life can change in just a blink of an eye.  Please remember these families in your prayers.

~jen               

Positive Change

I resolved two things for the new year... to renew my faith and to get healthy.  I have failed miserably at both of these over the last several months.  My spirit has been dry.  My faith, weak.  I lost my focus.  I have failed.  Over these last several weeks I began to realize that not only was I failing myself by not attending church regularly, but I was failing my children and Michael.

On January 9th, I pledged "30 days of Positive Change".  I recently started listening to K-LOVE on a regular basis and heard about the 30 Day Challenge.  30 days of Christian music and see how it changes your life.  I thought, I'm going to give this a try.  But, I decided to take it one step further... 30 days of Positive Change. 30 days to renew my spirit and get healthy.

It's working.  I haven't changed the radio station from K-LOVE since January 9th.  I downloaded the app on my phone and listen to it while I get ready in the morning.  I've even heard Caden singing along to the radio in the car.

I started reading Stormie Omartian's The Power of a Praying Wife.  (Thanks to a sweet friend for the suggestion of the book along with surprising me with a copy of the book!)  I'm learning as I read.  I'm praying daily.
 
I've lost 9 pounds this week.  Yes, I know this is a lot for a week's time.  No, I'm not doing something crazy!  I started using the My Fitness Pal app on my phone.  I've set a daily calorie goal.  I track everything I eat.  I've given up all Coke products.  Only water or tea (sweetened with Splenda or Equal).  I haven't been able to get to the gym this week as Caden has kept me busy with basketball practices.   But, my goal for this next week is to start my Tae-Bo DVD workouts at home.

5 days into the commitment of Positive Change and I'm seeing changes.  I'm feeling the changes.  I still struggle at times letting negative thoughts (especially those involving work stress) creep in every once in a while.  But, it's a work in progress. 

~jen       

Happy New Year

Another year has come to a close and a new one is here.  There is such newness to a new year.  All those regrets, mistakes, failed resolutions of the previous year are behind me.  Ahead of me is a clean slate. I've debated the whole resolution thing.  Instead of a long list of resolutions, I've narrowed it down to just two. 

One: Renew my faith.
Two: Get healthy.

Simple and to the point.

Romans 12:2

~jen
  

Things I've Learned from Hospice

Soon after I graduated nursing school I overheard another nurse say that 'hospice is where old and tired nurses go to work'.  I am not sure what she really meant by that.  Maybe she was implying that hospice nurses don't work as hard as other nurses.  Or maybe she meant that hospice nurses don't have to use any skills.  Or maybe they don't have to be as smart or think as hard. 

That nurse... she didn't know what she was talking about.

I've never worked harder.  There are some days that I can't make a complete sentence when I get home because I am just mentally exhausted.  (I couldn't remember the words "contestant" and "try-out" while watching the X-Factor last week! You can ask Michael as he patiently waited and heard me struggle to  make a complete sentence!)

There are days that I am so emotionally drained that there is no emotion left in me. 

There are days that I can't stand to hear the phone ring because the phone rang non-stop. 

There are days that I was more than a nurse.  I was a nurse's aid.  I was a social worker.  I was a marriage counselor.  I was a pastor.  I was just someone to listen.  I was someone to hold a hand. 

There are days that I wish I could stick my head out the door and yell for another nurse to come take a look, or a listen, or bounce ideas off of.  Instead it's just me and the patient.  All those things I've learned along the road of nursing... I hope and pray they get me to where I need to be.

I broke down yesterday feeling as though I had failed a patient because I couldn't make this patient better.  The doctor on my team reminded me that I am not going to ever be able to make this patient better.  But, I haven't failed this patient.  I was reminded that we are taking care of the sickest patients.  Their bodies are giving out.  We are not going to be able to fix them.  Anything we do maybe gives them a few more months, weeks, days, or minutes.  But we haven't failed them.

It's so hard to switch a mindset of healing to palliative care.  I realize that I am still new to hospice and it's going to take time to fully be comfortable with this type of patient care.  More importantly, I need to remember to have patience with myself.

I need to remember that as long as I give my best, I will never fail a patient.

~jen  

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Time to finish this up...

Day 28:
Today I am thankful for the unconditional love of my parents.  They have tried to set the best example of Christian parents for my brother and I.  They have loved us unconditionally.  I have made my share of mistakes over the years, I may have embarrassed my parents a time or two, but their love and support has never waivered. 

Day 29:
Today I am thankful for forgiveness and grace.  Spiritually, I have stumbled and fallen over these last few months.     

Day 30:
Today I am thankful for Michael.  I am thankful that he works hard at work.  I am thankful for the father he is to the boys.  Even as I type this, he's at the gym with Caden working on some basketball skills. I am thankful that 18 years ago he stood by my side when he could have walked away.  While our marriage is far from perfect and we have our trials and struggles, as I am sure most couples do, we continue to try to make it work.  Marriage is hard work some days.  But we make it work.

Another 30 days of  Thanksgiving is complete.  I am reminded of how blessed I am.  There are a lot more than these 30 things to be thankful for. 

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 26:
Today I am thankful for lazy Saturdays with no agenda.  They don't happen very often with my two busy boys, but when they do... I sure do enjoy them!

Day 27:
Today I am thankful for a wonderful family photographer.  We are blessed to have Michael's sister as our personal photographer!  Thanks, Angie, for always doing such a great job!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 24:
Today I am thankful for the extended family I like to think of as my own.  When I married Michael, I gained a very large family of in-laws!  I am blessed to have so many wonderful in-laws!

Day 25:
Today I am thankful for the Black Friday specials I was able to find even after getting 8 hours of peaceful sleep! No midnight shopping for this girl!  Nothing better than meeting a good friend for coffee at 7:45 in the morning then hitting the less crowded stores and still able to get some special deals!

Boobie Check ~aka~ Reality Check

**Warning... read at your own discretion!  There will be talk of boobies...  my boobies!**

Saturday, I discovered a lump.  The area surrounding the lump is very tender to painful at times.  The lump is about the size of a bean.  The tender area is about the size of a half-dollar or so.  I have never had any issues like this before so it is all pretty worrisome.

I saw my family doctor on Tuesday.  During the exam, we discovered several other tender areas as well.  I'm a few weeks away from my next cycle, so we don't think the areas of concern are related to hormone changes.  The doctor was fairly confident that this is not a cancer issue, but more of a fibrocystic disease.

I'm scheduled to have a diagnostic evaluation on Monday morning.  It will consist of a mammogram, ultrasound, and possible biopsy.

I'll be glad to have the procedure over and done with.  I've seen and heard the mammogram jokes.  So, I'm not looking forward to the visit at all.  But, hopefully I'll have some more definitive answers.

We all know someone who has been affected by breast cancer.  So, I can tell you that this has been a reality check for me.  It's a reminder to stay in tune with my body and what's going on.  It's a reminder to keep those annual appointments.  As a nurse I know that early detection is the key to any disease.  

I am mostly confident all will be ok.  (There's always a little worry!)  Prayers are appreciated!
~jen    

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 20:
Today I am thankful for the generosity of others.  Cody won an iPad 2 last night at his employer's holiday party and is so very excited to have his new toy!  May he be very responsible with his new, expensive gift!

Day 21:
Today I am thankful for a short work-week!    

Day 22:
Today I am thankful for the knowledge and advice of our family doctor.  We have been blessed over the years to have some of the best doctors caring for us!

Day 23:
Today I am thankful for recipes handed down from generation to generation.  But, none of them taste as good as those baked in the ovens of Granny, Grandma, and Mom.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 19:
Today I am thankful for Caden's happy spirit during each and every basketball game.  There has not been a game where we did not watch Caden smile from the moment the game started until it ended.  He LOVES to play sports.  For the past 3 weekends, I have had 3 different mothers from our team come up to me and tell me what a joy it is for them to watch Caden play basketball.  They love his smiling face and happy spirit.  Win or lose, he's smiling the whole game!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 16:
Today I am thankful for Peppermint Mocha's.  I love these especially on a cold morning!

Day 17:
Today I am thankful for my new Billy Blanks Tae Bo workout DVD's that arrived today!  So very excited to get started.  I love my Body Combat class at the town club, but too many times I am unable to attend the classes.  Now I can workout at home with my favorite workout partner... Caden!  He loved the one or two times he got to go with me to the Combat class (until they restricted the class to just adults!).

Day 18:
Today I am thankful for the job that I am blessed to be a part of.  Today was our Celebration of Life service.  Prior to every holiday season, families who have lost loved ones during the year are invited to attend the service.  Each family member brings an ornament to place on an empty Christmas tree.  Ornaments from the previous years are displayed on separate trees.  I spent several minutes looking at the ornaments from the previous years.  Tears quickly fell as I realized each ornament represented someone's loved one who passed away.  After the service, we had to take down the trees.  Each ornament was carefully wrapped and placed in a box for next year's service.  It is a privilege and honor to be apart of these families lives.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 15:
Today I am thankful for SCHOLARSHIPS!!!  So very excited for Cody and his future!

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 12: Today I am thankful that I get to be a cheerleader mom.  I love to watch my boys play sports.  I love to cheer them on in each and every sport they choose to play!

Day 13: Today I am thankful for the groceries that I was able to purchase.  Our needs have never gone unmet.  We have never suffered from hunger.  We've never had to go without.  For that I am thankful.

Day 14: Today I am thankful for my sweet patients who continue to bless me everyday.  I learn from them.  I am reminded to be patient.  To not be in such a hurry.  To take time to just sit and visit.  Sometimes I get in such a rush to go in, complete my assessment, fill a pill box, call in refills to the pharmacy, that I forget to just take time to visit with them.  I had one patient tell me today that she loves the days I come see her because it gives her someone to talk to.  I am thankful for the blessing I receive from my patients.

Outlive Your Life

I'm taking a break from my 30 Days of Thanksgiving posts to share some personal thoughts.  Earlier this week, we heard the news of a tragedy that affected Michael's hometown.  A 37 year old... a daughter, a wife, a mother... was tragically killed in a weather related car accident just outside of Amarillo.  

I did not know her.  I knew of her, but did not know her personally.  Soon after hearing the news of her death I came across this video that was made almost a year ago to the date of her death.  I've watched it a few times now and thought I would share it.  Even though I did not know this beautiful woman, her words have touched my heart deeply. The morning after Michael received the call of her accident, I broke down crying after I realized that we were the same age.  Only 37.

Take a moment and watch her video.  What a powerful reminder to remember to Outlive Your Life.  

The morning of her death, Denai recorded a message on Grief- Loss of a Spouse, Parent, Child(ren) on blogtalkradio.  You can listen to it here.

My prayers continue for those who knew Denai.  For her family and friends.  I wish I had known her.  What a beautiful testimony her life was... and continues to be.

~jen