Worth the Wait called earlier today and wants me to come back for a 2nd interview. I didn't realize that this would be a multi-step process. It's tomorrow morning at 10:00.
I have never felt more lost than I do now. I honestly don't know what to do. I had a mini break-down yesterday morning and just cried and cried. Most of it was done in the bathroom away from Caden's view. Physically, I just don't feel good. I've had a head cold for about a week now and have not been sleeping well. Emotionally, I am drained. Part of me is so unhappy with work and I have been desperately searching for something else. When that "something else" (I've talked to someone in the Surgery dept, Angie talked to someone in the Heart Cath Lab for me, I've talked to someone at the Urgent Care Clinic, and I've been patiently waiting on Worth the Wait) doesn't work out due to what ever reason, it is such a let down. As much as I try not to get excited about a prospective job coming along, it is so hard to find out the answer is no. I feel like a broken record... I hate my job, I am so sad, I don't feel good, etc., etc., etc. Mike has heard me complain non-stop lately and I know he is tired of it. The boys are tired of having such a sad and tired mom. My friends, I am sure are tired of it, too.
And now that Worth the Wait has called back... IF I was to actually get the job (I am still being safe and practical... there is still a chance I won't get the job) a number of worries pop up in my mind....the schedule, Caden attending day care more, losing my health insurance at a time when I am not really sure if I should take such a risk, paying 2 1/2 times more on insurance for the kids with Mike's employer, I haven't even worked out the details on coverage for me... and the even bigger worries... is this the right job for me, can I do it, will I enjoy it?
I know that I have to let go and have faith. I know that. But when there is so much uncertainty to everything it just seems... and at times is... so overwhelming. I know my part of our financial responsibilities, I know I still have a stone in my kidney, our medical bills from my surgery are starting to come in.... do I risk what "good" I have with my current job... only to give it up... hoping that there is something better for me? I know that no one can answer this question for me. It is only my decision to make.
I have a scripture posted to the side of my blog,
"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16
I can't tell you how many times I have read this. I know that I need to have more faith. I am trying. Hopefully sooner than later... this rough place will be smooth one day.
~jen
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