Thinking Outloud

Have you ever wanted to go back in time? Maybe it was to a special time in your life, like a favorite birthday. Or maybe to hear a loved one's voice just one more time. Maybe to make a different choice, to take back an ugly comment. Maybe to relive a special memory just once more. For me, lately I wish to go back to 1992. I wish to be 18 just once more. I don't know what it is that has got me thinking about high school. Maybe it's having a teenager who is just beginning to experience high school life. Maybe it's reconnecting through Facebook with so many friends from my high school days. Maybe another birthday is approaching, another reminder that my youth is escaping me. Maybe that's what has brought on this deluge of memories.

Just once I wish I could take a ride through the drag that is (was?) 45th street and Bell through Southwest Park (it's now called John Stiff Park). To ride in the car with the windows rolled down, wind blowing in my hair, singing at the top of my lungs joy ride. Of course there's no one stopping me from doing that now... it would just look a little odd to see a not-quite middle aged woman riding through the streets at night with her windows rolled down singing at the top of her lungs to Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun! People would be looking at me thinking (A) she's just escaped from the psych ward; (B) she's crazy... see choice A; or (C) she's having a nervous breakdown, going through an early mid-life crisis! So which is it? Am I crazy? Is this the beginning of a pre-mid life crisis? Does anyone else wish just for a little reprieve from their life now?

I long to be young again. I wish for that smooth, pretty skin that once existed on my hands and face. I wish for the clothes size that I was once able to fit into! I wish for freedom. I miss that fearlessness that I once owned. I miss the friends that I had. It's hard to reconnect with someone after 15 years. You picture them in your mind the way they were when you last saw them. But they've grown up just like you have. They've gotten married, had babies, maybe gained a few pounds, too. I just wonder if they think about yesterday. If they ever wish to go back. Are their lives perfect, or do they struggle with the day to day ...for lack of a better word... crap as I do? Are they content? Do they ever wish to drag along Bell, windows rolled down, singing at the top of their lungs... Girls Just Want to Have Fun... or the song of their choice?

Who knows what's wrong with me. Who knows why the sentimental feelings have hit so hard lately. Who knows the reason behind the longing to go back. Maybe because I missed so much of the late teen to early-20 years. Maybe I grew up too fast and now I want to go back. Maybe I am realizing what I missed and want it back. I know I can't have it back. There's nothing I can do to get it back.

So if one if these nights you happen to be driving down Bell street, don't be surprised if you see a pre-middle aged, overweight woman ...with a humiliated teenager crouched down in the front seat, a 6 year old in the back grinning from ear to ear because he loves to sing along with mom... windows rolled down, singing at the top of her lungs... Girls... they wanna have fun-un... oh girls just wanna have fun.

~jen