Randomness of Life

This post is just some random thoughts of life...

Life is in full swing in our household.

Prom has passed. (Whew, thank goodness that emotional roller coaster is behind me!) Cody was as handsome as ever (I know I am biased). There were many tears. As I helped him get dressed that evening, the tears were just rolling down my cheeks. And he just stood there. He didn't patronize me. He didn't make fun of me. He didn't roll his eyes. He just stood there and let me cry. And then he gave me a hug. It was an amazing, emotional, and heartfelt experience for me.

So here we are now, one week from finishing his junior year. His junior year, people. I am struggling with the fact that he will be a senior next year. Not next year... in 3 months. As I looked through his year book last night, I found myself looking through the senior baby ads and couldn't help but think, in a few short months, I'll be preparing his senior baby ad. We'll be applying for colleges. Starting to prepare for graduation. Time has flown by. I wish more than anything I could go back just for a day. Relive all those moments that passed so quickly. Holding him in my arms, rocking him to sleep, first words, first steps, sweet I love you's, and everything in between to today... to this moment of a 17 year old young man walking in the door from work, only to head back out for a quick round of golf with his Dad and Caden. As much as I am so excited to see him experience his senior year and prepare for his future, part of me just can't even imagine what life will be like after he graduates. To think that one day, he's going to be gone. Off on his own, living his own life. I am reminded that as a mother, I am preparing him to leave. I need someone to prepare me for that.

Thankfully, I've got several years before I have to think about Caden leaving me! :)

Caden is loving life right now. He's playing softball. We missed the sign up deadline for baseball. So, second option was softball. He's loving it. He's learning the ins and outs of the game. He's realizing that he loves to hit those home-runs! Just about every game he gets a couple of them! And in true Caden style... he's smiling the whole game! That's what brings me such joy. Not the home-runs, but to see his bright smile during the whole game. He loves sports and just like his brother... I think he's going to be an all-around athlete!

Caden's so excited that school is almost over and summer vacation is just days away. He can not wait to take full advantage of our golf club's brand new swimming pool. He's got a few camps to attend this summer and he's looking forward to playing in a few golf tournaments as well. Ahh... the life of an eight year old (soon to be nine year old!).

Life for me... well... I have been in a slump for about the last two months. Just down, feeling lost, struggling with life's insecurities, struggling in several aspects both emotionally and spiritually. I spent a good portion of yesterday thinking about "the end of the world" doomsday hooplah circulating through every aspect of the media. It really got me thinking though on a more spiritual level. What if yesterday was the end of the world. Would I be ready? That's a powerful question.

I always struggle with how to end these posts. So I think for now, especially because the last couple of sentences in the previous paragraph have now got me thinking deeply... I'll just say good night until next time. :)

~jen

Tears

Today has been one of the most difficult, emotional, and challenging days thus far into my nursing career.

I have been in tears for the majority of the day. They come in waves, from a single tear to an enormous crushing wave of tears and sorrow.

I wasn't a very professional nurse today for I cried numerous times. Sometimes while holding and comforting family members as they cried, or when loving and holding a precious soul.

I came across a poem this evening.

“When you’re a nurse, you know that every day you will touch a life

or a life will touch yours.” —Author Unknown

Today, I hope both happened.

I know that my life has forever been touched by a precious soul. I pray that I made a difference in his. I pray that he was comforted when needed. I pray he knows he is loved.

Tonight, I will hold both my own children just a little tighter and just a little longer than they would like. I will tell them how much I love them. I will say a prayer of thanksgiving to our Father for blessing me with two healthy children.

I will say a prayer for comfort and understanding for those who may be hurting.

I will hold on to today, and take it with me, so that I may become a better nurse tomorrow.

I will remind myself that it's ok to cry. For the one day I don't cry or feel an emotion, that's the one day I need to find a new career. Because that's not the kind of nurse that I want to be. That's not the kind of nurse I am.

That's not the kind of person I am.

~jen

Happy Birthday Cody

Last year I created a special 16th birthday post. The words written one year ago are still true today. So, for this year's post... I added more pictures to last year's post!

Click here:

Happy Birthday, Cody.

~jen

Mom vs Working Mom

There is an inner battle brewing. Mom vs Working Mom. I don't know how to make the two personas work together. I dislike working so much at this very moment. This week I'm facing a 59 hour work-week starting tomorrow through next Friday (6 days straight). (And don't anyone comment about the overtime pay... because I could care less about the money. Because at the end of the day, money doesn't replace missed time with either of my kids.)

Cody just told me he's going to the Borger Tourney next Friday. I am so excited for him. But Mom will miss that tournament because Working Mom has to work. I know thousands of moms and dads work. And thousands of moms and dads miss their kid's activities. And I know that there are several thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of individuals desperately searching for employment and here I am complaining about working. I know. I know. I should just stop complaining and get over it.

Ugh.

But that's the thing... I don't know how to get over it. I have to work. Therefore, I have to miss some of my kids activities.

If you are a mom/dad that gets to stay at home, work your Working Mom/Dad schedule around your kid's schedule, or are lucky enough to have a work schedule that follows the school schedule... know how blessed you are.

I'm finished with my pity-party.

~jen

Cadenism

Not a day goes by that this precious little one doesn't make me laugh or at least question my sanity. He is growing up so quickly. With that growth comes achieving developmental milestones. He's right where he should be for his age. His latest developmental milestone deals more with his own inner conscious. He's discovered lying. Last night at dinner at Hoffbrau, Caden was caught in a flat out lie. The look on his face one he realized he had been busted was priceless.

His lie: his reading assignment from Monday evening. He decided to play Michael and I against one another and told each of us that he read to the other parent. Pretty smart. The only problem was when I asked Michael if he remembered to fill out Caden's reading assignment daily log that morning. The tangled lie fell apart at that moment. With a few more comments between Michael and I... "no, I thought you did since Caden read to you... Caden didn't read to me, he said he read to you..." we quickly discovered that our witty 8 year old had played us both.

Thank goodness this conversation took place at the end of our meal and as we were leaving the restaurant.

The car ride home was filled with many "I'm sorry's" and "I'll never lie again's" for Caden knew a punishment was imminent.

His punishment needed to be stern for unfortunately this is not Caden's first lie. He seems to dislike brushing his teeth and has been caught with a dry toothbrush a few times after telling us he brushed his teeth. He had been warned. He had been lectured. He had been reminded that the bible teaches us that we are not to lie.

He received a swift single spanking and was grounded from all electronics. One would have thought that the spanking would have been worse... but losing all electronic devices sent this little one into a frenzy. So much so that he decided to inflict a little self-punishment. No electronic devices, soon turned to him huffing that maybe he shouldn't be allowed to even have access to the lights, because after all they are powered by electricity. He then decided to kick it up a notch. He should just have to do without water as well. This of course was shortly after he was told to go take a shower. After a few minutes of pouting, and a little ranting, I found a semi-naked Caden sitting in a dark bathroom.

Little to his liking, he was quickly assisted to the shower with threats of losing more important things... like golf. There was the magic word. Golf. Note to self: start with taking away golf.

That shower seemed to do him some good. He came out into the living room a brand new 8 year old little boy. A little while later while we were laying in my bed talking, he gave me the sweetest, most sincere "I'm sorry" that I have ever heard. And a promise to never lie again.

While I know that last statement may not hold true... I think Caden learned a valuable lesson last night.

He still is one of the sweetest little 8 year olds I know. He still makes me laugh and smile each and every day. Parenting is a journey. Some days are better than others. I love these Cadenisms. I love this little boy.

~jen

Priceless Memories

So we took a little road trip a few weeks ago. A little road trip. 2,750 miles round trip to be exact. 22 hours each way. A nonstop road trip other than to fill up on gas, grab a bite to eat, or take a bathroom break. Insanity at it's best.

But, the memories my children (and their dad) (and lets face it... me) will hold onto forever, are priceless.

The Steelers are going to the Super Bowl!

What is Normal?

For the last couple of weeks I've been anxiously awaiting the start of the new year. The holidays are always hectic. No matter how hard I try to keep everything organized and planned, it never happens the way I want it to. There were so many things that I didn't get done. We didn't have a kids' Christmas party for the nieces, nephews, and close friends; we didn't decorate cookies; I didn't get treats up to Caden's school for the support staff; we didn't make our gingerbread village (in fact, I've hidden it... out of sight, out of mind); we didn't go on an official tour of Christmas lights (it was more like... look Caden, there's some lights... as we drove home from wherever we had been.); and the list goes on. The week of Christmas was a disaster... my grandfather had some health issues, my parents were not able to come here, I had to call out Scottco on Christmas Eve morning to clear an overflowing laundry drain, I had to work Christmas Eve, Michael and I argued, our plans for Christmas day didn't quite work out like we planned, I ran my car into a utility pole, and Cody started feeling bad. Good grief. Needless to say, I was looking for a fresh start with the new year.

Well, here it is into the new year and things are not much better. Cody is sick with Mono. While I know it's just Mono, he's still sick. He still feels miserable. He has about a 2 hour window when he feels somewhat "better" but then after those 2 hours, he crashes. He's still my child, and I'm still his mom and I can't make this better. So while it's just Mono, and not some horrible disease that he'll have to live with forever or have surgery to repair, it's still something else that he has to go through, it's still something that I have to watch him go through. It's another spring semester set-back. This is the THIRD year in a row where he has missed part of his spring semester. (Freshman year- appendectomy and a small bowel obstruction, 2 surgeries; Sophomore year- dislocated patella and torn MCL.) This is one of his hardest academic years. He's taking Pre-AP Physics and AP History (college credit class). He can't afford to get behind in these classes, in any class for that matter.

Last night I mentioned to my dad that I was so looking forward to the start of the new year, to a new beginning, to get back to normal. Then I said... "whatever normal is". So, what is normal? After every little set-back during the week of Christmas, my dad would remind me of a phrase from a country song, he'd say... sounds like life to me. While I got a little fed up with life, he was right. It was just life. There's nothing normal to life. Living life is normal. Going through trials and struggles is normal. Running my car into a four foot utility pole that's been in the same location of our driveway since we purchased our house is normal. (Michael had to remind me that the pole in our driveway has always been there, it had not moved or just been placed there.) Let's face it, running my car into a utility pole isn't "normal" but it is life.

Stuff happens.

Defecation happens (to put it nicely).

Life happens.

This is my journey through life.

~jen

Resolutions of 2011

Drum roll please....

Here are my highly anticipated 2011 Resolutions (in no particular order):

10. Forgive and forget.
It's time to forgive and forget (to some level) events, mistakes, mishaps, and disappointments of yesterday and even yesteryear. It's time to forgive others and myself. It's time to live with no regrets.

9. Less Facebook, more bible study and prayer.
Sorry, Mark Zuckerberg... I love Facebook and the connections I've made with long lost friends... but it's time for a self-induced intervention. When I'm spending more time updating my status and reading my friend's posts than I am in prayer or time spent reading and studying the bible... my priorities are out of whack.

8. Family dinner.
We've gotten very relaxed in our home eating in the living room, bedrooms, and den. We grab our plates and off we scatter. I'm just as guilty as anyone in my home. I'm making a resolution that family dinner returns to our dining table at least 4 times a week.

7. Get healthy, get fit.
This makes the list year after year. But here I am... the heaviest I've ever been. So obviously this wasn't a resolution from years past that I kept very well. I've already scheduled my work-outs for next week. They are in my day planner. They are on my calendar on the fridge. I would like to say my goal is to weigh what I weighed when I graduated high school, but it's not necessarily about a number anymore. I want to be healthy. I want to be in shape... not necessarily "athletic", but in good shape. I want more than anything to feel comfortable in my own body. A few weeks ago I was out searching for the "perfect" outfit for a Christmas party. I went from store to store in desperation trying to find this perfect outfit. I broke down in tears... sobbing... in the Kohl's dressing room. Disgusted with my reflection. Honest confession here... I do not have full length mirrors in my home. I refuse to look at my reflection anywhere but from about my shoulders up. Refuse. Staring at my reflection in that Kohl's dressing room was a wake up call. I will never again break down sobbing in a dressing room. It's time to make a change.

6. Gulf Coast.
The kids and I want to travel to the Gulf Coast just once. I'd love nothing more than to dip my toes into the ocean (or in this case... the Gulf of Mexico!). I'd love nothing more than to see my kids dip their toes into the ocean! I'm hopeful that Michael will want to come along... but he tends to want to avoid all bodies of water! And that's ok. I learned a few years ago that it's perfectly fine for me to take the kids and go. And... we do! The boys love my singing in the car on roadtrips! :)

5. Me time.
It's time to make a commitment to myself. To schedule that time away from Michael and the kids. Whether it's a pedicure, a quick tan at the pool, a quiet moment sipping coffee, or a walk around the park. I have to take some time for myself.

4. Volunteer more.
This Christmas season I made a decision to volunteer with the Eveline Rivers Christmas Project. It has forever touched my heart and stirred a desire to do more. I am excited to find organizations to volunteer my time to this next year.

3. Church involvement.
It's time to get more involved in our church. It's time to step out of my comfort zone (out of my designated church pew) and meet new people, find a class to join, attend a ladies bible study.

2. Fore!!!
It's time I learn how to play golf. It's time to take the leap... pick up a club and smack the living daylight out of a little white golf ball. Who knows... it could be a great stress reliever! (By the way... this could be the hardest resolution to keep!)

1. Treasure every moment.
My children are my biggest blessings. I already treasure every moment I have with them. But coming into this new year... I am realizing that they are growing up. They are spreading their wings. And in just a few short months... Cody will be a Senior. A Senior. Time has flown by. I don't want to become so focused on the "countdown to graduation", but to just focus on the blessing of each and every day leading to that point and beyond.

My aunt Luann posted this on Facebook earlier:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29: 11.

Could there be a more perfect verse as we start another new year? I pray that each of us will feel the peace of the Lord and His plans for us for this next year and until the end.

Happy New Year, everyone. Peace and happiness to you all.

Love,
~jen

End of the year reflections...

Every year around this time I always end up saying "where did this year go?". So here it is... where did this year go? It is amazing how quickly time passes. Or at least it seems to. When you think about it... this year didn't pass by any more quickly than any other year. There are still 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year. But here it is... the middle of December. Another year is coming to an end. And before those pesky New Year Resolutions can be finalized, it's time to reflect on this past year.

There were some hard decisions made this year. Michael left his job of 13 1/2 years at Southwest Honda. He took a leap of faith and it's been one of the best decisions he has ever made. He's happy. He's less stressed. He enjoys his job at Ryan O'Neal Autos and the amazing group of guys he works with. So, to Ryan... I send you a great big thank you.

Cody also made some tough decisions this year. He struggled for about 4 months before coming to the decision to drop basketball and focus solely on golf during this school year. It wasn't a decision he took lightly. In fact, for only being 16, it was probably the hardest decision he has ever had to make. He's still struggling at times. He loves the game of basketball as much as he loves the game of golf. But, hopefully as time goes on... he'll better accept the decision that he made and will live with no regrets.

There were several happy moments this past year. Our oldest "baby" turned 16. I still can't believe that he's 16. I continue to pray each day as he leaves our home that he will return safely. He has loved this new-found freedom of driving. His little brother thinks it's pretty cool, too.

Caden graduated from speech therapy this year. It's been a long 5 1/2 years of therapy. I am so thankful to each and every therapist that helped Caden overcome his speech disabilities.

Both boys excelled in golf this year. It was an amazing tournament season for both boys! I am so excited to see them learn, grow, and become better golfers each summer! I know I complain about the expense of the country club, the equipment, the tournament entry fees, the lost golf balls... but all that goes away when I watch them play golf. They love it. To see them smile at the end of a perfect putt, or a perfect drive, or to accept their trophy or medal at the end of the tournament... it's all worth it.

Cody competed this summer in a grueling 3 day golf tournament in Wichita Falls. This was his first year competing in the Texas Oklahoma Junior Golf Tournament. He played well. Would have been even better had he actually turned in his score card after his last round of the tournament! Apparently, this was an oversight between him and his caddy (his dad). I'm hoping that he and his caddy learned a lesson and this won't happen again next summer! :)

Caden was able to participate in a few tournaments as well. He won 2 trophies this summer and he is so proud of them!

I couldn't be more proud of my boys! They continue to shine and I am so blessed to be right beside them as much as I can... cheering them on!

And as for me... well... I'm just taking each day as it comes. Nothing too exciting has happened. I'm still pressing on in trying to find that perfect job that allows me to balance being a mom and being a nurse. I'd prefer for the scale to lean more towards just being a mom. But... have I mentioned how expensive golf is? Goodness! So if I can keep the scale tilted just a bit more towards mom than nurse... all is good.

At the end of the day... at the end of the year... life is good. I am reminded daily how blessed we are to be healthy and happy. How blessed we are to have each other. How blessed we are to be a family. Life is good.

Now... bring on the New Year Resolutions.

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 30: I am thankful for everything in my life.

Day 29: I am thankful that Cody decided to attend our church's ski trip. I am so excited for him!

Day 28: I am thankful for this blog. What a great way to share stories, vent, and reflect upon.

Day 27: I am thankful for a nice warm bed to nap in.

Day 26: I am thankful for Black Friday ONLINE! This may be the new way to shop!

Day 25: I am thankful for Thanksgiving! It was a wonderful day filled with great food and family.

Day 24: I am thankful for days off.

Day 23: I am thankful for Cokes. Especially Cherry Cokes.

Day 22: I am thankful that either I don't have very many readers, or no one is calling me out on the fact that I didn't finish this during November. In fact, it's well into December and I'm just now finishing this!

Day 21: I am thankful for facebook and the reconnection it has given me to so many friends from long ago!

Day 20: I am thankful for girls night out last night!

Day 19: I am thankful that we are able to get car repairs at a reduced rate! (New brakes for Cody's car.)

Day 18: I am thankful for good friends, shopping, and great conversation!

Day 17: I am thankful for pay days! (And I'm not talking about the candy kind!)

Day 16: I am thankful for this blog. It's been a great place to vent and share what's going on in our lives.

Day 15: I am thankful for being raised in a home where I was loved and taken care of. Some of the things I have witnessed as a home health nurse over the last several days have caused me to have a serious reality check.

Day 14: I am thankful for the supper that my husband prepared since I worked 10 hours today!

Day 13: I am thankful for my grandparents. I love them so very much and am so thankful that I am blessed to have them in my life. (And not to mention my children are blessed to have 4 great-grandparents!)

Day 12: I am thankful for a warm house on this cold and snowy day. I know there are many who are homeless and many who can not afford to heat their homes. I am so very thankful that our needs are met each and every day.

Day 11: I am thankful for those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces. Thank you for all that you do.

Day 10: I am thankful for a husband who will leave the house in the middle of the night to go get me some Sprite because I have the stomach bug. He also gave me the bed all to myself. Now while I know he did that because he is just that generous... I also know that he wants to avoid the stomach bug and he would have slept on the couch for a week to avoid any chance of him catching my bug!

Day 9: I am thankful for the wonderful family that I was blessed with when I married Michael. I grew up in a small, immediate family of four (Dad, Mom, me and my brother). I never knew the craziness of having a big family until I married Michael! I love my crazy, fun, chaotic, amazing, and loving in-laws! :0)

Day 8: I am thankful that my children allow me to be a cheerleader mom. I am so thankful that they are so involved in athletics. I LOVE to watch them play! I LOVE to cheer for them in all that they do! I will always be their biggest fan!

Day 7: I am thankful that my husband has a job that he enjoys so much. The changes I have seen in him over the last several months are amazing. It's all because he enjoys what he is doing and where he is working!

Day 6: I am thankful for the trials and struggles. I know in the end, they will only make me stronger. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Day 5: I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for their unconditional love and support over the years. I am thankful that they raised me in a Christian home and that they have set a very good example for me to follow. I am so very thankful that I was blessed with my parents. Today is my birthday. Today I am honoring my parents. I love you Mom and Dad. Thank you for all that you do.

Day 4: I am thankful for my friends. Old ones, new ones, ones that I maybe see once a year, facebook friends, friends of my parents. You all are a blessing to me.

Day 3: I am thankful for the laughter my children bring me daily. And on a good day... several times during the day! This morning has already been filled with laughter with talk of No Shave November and chest hair, and even a tickle session between brothers. What better start to the day than with laughter. There is no greater joy than hearing my children laugh.

Day 2: I am thankful that I have a house. I often have to drive through downtown and have seen a number of homeless individuals. I often have to go to houses that are in need of serious repair. I am so thankful that I have a beautiful house filled with beautiful things. I'm most thankful for the individuals within my house that make my house a home.

Day 1: I am thankful for my beautiful children who I am blessed to call mine. I am so very thankful that they are healthy, happy children.

~jen

Seriously... Something's got to give

It's already been that kind of a Monday morning. Didn't sleep well last night. Tossed and turned. Mind raced of bills that were due, this weeks activities, what days I am on-call this week, a house that needs major attention, dogs that won't quit barking every night, unkind words I spoke to my husband earlier in the day, unhappiness at work, frustration that the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning rest mostly with me, feelings of depression sinking in. This is becoming a nightly occurrence. Can't seem to put these things on hold long enough so that I can get a decent nights sleep.

I've been in a funk lately. Mad and depressed at myself for letting my exercise routine stop. I seem to be eating everything in sight. I haven't stepped on the scale in weeks, mostly out of fear. I don't want to face the scale. My clothes are feeling a little snug. So all the hard work I started this summer has completely disappeared. In it's place... more weight.


Michael and I had a discussion the other night that has weighed heavily on my mind these past several days. There are some days that I feel that I give and give and give to the boys and to Michael until there is nothing left for me. Financially, physically, mentally... and at the end... I'm drained. I said I needed "me-time". I needed to be able to go buy something for myself. Take time for myself. Go to aerobics by myself. Do something special for myself. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish that I am tired of being financially drained by the extracurricular activities that mostly benefit the boys in my family? Am I just having a pity party for myself? I'd be lying if I said no. I know I am having a pity party for myself and I need to just get over it.

Something's got to give. Something at home, at work, financially has to give. Enough is enough.

I need an attitude adjustment.
~jen

End of Summer...

The end is near. One week of summer vacation is all that remains for our family. It's hard to believe that another school year is upon us. What's even harder to believe is that Cody will be a Junior and Caden will be in second grade. Time marches on, even though I continue to search for a way to slow it down.

Both boys have had a wonderful summer. Of course, it was filled with the boy's favorite summer activity... golf. They have played a lot of golf this summer. Michael and I have loved watching as many golf tournaments as we could. This has been the first summer that I wasn't able to arrange my work schedule around the kids golf tournaments and it was a little hard to miss so many tournaments. I am so blessed and thankful for all the tournaments I was able to watch, though!

Here's some highlights...

Texas Oklahoma Junior Golf Tournament

in Wichita Falls

Caden catching grasshoppers at Granny and Papa's

Gainesville Park

Turner Falls with Marie and Jaden

Birthday celebration at Granny and Papa's

AHS Team Camp at the University of Oklahoma

Fun Park at Norman, Oklahoma

Preston West Junior Golf Tournament

Ryan Palmer Foundation Junior Golf Clinic

NTPGA West Texas Area Championship

It's been a wonderful summer filled with many blessings and many memories to hold on to. While we didn't go anywhere exciting this summer, we had some of the most fun as a family that we have ever had!

Hope you all had a wonderful summer filled with many blessings and memories!

Now... bring on fall! ;)

~jen

Simple Reminders

Two days ago I received a call from a friend that the wife of a mutual friend of ours from high school was tragically killed in a car accident. Their two children were in the car with her, but were not seriously injured.

My heart has ached for this family for the last two days. I am sure it will for the next several days as I think about them as they prepare to bury their loved one and then accept the life that they now have to live without her. She was only 33 and leaves behind a 1 1/2 year old son and a 3 year old daughter, a loving husband, and countless other family members and friends.

I have not seen or spoken to this friend in 15 plus years. We were able to reconnect through facebook over the last several months and it has been wonderful to have that connection to him and so many other long lost friends from high school. I am saddened that so many friendships were simply let go over the years. Too busy to call, too busy to stay in touch. Life got in the way.

The news of this tragic accident has served as a simple yet powerful reminder that our life is precious. Spouses, children, parents, grandparents, siblings, family members, friendships... are precious. We are not guaranteed another day. I have taken too many days for granted. I've taken too many friendships for granted. I've taken too many family members for granted. There were days that I didn't speak kind words to my husband or children. It's too easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget that there is no promise of another day.

So, to those family members and friends who read this... I am thankful for each of you. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life. I will try to not take each day for granted. For we do not know what is planned for us. At any moment life can change in the blink of an eye.

~jen

The What If's

~I'm not quite sure where this post will lead. Just thinking outloud about some things that have been heavy on my heart for some time.~

A few years ago while driving down Western street, I passed Paramount Baptist Church and their marquee caught my attention. It read: "It's not too late to be the person who you might have been."

I immediately wrote it down on the back of a receipt I had found in my center console. When I got home, I added it to my Favorite Quotes, Scriptures, & Poems list on the sidebar of this blog.

I haven't forgotten that quote. In fact I see it every time I scroll through my blog.

I have a horrible habit of playing the "what if" game in my head. I've even tried to "what if" my way out of an argument a few times.

The biggest "what if" that goes through my mind is "what if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Cody". Now, let me preface this part of my post with... I love Cody more than anything and by me even throwing out the thought of "what if I had not gotten pregnant" is no way a regret in him in any way. I can not imagine my life without him. But, as much as I love him and as much as I can't imagine life without him, it doesn't stop me from having this particular "what if" thought.

I can't help but wonder who I might be today had those little pink lines on the pregnancy test been one line instead of two. Is it wrong to wonder? Am I doing more harm than good by even what if-ing this part of my life? Because in the end, it really doesn't matter. There were 2 pink lines staring me back in the face that day. All the reality and irresponsibility of my sin and disobedience was right there. The path of my life just took a turn down a road that wasn't planned.

Sometimes I wonder if this what-if question is to blame from lack of forgiving myself. I think I've been carrying this around with me for 16 years. Had I truly forgiven myself though the years, would this what-if question still linger as strongly? Would this particular what if question still bring me tears all these years later?

When I discovered an opening for a registered nurse for Worth the Wait 3 years ago, I knew this was the job for me. (Worth the Wait is a non-profit organization that promotes abstinence until marriage and encourages teenagers to avoid all high risk behaviors.) I had never felt such a strong desire to be apart of a program. I was elated when I was hired.

I remember telling the founder and the director at that time of WTW during my interview, how I felt this job would help heal me, how it would help allow me to forgive myself. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best thing to say during an interview.... "hire me because this job will help heal what's wrong with me". This was unlike any interview, though. There were tears... many tears. There was a comfortable and open feeling in this room of 3 women. 3 who wanted to change the world and decrease the number of teenage pregnancies in our area, and also one in that group who wanted to forgive what was broken inside her.

I miss working full time for WTW. It's been months since I last stepped into a high school classroom and taught. I loved telling my story at the end of the lesson to teenagers. Sometimes, I don't necessarily think my story is a success story... there are days and moments when I struggle and fail within my marriage. While I am being honest and open here... another what if question I struggle with is... what if we hadn't gotten pregnant... where would mine and Michael's life be today? (I'm going to end that thought here.)

Forgiveness is hard. I know it is commanded upon us that we are to forgive others. What about ourselves though? How do you forgive an action that completely changed your life forever?

Another favorite quote/saying I have is this:

Forgiveness

If I cannot forgive myself

For all the blunders

That I have made

Over the years,

Then how can I proceed?

How can I ever

Dream perfection-dreams?

Move, I must, forward.

Fly, I must, upward.

Dive, I must, inward,

To be once more

What I truly am

And shall forever remain.

-Sri Chinmoy

Through forgiveness, can I be "once more what I truly am"? I think this ties into my last post on depression and finding me.

This is a journey of my life. Thinking outloud as I go.

~jen

Intervention

I love watching A&E's Intervention. While I don't struggle with any drug or alcohol addiction, I am in need of an intervention.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.

I know they say you can’t go home again

I just had to come back one last time

Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam

But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom

Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar

I bet you didn’t know under that live oak

My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone elseI thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years

From Better Homes and Gardens magazine

Plans were drawn and concrete poured

Nail by nail and board by board

Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can

I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

I've thought about the houses that have built me. There are several. The very first home my parent's called "home". Our home in Hobbs. The house on Summit. My grandparent's homes in Electra. Southwest Church of Christ. A two-bedroom apartment. A duplex in Canyon. 3 bedroom rent house in Ridgecrest. A home of our own.

I've wondered at what point the carefree, happy me became who I am today. No one particular moment is to blame for the depression. It just happened. "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am".

I need to find myself. I need to find my happiness. I need an intervention. So, I am creating a self-induced intervention. Starting with this very public blog. I titled this blog, "Thinking Outloud" and that's what I am doing. I'm sharing my story. I'm openly confessing... I am depressed. Maybe by putting it out here in the open, someone else who struggles with depression will realize that they are not alone.

This old world can be hard at times. Struggling with marriage and children can be hard. Forgetting who you once were and trying to find that person can be hard. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and you lose your way. I'm trying to find my way again. I'm trying to find me.

~jen

Adjusting

A week of having a 16 year old has come and gone. He's still 16. As much as I've wished for the years to be rewound, it hasn't happened. He's still 16, and I'm still 29 (give or take a few years).

Who knew that raising children could be this hard. Recently, a friend told me that as a mom I am preparing my children to leave me, to be independent of me. Independent of me. I'm not ready to be independent of them. How can I let them be independent of me when I want to hang on as tightly as I can.

I feel as though there is this giant count down clock ticking down the days that I have left with Cody. Tick, another day is gone. We are one more day closer to graduation. One more day until he leaves home for college. One more day.

Before long, I'll be having the same feelings for Caden. I can't even envision my life without my children. Without the next basketball tournament, or golf tournament, or soccer game, or PTA meeting, or fundraisers, or athletic banquets.

This week has been one of the hardest parenting moments this far in the whole scheme of parenting. Watching Cody's car pull away from our street hasn't gotten any easier.

I don't know how to adjust. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how, but I know I have to.

~jen

Happy Birthday, Cody

Before you were conceived, I wanted you

Before you were born, I loved you

Before you were here an hour, I would die for you

This is the miracle of love.

-Maureen Hawkins

Happy Birthday, Cody. You are such a blessing to me. I thank God each and every day for you. I am so proud of who you are becoming. As hard as it is for me to let go, you are spreading your wings and soaring high. Continue to shine brightly, you are going to do great and amazing things for God has his hand on you. I love you, ~mom