A few years ago while driving down Western street, I passed Paramount Baptist Church and their marquee caught my attention. It read: "It's not too late to be the person who you might have been."
I immediately wrote it down on the back of a receipt I had found in my center console. When I got home, I added it to my Favorite Quotes, Scriptures, & Poems list on the sidebar of this blog.
I haven't forgotten that quote. In fact I see it every time I scroll through my blog.
I have a horrible habit of playing the "what if" game in my head. I've even tried to "what if" my way out of an argument a few times.
The biggest "what if" that goes through my mind is "what if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Cody". Now, let me preface this part of my post with... I love Cody more than anything and by me even throwing out the thought of "what if I had not gotten pregnant" is no way a regret in him in any way. I can not imagine my life without him. But, as much as I love him and as much as I can't imagine life without him, it doesn't stop me from having this particular "what if" thought.
I can't help but wonder who I might be today had those little pink lines on the pregnancy test been one line instead of two. Is it wrong to wonder? Am I doing more harm than good by even what if-ing this part of my life? Because in the end, it really doesn't matter. There were 2 pink lines staring me back in the face that day. All the reality and irresponsibility of my sin and disobedience was right there. The path of my life just took a turn down a road that wasn't planned.
Sometimes I wonder if this what-if question is to blame from lack of forgiving myself. I think I've been carrying this around with me for 16 years. Had I truly forgiven myself though the years, would this what-if question still linger as strongly? Would this particular what if question still bring me tears all these years later?
When I discovered an opening for a registered nurse for Worth the Wait 3 years ago, I knew this was the job for me. (Worth the Wait is a non-profit organization that promotes abstinence until marriage and encourages teenagers to avoid all high risk behaviors.) I had never felt such a strong desire to be apart of a program. I was elated when I was hired.
I remember telling the founder and the director at that time of WTW during my interview, how I felt this job would help heal me, how it would help allow me to forgive myself. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best thing to say during an interview.... "hire me because this job will help heal what's wrong with me". This was unlike any interview, though. There were tears... many tears. There was a comfortable and open feeling in this room of 3 women. 3 who wanted to change the world and decrease the number of teenage pregnancies in our area, and also one in that group who wanted to forgive what was broken inside her.
I miss working full time for WTW. It's been months since I last stepped into a high school classroom and taught. I loved telling my story at the end of the lesson to teenagers. Sometimes, I don't necessarily think my story is a success story... there are days and moments when I struggle and fail within my marriage. While I am being honest and open here... another what if question I struggle with is... what if we hadn't gotten pregnant... where would mine and Michael's life be today? (I'm going to end that thought here.)
Forgiveness is hard. I know it is commanded upon us that we are to forgive others. What about ourselves though? How do you forgive an action that completely changed your life forever?
Another favorite quote/saying I have is this:
Forgiveness
If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.
-Sri Chinmoy
Through forgiveness, can I be "once more what I truly am"? I think this ties into my last post on depression and finding me.
This is a journey of my life. Thinking outloud as I go.
~jen
1 comment:
What If's-- aren't they a strange thing? Demons living on our emotions. And forgiveness is more so. I always find it unique that forgiving ourselves is the hardest. Most people think our job is to give forgiveness to others--not ourselves. We need it the most at times. Most times we don't think we are worthy. My opinion is ...What If's come from the devil and Forgiveness is a gift from God. We are all worthy of Forgiveness and to hell with the What if's.
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