What is Normal?

For the last couple of weeks I've been anxiously awaiting the start of the new year. The holidays are always hectic. No matter how hard I try to keep everything organized and planned, it never happens the way I want it to. There were so many things that I didn't get done. We didn't have a kids' Christmas party for the nieces, nephews, and close friends; we didn't decorate cookies; I didn't get treats up to Caden's school for the support staff; we didn't make our gingerbread village (in fact, I've hidden it... out of sight, out of mind); we didn't go on an official tour of Christmas lights (it was more like... look Caden, there's some lights... as we drove home from wherever we had been.); and the list goes on. The week of Christmas was a disaster... my grandfather had some health issues, my parents were not able to come here, I had to call out Scottco on Christmas Eve morning to clear an overflowing laundry drain, I had to work Christmas Eve, Michael and I argued, our plans for Christmas day didn't quite work out like we planned, I ran my car into a utility pole, and Cody started feeling bad. Good grief. Needless to say, I was looking for a fresh start with the new year.

Well, here it is into the new year and things are not much better. Cody is sick with Mono. While I know it's just Mono, he's still sick. He still feels miserable. He has about a 2 hour window when he feels somewhat "better" but then after those 2 hours, he crashes. He's still my child, and I'm still his mom and I can't make this better. So while it's just Mono, and not some horrible disease that he'll have to live with forever or have surgery to repair, it's still something else that he has to go through, it's still something that I have to watch him go through. It's another spring semester set-back. This is the THIRD year in a row where he has missed part of his spring semester. (Freshman year- appendectomy and a small bowel obstruction, 2 surgeries; Sophomore year- dislocated patella and torn MCL.) This is one of his hardest academic years. He's taking Pre-AP Physics and AP History (college credit class). He can't afford to get behind in these classes, in any class for that matter.

Last night I mentioned to my dad that I was so looking forward to the start of the new year, to a new beginning, to get back to normal. Then I said... "whatever normal is". So, what is normal? After every little set-back during the week of Christmas, my dad would remind me of a phrase from a country song, he'd say... sounds like life to me. While I got a little fed up with life, he was right. It was just life. There's nothing normal to life. Living life is normal. Going through trials and struggles is normal. Running my car into a four foot utility pole that's been in the same location of our driveway since we purchased our house is normal. (Michael had to remind me that the pole in our driveway has always been there, it had not moved or just been placed there.) Let's face it, running my car into a utility pole isn't "normal" but it is life.

Stuff happens.

Defecation happens (to put it nicely).

Life happens.

This is my journey through life.

~jen

Resolutions of 2011

Drum roll please....

Here are my highly anticipated 2011 Resolutions (in no particular order):

10. Forgive and forget.
It's time to forgive and forget (to some level) events, mistakes, mishaps, and disappointments of yesterday and even yesteryear. It's time to forgive others and myself. It's time to live with no regrets.

9. Less Facebook, more bible study and prayer.
Sorry, Mark Zuckerberg... I love Facebook and the connections I've made with long lost friends... but it's time for a self-induced intervention. When I'm spending more time updating my status and reading my friend's posts than I am in prayer or time spent reading and studying the bible... my priorities are out of whack.

8. Family dinner.
We've gotten very relaxed in our home eating in the living room, bedrooms, and den. We grab our plates and off we scatter. I'm just as guilty as anyone in my home. I'm making a resolution that family dinner returns to our dining table at least 4 times a week.

7. Get healthy, get fit.
This makes the list year after year. But here I am... the heaviest I've ever been. So obviously this wasn't a resolution from years past that I kept very well. I've already scheduled my work-outs for next week. They are in my day planner. They are on my calendar on the fridge. I would like to say my goal is to weigh what I weighed when I graduated high school, but it's not necessarily about a number anymore. I want to be healthy. I want to be in shape... not necessarily "athletic", but in good shape. I want more than anything to feel comfortable in my own body. A few weeks ago I was out searching for the "perfect" outfit for a Christmas party. I went from store to store in desperation trying to find this perfect outfit. I broke down in tears... sobbing... in the Kohl's dressing room. Disgusted with my reflection. Honest confession here... I do not have full length mirrors in my home. I refuse to look at my reflection anywhere but from about my shoulders up. Refuse. Staring at my reflection in that Kohl's dressing room was a wake up call. I will never again break down sobbing in a dressing room. It's time to make a change.

6. Gulf Coast.
The kids and I want to travel to the Gulf Coast just once. I'd love nothing more than to dip my toes into the ocean (or in this case... the Gulf of Mexico!). I'd love nothing more than to see my kids dip their toes into the ocean! I'm hopeful that Michael will want to come along... but he tends to want to avoid all bodies of water! And that's ok. I learned a few years ago that it's perfectly fine for me to take the kids and go. And... we do! The boys love my singing in the car on roadtrips! :)

5. Me time.
It's time to make a commitment to myself. To schedule that time away from Michael and the kids. Whether it's a pedicure, a quick tan at the pool, a quiet moment sipping coffee, or a walk around the park. I have to take some time for myself.

4. Volunteer more.
This Christmas season I made a decision to volunteer with the Eveline Rivers Christmas Project. It has forever touched my heart and stirred a desire to do more. I am excited to find organizations to volunteer my time to this next year.

3. Church involvement.
It's time to get more involved in our church. It's time to step out of my comfort zone (out of my designated church pew) and meet new people, find a class to join, attend a ladies bible study.

2. Fore!!!
It's time I learn how to play golf. It's time to take the leap... pick up a club and smack the living daylight out of a little white golf ball. Who knows... it could be a great stress reliever! (By the way... this could be the hardest resolution to keep!)

1. Treasure every moment.
My children are my biggest blessings. I already treasure every moment I have with them. But coming into this new year... I am realizing that they are growing up. They are spreading their wings. And in just a few short months... Cody will be a Senior. A Senior. Time has flown by. I don't want to become so focused on the "countdown to graduation", but to just focus on the blessing of each and every day leading to that point and beyond.

My aunt Luann posted this on Facebook earlier:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29: 11.

Could there be a more perfect verse as we start another new year? I pray that each of us will feel the peace of the Lord and His plans for us for this next year and until the end.

Happy New Year, everyone. Peace and happiness to you all.

Love,
~jen

End of the year reflections...

Every year around this time I always end up saying "where did this year go?". So here it is... where did this year go? It is amazing how quickly time passes. Or at least it seems to. When you think about it... this year didn't pass by any more quickly than any other year. There are still 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year. But here it is... the middle of December. Another year is coming to an end. And before those pesky New Year Resolutions can be finalized, it's time to reflect on this past year.

There were some hard decisions made this year. Michael left his job of 13 1/2 years at Southwest Honda. He took a leap of faith and it's been one of the best decisions he has ever made. He's happy. He's less stressed. He enjoys his job at Ryan O'Neal Autos and the amazing group of guys he works with. So, to Ryan... I send you a great big thank you.

Cody also made some tough decisions this year. He struggled for about 4 months before coming to the decision to drop basketball and focus solely on golf during this school year. It wasn't a decision he took lightly. In fact, for only being 16, it was probably the hardest decision he has ever had to make. He's still struggling at times. He loves the game of basketball as much as he loves the game of golf. But, hopefully as time goes on... he'll better accept the decision that he made and will live with no regrets.

There were several happy moments this past year. Our oldest "baby" turned 16. I still can't believe that he's 16. I continue to pray each day as he leaves our home that he will return safely. He has loved this new-found freedom of driving. His little brother thinks it's pretty cool, too.

Caden graduated from speech therapy this year. It's been a long 5 1/2 years of therapy. I am so thankful to each and every therapist that helped Caden overcome his speech disabilities.

Both boys excelled in golf this year. It was an amazing tournament season for both boys! I am so excited to see them learn, grow, and become better golfers each summer! I know I complain about the expense of the country club, the equipment, the tournament entry fees, the lost golf balls... but all that goes away when I watch them play golf. They love it. To see them smile at the end of a perfect putt, or a perfect drive, or to accept their trophy or medal at the end of the tournament... it's all worth it.

Cody competed this summer in a grueling 3 day golf tournament in Wichita Falls. This was his first year competing in the Texas Oklahoma Junior Golf Tournament. He played well. Would have been even better had he actually turned in his score card after his last round of the tournament! Apparently, this was an oversight between him and his caddy (his dad). I'm hoping that he and his caddy learned a lesson and this won't happen again next summer! :)

Caden was able to participate in a few tournaments as well. He won 2 trophies this summer and he is so proud of them!

I couldn't be more proud of my boys! They continue to shine and I am so blessed to be right beside them as much as I can... cheering them on!

And as for me... well... I'm just taking each day as it comes. Nothing too exciting has happened. I'm still pressing on in trying to find that perfect job that allows me to balance being a mom and being a nurse. I'd prefer for the scale to lean more towards just being a mom. But... have I mentioned how expensive golf is? Goodness! So if I can keep the scale tilted just a bit more towards mom than nurse... all is good.

At the end of the day... at the end of the year... life is good. I am reminded daily how blessed we are to be healthy and happy. How blessed we are to have each other. How blessed we are to be a family. Life is good.

Now... bring on the New Year Resolutions.

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day 30: I am thankful for everything in my life.

Day 29: I am thankful that Cody decided to attend our church's ski trip. I am so excited for him!

Day 28: I am thankful for this blog. What a great way to share stories, vent, and reflect upon.

Day 27: I am thankful for a nice warm bed to nap in.

Day 26: I am thankful for Black Friday ONLINE! This may be the new way to shop!

Day 25: I am thankful for Thanksgiving! It was a wonderful day filled with great food and family.

Day 24: I am thankful for days off.

Day 23: I am thankful for Cokes. Especially Cherry Cokes.

Day 22: I am thankful that either I don't have very many readers, or no one is calling me out on the fact that I didn't finish this during November. In fact, it's well into December and I'm just now finishing this!

Day 21: I am thankful for facebook and the reconnection it has given me to so many friends from long ago!

Day 20: I am thankful for girls night out last night!

Day 19: I am thankful that we are able to get car repairs at a reduced rate! (New brakes for Cody's car.)

Day 18: I am thankful for good friends, shopping, and great conversation!

Day 17: I am thankful for pay days! (And I'm not talking about the candy kind!)

Day 16: I am thankful for this blog. It's been a great place to vent and share what's going on in our lives.

Day 15: I am thankful for being raised in a home where I was loved and taken care of. Some of the things I have witnessed as a home health nurse over the last several days have caused me to have a serious reality check.

Day 14: I am thankful for the supper that my husband prepared since I worked 10 hours today!

Day 13: I am thankful for my grandparents. I love them so very much and am so thankful that I am blessed to have them in my life. (And not to mention my children are blessed to have 4 great-grandparents!)

Day 12: I am thankful for a warm house on this cold and snowy day. I know there are many who are homeless and many who can not afford to heat their homes. I am so very thankful that our needs are met each and every day.

Day 11: I am thankful for those who have served or are currently serving in our armed forces. Thank you for all that you do.

Day 10: I am thankful for a husband who will leave the house in the middle of the night to go get me some Sprite because I have the stomach bug. He also gave me the bed all to myself. Now while I know he did that because he is just that generous... I also know that he wants to avoid the stomach bug and he would have slept on the couch for a week to avoid any chance of him catching my bug!

Day 9: I am thankful for the wonderful family that I was blessed with when I married Michael. I grew up in a small, immediate family of four (Dad, Mom, me and my brother). I never knew the craziness of having a big family until I married Michael! I love my crazy, fun, chaotic, amazing, and loving in-laws! :0)

Day 8: I am thankful that my children allow me to be a cheerleader mom. I am so thankful that they are so involved in athletics. I LOVE to watch them play! I LOVE to cheer for them in all that they do! I will always be their biggest fan!

Day 7: I am thankful that my husband has a job that he enjoys so much. The changes I have seen in him over the last several months are amazing. It's all because he enjoys what he is doing and where he is working!

Day 6: I am thankful for the trials and struggles. I know in the end, they will only make me stronger. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

Day 5: I am thankful for my parents. I am thankful for their unconditional love and support over the years. I am thankful that they raised me in a Christian home and that they have set a very good example for me to follow. I am so very thankful that I was blessed with my parents. Today is my birthday. Today I am honoring my parents. I love you Mom and Dad. Thank you for all that you do.

Day 4: I am thankful for my friends. Old ones, new ones, ones that I maybe see once a year, facebook friends, friends of my parents. You all are a blessing to me.

Day 3: I am thankful for the laughter my children bring me daily. And on a good day... several times during the day! This morning has already been filled with laughter with talk of No Shave November and chest hair, and even a tickle session between brothers. What better start to the day than with laughter. There is no greater joy than hearing my children laugh.

Day 2: I am thankful that I have a house. I often have to drive through downtown and have seen a number of homeless individuals. I often have to go to houses that are in need of serious repair. I am so thankful that I have a beautiful house filled with beautiful things. I'm most thankful for the individuals within my house that make my house a home.

Day 1: I am thankful for my beautiful children who I am blessed to call mine. I am so very thankful that they are healthy, happy children.

~jen

Seriously... Something's got to give

It's already been that kind of a Monday morning. Didn't sleep well last night. Tossed and turned. Mind raced of bills that were due, this weeks activities, what days I am on-call this week, a house that needs major attention, dogs that won't quit barking every night, unkind words I spoke to my husband earlier in the day, unhappiness at work, frustration that the responsibilities of cooking and cleaning rest mostly with me, feelings of depression sinking in. This is becoming a nightly occurrence. Can't seem to put these things on hold long enough so that I can get a decent nights sleep.

I've been in a funk lately. Mad and depressed at myself for letting my exercise routine stop. I seem to be eating everything in sight. I haven't stepped on the scale in weeks, mostly out of fear. I don't want to face the scale. My clothes are feeling a little snug. So all the hard work I started this summer has completely disappeared. In it's place... more weight.


Michael and I had a discussion the other night that has weighed heavily on my mind these past several days. There are some days that I feel that I give and give and give to the boys and to Michael until there is nothing left for me. Financially, physically, mentally... and at the end... I'm drained. I said I needed "me-time". I needed to be able to go buy something for myself. Take time for myself. Go to aerobics by myself. Do something special for myself. Is that wrong? Am I being selfish that I am tired of being financially drained by the extracurricular activities that mostly benefit the boys in my family? Am I just having a pity party for myself? I'd be lying if I said no. I know I am having a pity party for myself and I need to just get over it.

Something's got to give. Something at home, at work, financially has to give. Enough is enough.

I need an attitude adjustment.
~jen

End of Summer...

The end is near. One week of summer vacation is all that remains for our family. It's hard to believe that another school year is upon us. What's even harder to believe is that Cody will be a Junior and Caden will be in second grade. Time marches on, even though I continue to search for a way to slow it down.

Both boys have had a wonderful summer. Of course, it was filled with the boy's favorite summer activity... golf. They have played a lot of golf this summer. Michael and I have loved watching as many golf tournaments as we could. This has been the first summer that I wasn't able to arrange my work schedule around the kids golf tournaments and it was a little hard to miss so many tournaments. I am so blessed and thankful for all the tournaments I was able to watch, though!

Here's some highlights...

Texas Oklahoma Junior Golf Tournament

in Wichita Falls

Caden catching grasshoppers at Granny and Papa's

Gainesville Park

Turner Falls with Marie and Jaden

Birthday celebration at Granny and Papa's

AHS Team Camp at the University of Oklahoma

Fun Park at Norman, Oklahoma

Preston West Junior Golf Tournament

Ryan Palmer Foundation Junior Golf Clinic

NTPGA West Texas Area Championship

It's been a wonderful summer filled with many blessings and many memories to hold on to. While we didn't go anywhere exciting this summer, we had some of the most fun as a family that we have ever had!

Hope you all had a wonderful summer filled with many blessings and memories!

Now... bring on fall! ;)

~jen

Simple Reminders

Two days ago I received a call from a friend that the wife of a mutual friend of ours from high school was tragically killed in a car accident. Their two children were in the car with her, but were not seriously injured.

My heart has ached for this family for the last two days. I am sure it will for the next several days as I think about them as they prepare to bury their loved one and then accept the life that they now have to live without her. She was only 33 and leaves behind a 1 1/2 year old son and a 3 year old daughter, a loving husband, and countless other family members and friends.

I have not seen or spoken to this friend in 15 plus years. We were able to reconnect through facebook over the last several months and it has been wonderful to have that connection to him and so many other long lost friends from high school. I am saddened that so many friendships were simply let go over the years. Too busy to call, too busy to stay in touch. Life got in the way.

The news of this tragic accident has served as a simple yet powerful reminder that our life is precious. Spouses, children, parents, grandparents, siblings, family members, friendships... are precious. We are not guaranteed another day. I have taken too many days for granted. I've taken too many friendships for granted. I've taken too many family members for granted. There were days that I didn't speak kind words to my husband or children. It's too easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget that there is no promise of another day.

So, to those family members and friends who read this... I am thankful for each of you. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life. I will try to not take each day for granted. For we do not know what is planned for us. At any moment life can change in the blink of an eye.

~jen

The What If's

~I'm not quite sure where this post will lead. Just thinking outloud about some things that have been heavy on my heart for some time.~

A few years ago while driving down Western street, I passed Paramount Baptist Church and their marquee caught my attention. It read: "It's not too late to be the person who you might have been."

I immediately wrote it down on the back of a receipt I had found in my center console. When I got home, I added it to my Favorite Quotes, Scriptures, & Poems list on the sidebar of this blog.

I haven't forgotten that quote. In fact I see it every time I scroll through my blog.

I have a horrible habit of playing the "what if" game in my head. I've even tried to "what if" my way out of an argument a few times.

The biggest "what if" that goes through my mind is "what if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Cody". Now, let me preface this part of my post with... I love Cody more than anything and by me even throwing out the thought of "what if I had not gotten pregnant" is no way a regret in him in any way. I can not imagine my life without him. But, as much as I love him and as much as I can't imagine life without him, it doesn't stop me from having this particular "what if" thought.

I can't help but wonder who I might be today had those little pink lines on the pregnancy test been one line instead of two. Is it wrong to wonder? Am I doing more harm than good by even what if-ing this part of my life? Because in the end, it really doesn't matter. There were 2 pink lines staring me back in the face that day. All the reality and irresponsibility of my sin and disobedience was right there. The path of my life just took a turn down a road that wasn't planned.

Sometimes I wonder if this what-if question is to blame from lack of forgiving myself. I think I've been carrying this around with me for 16 years. Had I truly forgiven myself though the years, would this what-if question still linger as strongly? Would this particular what if question still bring me tears all these years later?

When I discovered an opening for a registered nurse for Worth the Wait 3 years ago, I knew this was the job for me. (Worth the Wait is a non-profit organization that promotes abstinence until marriage and encourages teenagers to avoid all high risk behaviors.) I had never felt such a strong desire to be apart of a program. I was elated when I was hired.

I remember telling the founder and the director at that time of WTW during my interview, how I felt this job would help heal me, how it would help allow me to forgive myself. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best thing to say during an interview.... "hire me because this job will help heal what's wrong with me". This was unlike any interview, though. There were tears... many tears. There was a comfortable and open feeling in this room of 3 women. 3 who wanted to change the world and decrease the number of teenage pregnancies in our area, and also one in that group who wanted to forgive what was broken inside her.

I miss working full time for WTW. It's been months since I last stepped into a high school classroom and taught. I loved telling my story at the end of the lesson to teenagers. Sometimes, I don't necessarily think my story is a success story... there are days and moments when I struggle and fail within my marriage. While I am being honest and open here... another what if question I struggle with is... what if we hadn't gotten pregnant... where would mine and Michael's life be today? (I'm going to end that thought here.)

Forgiveness is hard. I know it is commanded upon us that we are to forgive others. What about ourselves though? How do you forgive an action that completely changed your life forever?

Another favorite quote/saying I have is this:

Forgiveness

If I cannot forgive myself

For all the blunders

That I have made

Over the years,

Then how can I proceed?

How can I ever

Dream perfection-dreams?

Move, I must, forward.

Fly, I must, upward.

Dive, I must, inward,

To be once more

What I truly am

And shall forever remain.

-Sri Chinmoy

Through forgiveness, can I be "once more what I truly am"? I think this ties into my last post on depression and finding me.

This is a journey of my life. Thinking outloud as I go.

~jen

Intervention

I love watching A&E's Intervention. While I don't struggle with any drug or alcohol addiction, I am in need of an intervention.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.

I know they say you can’t go home again

I just had to come back one last time

Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam

But these handprints on the front steps are mine

Up those stairs in that little back bedroom

Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar

I bet you didn’t know under that live oak

My favorite dog is buried in the yard

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone elseI thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years

From Better Homes and Gardens magazine

Plans were drawn and concrete poured

Nail by nail and board by board

Daddy gave life to mama’s dream

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can

I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

This brokenness inside me might start healing

Out here it’s like I’m someone else

I thought that maybe I could find myself

If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

Won’t take nothing but a memory

From the house that built me

I've thought about the houses that have built me. There are several. The very first home my parent's called "home". Our home in Hobbs. The house on Summit. My grandparent's homes in Electra. Southwest Church of Christ. A two-bedroom apartment. A duplex in Canyon. 3 bedroom rent house in Ridgecrest. A home of our own.

I've wondered at what point the carefree, happy me became who I am today. No one particular moment is to blame for the depression. It just happened. "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am".

I need to find myself. I need to find my happiness. I need an intervention. So, I am creating a self-induced intervention. Starting with this very public blog. I titled this blog, "Thinking Outloud" and that's what I am doing. I'm sharing my story. I'm openly confessing... I am depressed. Maybe by putting it out here in the open, someone else who struggles with depression will realize that they are not alone.

This old world can be hard at times. Struggling with marriage and children can be hard. Forgetting who you once were and trying to find that person can be hard. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and you lose your way. I'm trying to find my way again. I'm trying to find me.

~jen

Adjusting

A week of having a 16 year old has come and gone. He's still 16. As much as I've wished for the years to be rewound, it hasn't happened. He's still 16, and I'm still 29 (give or take a few years).

Who knew that raising children could be this hard. Recently, a friend told me that as a mom I am preparing my children to leave me, to be independent of me. Independent of me. I'm not ready to be independent of them. How can I let them be independent of me when I want to hang on as tightly as I can.

I feel as though there is this giant count down clock ticking down the days that I have left with Cody. Tick, another day is gone. We are one more day closer to graduation. One more day until he leaves home for college. One more day.

Before long, I'll be having the same feelings for Caden. I can't even envision my life without my children. Without the next basketball tournament, or golf tournament, or soccer game, or PTA meeting, or fundraisers, or athletic banquets.

This week has been one of the hardest parenting moments this far in the whole scheme of parenting. Watching Cody's car pull away from our street hasn't gotten any easier.

I don't know how to adjust. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how, but I know I have to.

~jen

Happy Birthday, Cody

Before you were conceived, I wanted you

Before you were born, I loved you

Before you were here an hour, I would die for you

This is the miracle of love.

-Maureen Hawkins

Happy Birthday, Cody. You are such a blessing to me. I thank God each and every day for you. I am so proud of who you are becoming. As hard as it is for me to let go, you are spreading your wings and soaring high. Continue to shine brightly, you are going to do great and amazing things for God has his hand on you. I love you, ~mom

The morning after...

Yesterday my husband quit his job. After 13 1/2 years, he's done. Tired. Fed up. Frustrated. Unable to make it better. Unhappy. Tired of the day to day. Unappreciated. Overworked. Taking a leap of faith.

We've talked about this over the last couple of days so it wasn't a complete surprise to me. It still didn't make yesterday morning any easier for me. Or I'm sure for him, either.

I've gone through several emotions over the last 36 hours. From anger to fear to hurt to sadness. I'm sad to see Michael leave. I know he loves what he does. He is very good at what he does. Car salesmen have a bad reputation in general. But not my husband. He is a good manager and salesman who takes good care of his customers. That's why over the last 13 1/2 years he has had the same customers coming back to him year after year.

I'm angry that it has come down to this. I'm angry that this was something that couldn't be fixed. I'm angry Michael missed family vacations, basketball games, and golf tournaments because he was needed at work. Because if he wasn't there, cars didn't get sold, orders didn't get placed, paperwork didn't get done... the list goes on and on.

I'm scared for the future. After 13 1/2 years there was familiarity and a sense of security. I don't know the plan and that's very scary. We are a 2 income family. We have to have 2 incomes. Preferably 2 good incomes. Michael has a couple of scenarios in the works, but nothing has been finalized. I doubt that he will have any problems finding another job. His phone rang non-stop yesterday with friends and past co-workers calling offering him best wishes and to use their names for references.

I guess this is where that leap of faith comes in. Please say a prayer for Michael. Please pray that he will find the right job. One that makes him happy. One that will provide financial stability for our family. Please pray for me that I will also have faith. One of my biggest weaknesses and spiritual downfalls is a lack of complete faith. I seem to let worry and despair take control during times like these. All of those "what-if's" come into play. The only "what-if" question I should be asking is "what if I just gave it all to God?".

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

I have this scripture in a notes folder in my cellphone. I read it at least daily. More if it's a difficult day. Anything, everything, thanksgiving, understanding. Words for me to live by over the next few days.... few months... few years... until the end.

Thank you for your prayers.
~jen

Just the latest...

Well, it seems I haven't yet found my blogging mojo. Not sure where it's gone to. It's not like there isn't anything to blog about... because there is always something going on with the kids to talk about!

Here's just the highlights of our lives...

Cody is in the middle of his basketball season. He is playing better than we've seen him play. It amazes me how he continues to grow not only physically, but athletically as well. He made his first full dunk in warm-ups this week. Mike and I missed it as we were both late leaving work and arrived to his game late! His team is playing really well together. Cody is enjoying high school and is counting down the days until he gets his driver's license! Oh my.

Caden is doing well, too. He just started his first year of Upward basketball. He loves playing basketball just as much as his older brother does! He, too continues to grow physically and athletically as well! He is doing well in 1st grade. He is reading, writing short stories, and is progressing so well in speech that this should be our last year of speech therapy! Praise God!

Mike is... well... he's doing ok. His Steelers let him down this football season. I'm not so sure his Laker's are doing that well for him. He didn't win his fantasy football leagues this year. He hasn't been out on the golf course in months. Car sales are depressing (continue to pray about this one!). Mike could be better. :) In all actuality, he's doing fine. We do pray though that car sales will begin to rise so that we can meet our financial needs.

And me... I'm ok. I'm learning the ins and outs (literally!) of the GI lab at our hospital. It's been a stressful transition. Not sure that this is "the" job for me, but it has a really good work schedule that works for the kids and I. I still dream of returning to school one day.

What else... oh for those that haven't heard... we have a new puppy. He is a silver lab and he has been named Colt. We have Boomer, and now we have Colt. Just keeping things fair between the UT/OU divided house! The kids have loved having the new puppy around. I'm still not too excited about it, but everyone begged and pleaded... so I gave in. :)

I guess that's the latest news in our household.

Another post to come at some point! :)

~jen

2009 Fall Family Photos

Out with the old...

... in with the new. Hello friends and family. Missed me? I've missed this. I think I just lost my blogging mojo for the last month or so. Hopefully the new look and style will ignite the blogging passion again! :)
~jen

Under Construction

Thanksgiving

Everyday during the month of November I will be sharing what I am thankful for.

30 Days of Giving Thanks

Day 1. I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. While it is a work in progress and there are days that I struggle, I am growing in my walk and very thankful for my relationship with Him.

Day 2. I am thankful for my husband. 16 years ago he stood beside me and continues to do so. Our marriage is something we have to work on daily, and it is far from perfect, but I love Michael with all my heart. I am thankful that he is my husband and he loves me.

Day 3. I am thankful for my beautiful children. They have brought so much joy in my life. There are days that they drain the life out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

Day 4. I am thankful for my parents. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me. Thank you for teaching me His word and setting a Christian example for me to follow. Thank you for being such great grandparents to the boys.

Day 5: I am thankful for another day. Today is my birthday. It's kind of a big one. I am thankful to see another birthday, to experience another day in the life of me. I have a good life. I don't always see it that way. There's always something that I want or wish for, but when I look at my life, there is so much that I am blessed with and truly thankful for.

Day 6: I am thankful for my grandparents. How I love these 4 wonderful individuals. I have such fond memories of special times with each of my grandparents. From Pa teaching me to drive the Suburban on the way to the lake, Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, listening to my Granny play the organ at church, to Papa taking me for a ride on the train in Electra. These are just a few of many, many special memories I have of my grandparents. The greatest blessing is that my boys are creating their own memories with their great-grandparents. I love you Granny, Papa, Grandma and Pa! I am very thankful for you. I want to also share how thankful I am that I had 3 wonderful grandparents-in-law. I grew to love Mike's grandparents as my own and I am so thankful for the time I had with each of them. They are thought of often and missed greatly.

Day 7: I am thankful for my younger brother, BJ. Even though we don't see each other very often or keep in touch as much as we should, I think of him often and am very thankful that he is my brother.

Day 8: I am thankful for my in-laws. To my extended Conrad family, I am so very thankful for each of you. I have come to love your family so deeply. Thank you for loving me and making feel so much a part of this family. Thank you to my brothers and sisters in-law for being such great aunts and uncles to Cody and Caden.

Day 9: I am thankful for our home. What a blessing it is to live in a house that is ours. I've loved decorating our home. I love family dinners at our dining table. I love the laughter of Cody and his friends during movie nights at our home. I am so thankful for my beautiful home.

Day 10: I am thankful for the fish sticks, fries, mac and cheese, and corn that I have fixed for supper. While it is not a fabulous meal by any means... it is a meal. I am thankful that neither my children nor Mike and I have ever gone hungry. Even though Caden has on numerous occasions proclaimed that he is starving, none of us have ever had to experience hunger. I pray we never have to.

Day 11: I am thankful for those who have fought, past and present, for my freedom. Thank you, Veterans for all that you have done and continue to do.

Day 12: I am thankful for my DVR so that I can watch Friday Night Lights and The Real Housewives when it is convenient for me! (And without commercials!) :)

Day 13: I am thankful for the free flu shot I received today at work. However I am not thankful for the soreness to my upper arm and the inability to raise my arm above my shoulders due to the soreness! That was one of the most painful shots I have ever had!

Day 14: I am thankful that I survived my first craft show today. I didn't sell one single thing. In fact at the end of the day I am probably negative $60 from preparing for the show, my registration fee, a donation for a door prize, and because of the guy 2 booths down from me selling freshly made roasted cinnamon pecans! I did pass out a lot of business cards, so maybe that part of the day will be worthwhile. :)

Day 15: I am thankful for the tears that were shed this morning at worship. May the healing begin.

Day 16: I am thankful for my friends. From old to new. From lost to found (thank you facebook!). For those that have stood the test of time. More specifically... my dear friend Renay. I have been so blessed by our friendship. I am so thankful that you are in my life and that our friendship continues to grow through every trial and celebration. I love you dearly, Renay. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.

Day 17: I am thankful for basketball, football, golf, little league, soccer, and everything in between! I am thankful for my athletic boys! I LOVE watching them play. At times all the games and traveling and long hours spent driving a golf cart or sitting at a practice can be exhausting, but watching that long jump shot bounce in off the rim, a golf ball grace the green, little hands hiking a football, smiles and joys with every win, or the frustration and disappointment with every loss... I am thankful for every moment.

Day 18: I am thankful for facebook! (Silly, I know!) I have been able to reconnect with so many long-lost friends. It has been so much fun to get to know old friends all over again!

Day 19: I am thankful for the blessings of a new baby in the family. What a wonderful experience it is to watch my nieces and nephews grow up!

Day 20: I am thankful for my new job and my new co-workers. Starting a new job is never easy, so I am thankful for those who are training me and more importantly having patience with me!

Day 21: I am thankful for quiet moments. With two very active boys, those quiet moments don't happen too often. But when they do, what a blessing it is! It's a great time for reflection, prayer, or just doing nothing.

Day 22: I am thankful for my education. I am proud of my education. It took a whole lot of dedication, hard work, prayers, tears, and studying, but I am blessed because of it. I get to go to work and be compassionate, kind, and care for someone in need.

Day 23: I am thankful for my children's teachers. (Especially Cody's!) What amazing work they do. I am experiencing first hand how my children are growing and learning. Caden has begun reading books! Cody is in 3 pre-AP classes this semester. Their teachers are doing amazing things and I am so thankful for all they do for my children!

Day 24: I am thankful for a safe trip to Hereford last night to watch Cody's basketball team play. I am thankful that the boys had a safe trip as well. This was the first of many upcoming out-of-town trips for games and I pray that they will always return home safely after each game.

Day 25: I am thankful for this blog! What a humbling experience to re-read the highs and lows of the last couple of years.

Day 26: Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for my mother-in-law and father-in-law for the wonderful thanksgiving meal!

Day 27: I am thankful for the Black Friday deals that I was able to get at such great prices.

Day 28: I am thankful for my chocolate truffle coffee brewing. Yummy.

Day 29: I am thankful for the sermon at church this morning. It hit home. It always amazes me how I hear just exactly what I need to hear at the right moment. Fate? Chance? I don't think so.

Day 30: Today I am thankful for the trials, because in the end they will only make me stronger.

~jen

Morning Reflection

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7

I need this scripture more than ever these days. We are reaching that time of year where car sales plummet (even more than they have in the past) and worries and stress rise. Increasing worries about keeping my kids healthy (and Mike and I) as more reports of flu outbreaks in our area are the highlight of the evening news. Worries over where we as a country are headed. Worries over the rising costs of health care for my family. And so many more.

Sunday morning's sermon was about the Will of God. One point that has stuck in my head is that I must do what He has revealed before I will see what He will reveal. I must remain faithful. Looking back on the events of our lives the last 18 months or so, I am reminded of the Footprints poem.

One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.

This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me."

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never,

never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.

"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."

...Mary Stevenson

I can confess to you that during those trials and suffering, my faith was low. I constantly worried how everything would work out. I doubted, I questioned, I worried. Looking back I see that I was carried even though I doubted, I worried, I questioned, and I didn't have the faith that I should have. I didn't trust what He would reveal. Still, He carried me through those trials and struggles.

So my prayer this morning is that I will not be anxious or worry and that I will pray with a thankful heart. That I will remember that there is a plan. That I will never be alone. That I must trust Him that the path I must take, no matter how hard, will lead to something better.

~jen

Broken Dreams

Caden has had a wonderful 2 weekends of flag football. He loved playing football. He didn't really enjoy practices that much, though. His complaint... too much running. :) Caden played every minute of most of the games. If he was on the side line, it was just long enough to get a drink and then he was back in the game. He played center on offense and nose guard on defense. He had two jobs... on offense, to hike the ball; on defense, to watch where the ball was going and go get a flag. He did both jobs well. I was so proud to watch him play.

This past Thursday, Caden's first grade flag football season ended with a fractured clavicle. During practice Caden and his team were doing some running drills and Caden decided to scoop up the football as he ran past it. He ended up tripping and landed directly on his left shoulder.

Mike brought him home and after looking at Caden's left shoulder I could see there was something wrong. I took him to our local urgent care center (the one that I previously worked at). Since I had a connection there, the x-ray tech let us go back and view the films as they processed. Once Caden's x-ray came into view I literally had to grab the wall behind me to keep me on my two feet! Caden was fitted into a splint and we went home.

Caden had an appointment with an orthopedic specialist Friday morning. Michael took Caden to the appointment and he was told that these types of fractures heal very well, especially in young, healthy children. Caden was fitted in a clavicle brace that he will wear for the next 4-6 weeks. He has a follow-up appointment at the end of the month.

Caden has done ok the past 2 days. We had a rough morning this morning, but he has done well this afternoon and evening. Since I wasn't able to go to the ortho appointment yesterday, I needed some convincing that Caden was going to be ok, so this afternoon I went and saw an orthopedic PA at my old office. He has treated Cody in the past and I really trust his knowledge and judgement. He reassured me that Caden will do fine and that I will be amazed at how the body heals these types of fractures.

So, hopefully that will be the case with Caden. Please remember him (and us) in your prayers as his body heals. It's been nice to have him at home this weekend where I can shelter him from any harm, but as he goes back to school Monday, I know I will be a nervous wreck! Please say a prayer that he will be safe at school and that adjusting to no PE and recess will be as easy as possible. He's done well accepting that he is done with football and the possibility that he will not be able to play basketball. If you know Caden, you know he loves sports, so this has been a little hard for him! (And it's been just as hard on his mom and dad!)

Here are a few pictures of Caden's short-lived flag football season and the season-ending break!

~jen