Some thoughts...

I have so much on my mind this evening. The boys are out at the park with Mike hitting some golf balls. The house is quiet. My mind just races.

For the past couple of weeks I feel as though I have been on a downward spiral. Things at work are at an all-time low. I feel so lost. On one hand I have the perfect job. My director works with my schedule so that I can attend everything that the kids have going on. I only have to work 2 days a week. I earn a very good wage.

On the other hand, I do not enjoy my job at all. It is affecting everything about me. I don't feel that I am the same person I was before. I am more tense, tired, anxious, tearful, depressed, withdrawn.... it seems to be affecting Mike and the kids and my relationship with each of them.

So where is the middle ground, what do I do? Do I continue to work where I am at now just because I can attend every football & basketball game, golf tournament, or special event? Or do I sacrifice that freedom so I can find another nursing position that I may enjoy? And what about Caden.... is it fair for him to have to go to daycare 2-3 days a week and preschool the other 2 days? I don't know what to do. Part of me is fearful of leaving the hospital, because honestly... what if the next job isn't any better?

I've applied for a position with Texas Panhandle Mental Retardation Mental Health. They have a nursing position available working in a home health type setting. The job is Mon-Fri, 8-5. No holidays, no late nights, no weekends. I think I would enjoy working there. I really enjoyed my job working with the special education kids with the Amarillo school district and I loved my mental health rotation in school. So, we'll see what happens. I was told that not many people have applied for the job when I turned in my application.

I don't know if this is the right move for me. I was talking to Mike about the pro's and con's and I think right now what worries me is working more hours, Caden has to go to daycare more, and I am not going to see much of an increase in pay (especially after paying more in daycare). But, then Mike just said... maybe you will love your job, maybe this will be the job that makes you happy.

So, here's the thing. This isn't a "feel sorry for Jennifer" post. This is more for me. This is a little decompression time. This is one of those journal-type posts where 6 months from now I can look back and hopefully see a low point that has turned around and become something better.

I pray for guidance and strength, and that I may not lose hope or sight of why I became a nurse.
~jen