Two days ago I received a call from a friend that the wife of a mutual friend of ours from high school was tragically killed in a car accident. Their two children were in the car with her, but were not seriously injured.
My heart has ached for this family for the last two days. I am sure it will for the next several days as I think about them as they prepare to bury their loved one and then accept the life that they now have to live without her. She was only 33 and leaves behind a 1 1/2 year old son and a 3 year old daughter, a loving husband, and countless other family members and friends.
I have not seen or spoken to this friend in 15 plus years. We were able to reconnect through facebook over the last several months and it has been wonderful to have that connection to him and so many other long lost friends from high school. I am saddened that so many friendships were simply let go over the years. Too busy to call, too busy to stay in touch. Life got in the way.
The news of this tragic accident has served as a simple yet powerful reminder that our life is precious. Spouses, children, parents, grandparents, siblings, family members, friendships... are precious. We are not guaranteed another day. I have taken too many days for granted. I've taken too many friendships for granted. I've taken too many family members for granted. There were days that I didn't speak kind words to my husband or children. It's too easy to get caught up in the day to day and forget that there is no promise of another day.
So, to those family members and friends who read this... I am thankful for each of you. I love you and am blessed to have you in my life. I will try to not take each day for granted. For we do not know what is planned for us. At any moment life can change in the blink of an eye.
~jen
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The What If's
~I'm not quite sure where this post will lead. Just thinking outloud about some things that have been heavy on my heart for some time.~
A few years ago while driving down Western street, I passed Paramount Baptist Church and their marquee caught my attention. It read: "It's not too late to be the person who you might have been."
I immediately wrote it down on the back of a receipt I had found in my center console. When I got home, I added it to my Favorite Quotes, Scriptures, & Poems list on the sidebar of this blog.
I haven't forgotten that quote. In fact I see it every time I scroll through my blog.
I have a horrible habit of playing the "what if" game in my head. I've even tried to "what if" my way out of an argument a few times.
The biggest "what if" that goes through my mind is "what if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Cody". Now, let me preface this part of my post with... I love Cody more than anything and by me even throwing out the thought of "what if I had not gotten pregnant" is no way a regret in him in any way. I can not imagine my life without him. But, as much as I love him and as much as I can't imagine life without him, it doesn't stop me from having this particular "what if" thought.
I can't help but wonder who I might be today had those little pink lines on the pregnancy test been one line instead of two. Is it wrong to wonder? Am I doing more harm than good by even what if-ing this part of my life? Because in the end, it really doesn't matter. There were 2 pink lines staring me back in the face that day. All the reality and irresponsibility of my sin and disobedience was right there. The path of my life just took a turn down a road that wasn't planned.
Sometimes I wonder if this what-if question is to blame from lack of forgiving myself. I think I've been carrying this around with me for 16 years. Had I truly forgiven myself though the years, would this what-if question still linger as strongly? Would this particular what if question still bring me tears all these years later?
When I discovered an opening for a registered nurse for Worth the Wait 3 years ago, I knew this was the job for me. (Worth the Wait is a non-profit organization that promotes abstinence until marriage and encourages teenagers to avoid all high risk behaviors.) I had never felt such a strong desire to be apart of a program. I was elated when I was hired.
I remember telling the founder and the director at that time of WTW during my interview, how I felt this job would help heal me, how it would help allow me to forgive myself. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best thing to say during an interview.... "hire me because this job will help heal what's wrong with me". This was unlike any interview, though. There were tears... many tears. There was a comfortable and open feeling in this room of 3 women. 3 who wanted to change the world and decrease the number of teenage pregnancies in our area, and also one in that group who wanted to forgive what was broken inside her.
I miss working full time for WTW. It's been months since I last stepped into a high school classroom and taught. I loved telling my story at the end of the lesson to teenagers. Sometimes, I don't necessarily think my story is a success story... there are days and moments when I struggle and fail within my marriage. While I am being honest and open here... another what if question I struggle with is... what if we hadn't gotten pregnant... where would mine and Michael's life be today? (I'm going to end that thought here.)
Forgiveness is hard. I know it is commanded upon us that we are to forgive others. What about ourselves though? How do you forgive an action that completely changed your life forever?
Another favorite quote/saying I have is this:
Through forgiveness, can I be "once more what I truly am"? I think this ties into my last post on depression and finding me.
This is a journey of my life. Thinking outloud as I go.
~jen
A few years ago while driving down Western street, I passed Paramount Baptist Church and their marquee caught my attention. It read: "It's not too late to be the person who you might have been."
I immediately wrote it down on the back of a receipt I had found in my center console. When I got home, I added it to my Favorite Quotes, Scriptures, & Poems list on the sidebar of this blog.
I haven't forgotten that quote. In fact I see it every time I scroll through my blog.
I have a horrible habit of playing the "what if" game in my head. I've even tried to "what if" my way out of an argument a few times.
The biggest "what if" that goes through my mind is "what if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Cody". Now, let me preface this part of my post with... I love Cody more than anything and by me even throwing out the thought of "what if I had not gotten pregnant" is no way a regret in him in any way. I can not imagine my life without him. But, as much as I love him and as much as I can't imagine life without him, it doesn't stop me from having this particular "what if" thought.
I can't help but wonder who I might be today had those little pink lines on the pregnancy test been one line instead of two. Is it wrong to wonder? Am I doing more harm than good by even what if-ing this part of my life? Because in the end, it really doesn't matter. There were 2 pink lines staring me back in the face that day. All the reality and irresponsibility of my sin and disobedience was right there. The path of my life just took a turn down a road that wasn't planned.
Sometimes I wonder if this what-if question is to blame from lack of forgiving myself. I think I've been carrying this around with me for 16 years. Had I truly forgiven myself though the years, would this what-if question still linger as strongly? Would this particular what if question still bring me tears all these years later?
When I discovered an opening for a registered nurse for Worth the Wait 3 years ago, I knew this was the job for me. (Worth the Wait is a non-profit organization that promotes abstinence until marriage and encourages teenagers to avoid all high risk behaviors.) I had never felt such a strong desire to be apart of a program. I was elated when I was hired.
I remember telling the founder and the director at that time of WTW during my interview, how I felt this job would help heal me, how it would help allow me to forgive myself. Looking back, that probably wasn't the best thing to say during an interview.... "hire me because this job will help heal what's wrong with me". This was unlike any interview, though. There were tears... many tears. There was a comfortable and open feeling in this room of 3 women. 3 who wanted to change the world and decrease the number of teenage pregnancies in our area, and also one in that group who wanted to forgive what was broken inside her.
I miss working full time for WTW. It's been months since I last stepped into a high school classroom and taught. I loved telling my story at the end of the lesson to teenagers. Sometimes, I don't necessarily think my story is a success story... there are days and moments when I struggle and fail within my marriage. While I am being honest and open here... another what if question I struggle with is... what if we hadn't gotten pregnant... where would mine and Michael's life be today? (I'm going to end that thought here.)
Forgiveness is hard. I know it is commanded upon us that we are to forgive others. What about ourselves though? How do you forgive an action that completely changed your life forever?
Another favorite quote/saying I have is this:
Forgiveness
If I cannot forgive myself
For all the blunders
That I have made
Over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever
Dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.
-Sri Chinmoy
Through forgiveness, can I be "once more what I truly am"? I think this ties into my last post on depression and finding me.
This is a journey of my life. Thinking outloud as I go.
~jen
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Intervention
I love watching A&E's Intervention. While I don't struggle with any drug or alcohol addiction, I am in need of an intervention.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone elseI thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
I've thought about the houses that have built me. There are several. The very first home my parent's called "home". Our home in Hobbs. The house on Summit. My grandparent's homes in Electra. Southwest Church of Christ. A two-bedroom apartment. A duplex in Canyon. 3 bedroom rent house in Ridgecrest. A home of our own.
I've wondered at what point the carefree, happy me became who I am today. No one particular moment is to blame for the depression. It just happened. "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am".
I need to find myself. I need to find my happiness. I need an intervention. So, I am creating a self-induced intervention. Starting with this very public blog. I titled this blog, "Thinking Outloud" and that's what I am doing. I'm sharing my story. I'm openly confessing... I am depressed. Maybe by putting it out here in the open, someone else who struggles with depression will realize that they are not alone.
This old world can be hard at times. Struggling with marriage and children can be hard. Forgetting who you once were and trying to find that person can be hard. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and you lose your way. I'm trying to find my way again. I'm trying to find me.
~jen
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Adjusting
A week of having a 16 year old has come and gone. He's still 16. As much as I've wished for the years to be rewound, it hasn't happened. He's still 16, and I'm still 29 (give or take a few years).
Who knew that raising children could be this hard. Recently, a friend told me that as a mom I am preparing my children to leave me, to be independent of me. Independent of me. I'm not ready to be independent of them. How can I let them be independent of me when I want to hang on as tightly as I can.
I feel as though there is this giant count down clock ticking down the days that I have left with Cody. Tick, another day is gone. We are one more day closer to graduation. One more day until he leaves home for college. One more day.
Before long, I'll be having the same feelings for Caden. I can't even envision my life without my children. Without the next basketball tournament, or golf tournament, or soccer game, or PTA meeting, or fundraisers, or athletic banquets.
This week has been one of the hardest parenting moments this far in the whole scheme of parenting. Watching Cody's car pull away from our street hasn't gotten any easier.
I don't know how to adjust. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how, but I know I have to.
~jen
Who knew that raising children could be this hard. Recently, a friend told me that as a mom I am preparing my children to leave me, to be independent of me. Independent of me. I'm not ready to be independent of them. How can I let them be independent of me when I want to hang on as tightly as I can.
I feel as though there is this giant count down clock ticking down the days that I have left with Cody. Tick, another day is gone. We are one more day closer to graduation. One more day until he leaves home for college. One more day.
Before long, I'll be having the same feelings for Caden. I can't even envision my life without my children. Without the next basketball tournament, or golf tournament, or soccer game, or PTA meeting, or fundraisers, or athletic banquets.
This week has been one of the hardest parenting moments this far in the whole scheme of parenting. Watching Cody's car pull away from our street hasn't gotten any easier.
I don't know how to adjust. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how, but I know I have to.
~jen
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Happy Birthday, Cody
Before you were conceived, I wanted you
Before you were born, I loved you
Before you were here an hour, I would die for you
This is the miracle of love.
-Maureen Hawkins
Happy Birthday, Cody. You are such a blessing to me. I thank God each and every day for you. I am so proud of who you are becoming. As hard as it is for me to let go, you are spreading your wings and soaring high. Continue to shine brightly, you are going to do great and amazing things for God has his hand on you. I love you, ~mom
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The morning after...
Yesterday my husband quit his job. After 13 1/2 years, he's done. Tired. Fed up. Frustrated. Unable to make it better. Unhappy. Tired of the day to day. Unappreciated. Overworked. Taking a leap of faith.
We've talked about this over the last couple of days so it wasn't a complete surprise to me. It still didn't make yesterday morning any easier for me. Or I'm sure for him, either.
I've gone through several emotions over the last 36 hours. From anger to fear to hurt to sadness. I'm sad to see Michael leave. I know he loves what he does. He is very good at what he does. Car salesmen have a bad reputation in general. But not my husband. He is a good manager and salesman who takes good care of his customers. That's why over the last 13 1/2 years he has had the same customers coming back to him year after year.
I'm angry that it has come down to this. I'm angry that this was something that couldn't be fixed. I'm angry Michael missed family vacations, basketball games, and golf tournaments because he was needed at work. Because if he wasn't there, cars didn't get sold, orders didn't get placed, paperwork didn't get done... the list goes on and on.
I'm scared for the future. After 13 1/2 years there was familiarity and a sense of security. I don't know the plan and that's very scary. We are a 2 income family. We have to have 2 incomes. Preferably 2 good incomes. Michael has a couple of scenarios in the works, but nothing has been finalized. I doubt that he will have any problems finding another job. His phone rang non-stop yesterday with friends and past co-workers calling offering him best wishes and to use their names for references.
I guess this is where that leap of faith comes in. Please say a prayer for Michael. Please pray that he will find the right job. One that makes him happy. One that will provide financial stability for our family. Please pray for me that I will also have faith. One of my biggest weaknesses and spiritual downfalls is a lack of complete faith. I seem to let worry and despair take control during times like these. All of those "what-if's" come into play. The only "what-if" question I should be asking is "what if I just gave it all to God?".
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I have this scripture in a notes folder in my cellphone. I read it at least daily. More if it's a difficult day. Anything, everything, thanksgiving, understanding. Words for me to live by over the next few days.... few months... few years... until the end.
Thank you for your prayers.
~jen
We've talked about this over the last couple of days so it wasn't a complete surprise to me. It still didn't make yesterday morning any easier for me. Or I'm sure for him, either.
I've gone through several emotions over the last 36 hours. From anger to fear to hurt to sadness. I'm sad to see Michael leave. I know he loves what he does. He is very good at what he does. Car salesmen have a bad reputation in general. But not my husband. He is a good manager and salesman who takes good care of his customers. That's why over the last 13 1/2 years he has had the same customers coming back to him year after year.
I'm angry that it has come down to this. I'm angry that this was something that couldn't be fixed. I'm angry Michael missed family vacations, basketball games, and golf tournaments because he was needed at work. Because if he wasn't there, cars didn't get sold, orders didn't get placed, paperwork didn't get done... the list goes on and on.
I'm scared for the future. After 13 1/2 years there was familiarity and a sense of security. I don't know the plan and that's very scary. We are a 2 income family. We have to have 2 incomes. Preferably 2 good incomes. Michael has a couple of scenarios in the works, but nothing has been finalized. I doubt that he will have any problems finding another job. His phone rang non-stop yesterday with friends and past co-workers calling offering him best wishes and to use their names for references.
I guess this is where that leap of faith comes in. Please say a prayer for Michael. Please pray that he will find the right job. One that makes him happy. One that will provide financial stability for our family. Please pray for me that I will also have faith. One of my biggest weaknesses and spiritual downfalls is a lack of complete faith. I seem to let worry and despair take control during times like these. All of those "what-if's" come into play. The only "what-if" question I should be asking is "what if I just gave it all to God?".
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7
I have this scripture in a notes folder in my cellphone. I read it at least daily. More if it's a difficult day. Anything, everything, thanksgiving, understanding. Words for me to live by over the next few days.... few months... few years... until the end.
Thank you for your prayers.
~jen
Monday, January 11, 2010
Just the latest...
Well, it seems I haven't yet found my blogging mojo. Not sure where it's gone to. It's not like there isn't anything to blog about... because there is always something going on with the kids to talk about!
Here's just the highlights of our lives...
Cody is in the middle of his basketball season. He is playing better than we've seen him play. It amazes me how he continues to grow not only physically, but athletically as well. He made his first full dunk in warm-ups this week. Mike and I missed it as we were both late leaving work and arrived to his game late! His team is playing really well together. Cody is enjoying high school and is counting down the days until he gets his driver's license! Oh my.
Caden is doing well, too. He just started his first year of Upward basketball. He loves playing basketball just as much as his older brother does! He, too continues to grow physically and athletically as well! He is doing well in 1st grade. He is reading, writing short stories, and is progressing so well in speech that this should be our last year of speech therapy! Praise God!
Mike is... well... he's doing ok. His Steelers let him down this football season. I'm not so sure his Laker's are doing that well for him. He didn't win his fantasy football leagues this year. He hasn't been out on the golf course in months. Car sales are depressing (continue to pray about this one!). Mike could be better. :) In all actuality, he's doing fine. We do pray though that car sales will begin to rise so that we can meet our financial needs.
And me... I'm ok. I'm learning the ins and outs (literally!) of the GI lab at our hospital. It's been a stressful transition. Not sure that this is "the" job for me, but it has a really good work schedule that works for the kids and I. I still dream of returning to school one day.
What else... oh for those that haven't heard... we have a new puppy. He is a silver lab and he has been named Colt. We have Boomer, and now we have Colt. Just keeping things fair between the UT/OU divided house! The kids have loved having the new puppy around. I'm still not too excited about it, but everyone begged and pleaded... so I gave in. :)
I guess that's the latest news in our household.
Another post to come at some point! :)
~jen
Here's just the highlights of our lives...
Cody is in the middle of his basketball season. He is playing better than we've seen him play. It amazes me how he continues to grow not only physically, but athletically as well. He made his first full dunk in warm-ups this week. Mike and I missed it as we were both late leaving work and arrived to his game late! His team is playing really well together. Cody is enjoying high school and is counting down the days until he gets his driver's license! Oh my.
Caden is doing well, too. He just started his first year of Upward basketball. He loves playing basketball just as much as his older brother does! He, too continues to grow physically and athletically as well! He is doing well in 1st grade. He is reading, writing short stories, and is progressing so well in speech that this should be our last year of speech therapy! Praise God!
Mike is... well... he's doing ok. His Steelers let him down this football season. I'm not so sure his Laker's are doing that well for him. He didn't win his fantasy football leagues this year. He hasn't been out on the golf course in months. Car sales are depressing (continue to pray about this one!). Mike could be better. :) In all actuality, he's doing fine. We do pray though that car sales will begin to rise so that we can meet our financial needs.
And me... I'm ok. I'm learning the ins and outs (literally!) of the GI lab at our hospital. It's been a stressful transition. Not sure that this is "the" job for me, but it has a really good work schedule that works for the kids and I. I still dream of returning to school one day.
What else... oh for those that haven't heard... we have a new puppy. He is a silver lab and he has been named Colt. We have Boomer, and now we have Colt. Just keeping things fair between the UT/OU divided house! The kids have loved having the new puppy around. I'm still not too excited about it, but everyone begged and pleaded... so I gave in. :)
I guess that's the latest news in our household.
Another post to come at some point! :)
~jen
Monday, December 28, 2009
Out with the old...
... in with the new. Hello friends and family. Missed me? I've missed this. I think I just lost my blogging mojo for the last month or so. Hopefully the new look and style will ignite the blogging passion again! :)
~jen
~jen
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Thanksgiving
Everyday during the month of November I will be sharing what I am thankful for.
Day 1. I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. While it is a work in progress and there are days that I struggle, I am growing in my walk and very thankful for my relationship with Him.
Day 2. I am thankful for my husband. 16 years ago he stood beside me and continues to do so. Our marriage is something we have to work on daily, and it is far from perfect, but I love Michael with all my heart. I am thankful that he is my husband and he loves me.
Day 3. I am thankful for my beautiful children. They have brought so much joy in my life. There are days that they drain the life out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way!
Day 4. I am thankful for my parents. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me. Thank you for teaching me His word and setting a Christian example for me to follow. Thank you for being such great grandparents to the boys.
Day 5: I am thankful for another day. Today is my birthday. It's kind of a big one. I am thankful to see another birthday, to experience another day in the life of me. I have a good life. I don't always see it that way. There's always something that I want or wish for, but when I look at my life, there is so much that I am blessed with and truly thankful for.
Day 6: I am thankful for my grandparents. How I love these 4 wonderful individuals. I have such fond memories of special times with each of my grandparents. From Pa teaching me to drive the Suburban on the way to the lake, Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, listening to my Granny play the organ at church, to Papa taking me for a ride on the train in Electra. These are just a few of many, many special memories I have of my grandparents. The greatest blessing is that my boys are creating their own memories with their great-grandparents. I love you Granny, Papa, Grandma and Pa! I am very thankful for you. I want to also share how thankful I am that I had 3 wonderful grandparents-in-law. I grew to love Mike's grandparents as my own and I am so thankful for the time I had with each of them. They are thought of often and missed greatly.
Day 7: I am thankful for my younger brother, BJ. Even though we don't see each other very often or keep in touch as much as we should, I think of him often and am very thankful that he is my brother.
Day 8: I am thankful for my in-laws. To my extended Conrad family, I am so very thankful for each of you. I have come to love your family so deeply. Thank you for loving me and making feel so much a part of this family. Thank you to my brothers and sisters in-law for being such great aunts and uncles to Cody and Caden.
Day 9: I am thankful for our home. What a blessing it is to live in a house that is ours. I've loved decorating our home. I love family dinners at our dining table. I love the laughter of Cody and his friends during movie nights at our home. I am so thankful for my beautiful home.
Day 10: I am thankful for the fish sticks, fries, mac and cheese, and corn that I have fixed for supper. While it is not a fabulous meal by any means... it is a meal. I am thankful that neither my children nor Mike and I have ever gone hungry. Even though Caden has on numerous occasions proclaimed that he is starving, none of us have ever had to experience hunger. I pray we never have to.
Day 11: I am thankful for those who have fought, past and present, for my freedom. Thank you, Veterans for all that you have done and continue to do.
Day 12: I am thankful for my DVR so that I can watch Friday Night Lights and The Real Housewives when it is convenient for me! (And without commercials!) :)
Day 13: I am thankful for the free flu shot I received today at work. However I am not thankful for the soreness to my upper arm and the inability to raise my arm above my shoulders due to the soreness! That was one of the most painful shots I have ever had!
Day 14: I am thankful that I survived my first craft show today. I didn't sell one single thing. In fact at the end of the day I am probably negative $60 from preparing for the show, my registration fee, a donation for a door prize, and because of the guy 2 booths down from me selling freshly made roasted cinnamon pecans! I did pass out a lot of business cards, so maybe that part of the day will be worthwhile. :)
Day 15: I am thankful for the tears that were shed this morning at worship. May the healing begin.
Day 16: I am thankful for my friends. From old to new. From lost to found (thank you facebook!). For those that have stood the test of time. More specifically... my dear friend Renay. I have been so blessed by our friendship. I am so thankful that you are in my life and that our friendship continues to grow through every trial and celebration. I love you dearly, Renay. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.
Day 17: I am thankful for basketball, football, golf, little league, soccer, and everything in between! I am thankful for my athletic boys! I LOVE watching them play. At times all the games and traveling and long hours spent driving a golf cart or sitting at a practice can be exhausting, but watching that long jump shot bounce in off the rim, a golf ball grace the green, little hands hiking a football, smiles and joys with every win, or the frustration and disappointment with every loss... I am thankful for every moment.
Day 18: I am thankful for facebook! (Silly, I know!) I have been able to reconnect with so many long-lost friends. It has been so much fun to get to know old friends all over again!
Day 19: I am thankful for the blessings of a new baby in the family. What a wonderful experience it is to watch my nieces and nephews grow up!
Day 20: I am thankful for my new job and my new co-workers. Starting a new job is never easy, so I am thankful for those who are training me and more importantly having patience with me!
Day 21: I am thankful for quiet moments. With two very active boys, those quiet moments don't happen too often. But when they do, what a blessing it is! It's a great time for reflection, prayer, or just doing nothing.
Day 22: I am thankful for my education. I am proud of my education. It took a whole lot of dedication, hard work, prayers, tears, and studying, but I am blessed because of it. I get to go to work and be compassionate, kind, and care for someone in need.
Day 23: I am thankful for my children's teachers. (Especially Cody's!) What amazing work they do. I am experiencing first hand how my children are growing and learning. Caden has begun reading books! Cody is in 3 pre-AP classes this semester. Their teachers are doing amazing things and I am so thankful for all they do for my children!
Day 24: I am thankful for a safe trip to Hereford last night to watch Cody's basketball team play. I am thankful that the boys had a safe trip as well. This was the first of many upcoming out-of-town trips for games and I pray that they will always return home safely after each game.
Day 25: I am thankful for this blog! What a humbling experience to re-read the highs and lows of the last couple of years.
Day 26: Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for my mother-in-law and father-in-law for the wonderful thanksgiving meal!
Day 27: I am thankful for the Black Friday deals that I was able to get at such great prices.
Day 28: I am thankful for my chocolate truffle coffee brewing. Yummy.
Day 29: I am thankful for the sermon at church this morning. It hit home. It always amazes me how I hear just exactly what I need to hear at the right moment. Fate? Chance? I don't think so.
Day 30: Today I am thankful for the trials, because in the end they will only make me stronger.
~jen
30 Days of Giving Thanks
Day 1. I am thankful for my relationship with Christ. While it is a work in progress and there are days that I struggle, I am growing in my walk and very thankful for my relationship with Him.
Day 2. I am thankful for my husband. 16 years ago he stood beside me and continues to do so. Our marriage is something we have to work on daily, and it is far from perfect, but I love Michael with all my heart. I am thankful that he is my husband and he loves me.
Day 3. I am thankful for my beautiful children. They have brought so much joy in my life. There are days that they drain the life out of me, but I wouldn't have it any other way!
Day 4. I am thankful for my parents. Thank you for your unconditional love. Thank you for always supporting me and encouraging me. Thank you for teaching me His word and setting a Christian example for me to follow. Thank you for being such great grandparents to the boys.
Day 5: I am thankful for another day. Today is my birthday. It's kind of a big one. I am thankful to see another birthday, to experience another day in the life of me. I have a good life. I don't always see it that way. There's always something that I want or wish for, but when I look at my life, there is so much that I am blessed with and truly thankful for.
Day 6: I am thankful for my grandparents. How I love these 4 wonderful individuals. I have such fond memories of special times with each of my grandparents. From Pa teaching me to drive the Suburban on the way to the lake, Grandma's chocolate chip cookies, listening to my Granny play the organ at church, to Papa taking me for a ride on the train in Electra. These are just a few of many, many special memories I have of my grandparents. The greatest blessing is that my boys are creating their own memories with their great-grandparents. I love you Granny, Papa, Grandma and Pa! I am very thankful for you. I want to also share how thankful I am that I had 3 wonderful grandparents-in-law. I grew to love Mike's grandparents as my own and I am so thankful for the time I had with each of them. They are thought of often and missed greatly.
Day 7: I am thankful for my younger brother, BJ. Even though we don't see each other very often or keep in touch as much as we should, I think of him often and am very thankful that he is my brother.
Day 8: I am thankful for my in-laws. To my extended Conrad family, I am so very thankful for each of you. I have come to love your family so deeply. Thank you for loving me and making feel so much a part of this family. Thank you to my brothers and sisters in-law for being such great aunts and uncles to Cody and Caden.
Day 9: I am thankful for our home. What a blessing it is to live in a house that is ours. I've loved decorating our home. I love family dinners at our dining table. I love the laughter of Cody and his friends during movie nights at our home. I am so thankful for my beautiful home.
Day 10: I am thankful for the fish sticks, fries, mac and cheese, and corn that I have fixed for supper. While it is not a fabulous meal by any means... it is a meal. I am thankful that neither my children nor Mike and I have ever gone hungry. Even though Caden has on numerous occasions proclaimed that he is starving, none of us have ever had to experience hunger. I pray we never have to.
Day 11: I am thankful for those who have fought, past and present, for my freedom. Thank you, Veterans for all that you have done and continue to do.
Day 12: I am thankful for my DVR so that I can watch Friday Night Lights and The Real Housewives when it is convenient for me! (And without commercials!) :)
Day 13: I am thankful for the free flu shot I received today at work. However I am not thankful for the soreness to my upper arm and the inability to raise my arm above my shoulders due to the soreness! That was one of the most painful shots I have ever had!
Day 14: I am thankful that I survived my first craft show today. I didn't sell one single thing. In fact at the end of the day I am probably negative $60 from preparing for the show, my registration fee, a donation for a door prize, and because of the guy 2 booths down from me selling freshly made roasted cinnamon pecans! I did pass out a lot of business cards, so maybe that part of the day will be worthwhile. :)
Day 15: I am thankful for the tears that were shed this morning at worship. May the healing begin.
Day 16: I am thankful for my friends. From old to new. From lost to found (thank you facebook!). For those that have stood the test of time. More specifically... my dear friend Renay. I have been so blessed by our friendship. I am so thankful that you are in my life and that our friendship continues to grow through every trial and celebration. I love you dearly, Renay. Thank you for being such a wonderful friend.
Day 17: I am thankful for basketball, football, golf, little league, soccer, and everything in between! I am thankful for my athletic boys! I LOVE watching them play. At times all the games and traveling and long hours spent driving a golf cart or sitting at a practice can be exhausting, but watching that long jump shot bounce in off the rim, a golf ball grace the green, little hands hiking a football, smiles and joys with every win, or the frustration and disappointment with every loss... I am thankful for every moment.
Day 18: I am thankful for facebook! (Silly, I know!) I have been able to reconnect with so many long-lost friends. It has been so much fun to get to know old friends all over again!
Day 19: I am thankful for the blessings of a new baby in the family. What a wonderful experience it is to watch my nieces and nephews grow up!
Day 20: I am thankful for my new job and my new co-workers. Starting a new job is never easy, so I am thankful for those who are training me and more importantly having patience with me!
Day 21: I am thankful for quiet moments. With two very active boys, those quiet moments don't happen too often. But when they do, what a blessing it is! It's a great time for reflection, prayer, or just doing nothing.
Day 22: I am thankful for my education. I am proud of my education. It took a whole lot of dedication, hard work, prayers, tears, and studying, but I am blessed because of it. I get to go to work and be compassionate, kind, and care for someone in need.
Day 23: I am thankful for my children's teachers. (Especially Cody's!) What amazing work they do. I am experiencing first hand how my children are growing and learning. Caden has begun reading books! Cody is in 3 pre-AP classes this semester. Their teachers are doing amazing things and I am so thankful for all they do for my children!
Day 24: I am thankful for a safe trip to Hereford last night to watch Cody's basketball team play. I am thankful that the boys had a safe trip as well. This was the first of many upcoming out-of-town trips for games and I pray that they will always return home safely after each game.
Day 25: I am thankful for this blog! What a humbling experience to re-read the highs and lows of the last couple of years.
Day 26: Happy Thanksgiving! I am thankful for my mother-in-law and father-in-law for the wonderful thanksgiving meal!
Day 27: I am thankful for the Black Friday deals that I was able to get at such great prices.
Day 28: I am thankful for my chocolate truffle coffee brewing. Yummy.
Day 29: I am thankful for the sermon at church this morning. It hit home. It always amazes me how I hear just exactly what I need to hear at the right moment. Fate? Chance? I don't think so.
Day 30: Today I am thankful for the trials, because in the end they will only make me stronger.
~jen
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Morning Reflection
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4: 6-7
I need this scripture more than ever these days. We are reaching that time of year where car sales plummet (even more than they have in the past) and worries and stress rise. Increasing worries about keeping my kids healthy (and Mike and I) as more reports of flu outbreaks in our area are the highlight of the evening news. Worries over where we as a country are headed. Worries over the rising costs of health care for my family. And so many more.
Sunday morning's sermon was about the Will of God. One point that has stuck in my head is that I must do what He has revealed before I will see what He will reveal. I must remain faithful. Looking back on the events of our lives the last 18 months or so, I am reminded of the Footprints poem.
One night I had a dream--I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints, one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,I looked back at the footprints in the sand.I noticed that many times along the path of my life,there was only one set of footprints.I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,you would walk with me all the way, but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. "I don't understand why in times when I needed you most, you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never,
never leave you during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
...Mary Stevenson
I can confess to you that during those trials and suffering, my faith was low. I constantly worried how everything would work out. I doubted, I questioned, I worried. Looking back I see that I was carried even though I doubted, I worried, I questioned, and I didn't have the faith that I should have. I didn't trust what He would reveal. Still, He carried me through those trials and struggles.
So my prayer this morning is that I will not be anxious or worry and that I will pray with a thankful heart. That I will remember that there is a plan. That I will never be alone. That I must trust Him that the path I must take, no matter how hard, will lead to something better.
~jen
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Broken Dreams
Caden has had a wonderful 2 weekends of flag football. He loved playing football. He didn't really enjoy practices that much, though. His complaint... too much running. :) Caden played every minute of most of the games. If he was on the side line, it was just long enough to get a drink and then he was back in the game. He played center on offense and nose guard on defense. He had two jobs... on offense, to hike the ball; on defense, to watch where the ball was going and go get a flag. He did both jobs well. I was so proud to watch him play.
This past Thursday, Caden's first grade flag football season ended with a fractured clavicle. During practice Caden and his team were doing some running drills and Caden decided to scoop up the football as he ran past it. He ended up tripping and landed directly on his left shoulder.
Mike brought him home and after looking at Caden's left shoulder I could see there was something wrong. I took him to our local urgent care center (the one that I previously worked at). Since I had a connection there, the x-ray tech let us go back and view the films as they processed. Once Caden's x-ray came into view I literally had to grab the wall behind me to keep me on my two feet! Caden was fitted into a splint and we went home.
Caden had an appointment with an orthopedic specialist Friday morning. Michael took Caden to the appointment and he was told that these types of fractures heal very well, especially in young, healthy children. Caden was fitted in a clavicle brace that he will wear for the next 4-6 weeks. He has a follow-up appointment at the end of the month.
Caden has done ok the past 2 days. We had a rough morning this morning, but he has done well this afternoon and evening. Since I wasn't able to go to the ortho appointment yesterday, I needed some convincing that Caden was going to be ok, so this afternoon I went and saw an orthopedic PA at my old office. He has treated Cody in the past and I really trust his knowledge and judgement. He reassured me that Caden will do fine and that I will be amazed at how the body heals these types of fractures.
So, hopefully that will be the case with Caden. Please remember him (and us) in your prayers as his body heals. It's been nice to have him at home this weekend where I can shelter him from any harm, but as he goes back to school Monday, I know I will be a nervous wreck! Please say a prayer that he will be safe at school and that adjusting to no PE and recess will be as easy as possible. He's done well accepting that he is done with football and the possibility that he will not be able to play basketball. If you know Caden, you know he loves sports, so this has been a little hard for him! (And it's been just as hard on his mom and dad!)
Here are a few pictures of Caden's short-lived flag football season and the season-ending break!
~jen
Blogoversary
3 years ago I sat down at my computer and started this blog. 425 posts later... it's still a work in progress. While the posts seem to come with more days between posts than when I first started, this is still something that I continue to enjoy. For those who live many miles away, I hope this has made you feel apart of our daily lives. For me it's been a great journal filled with many ups and downs. It's comforting to look back and see what we've lived through. It's a reminder that when today's not been a great day, there will be better days ahead. All I have to do is look back and see what all we've overcome. :)
~jen
~jen
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Homecoming 2009
Homecoming week has come and gone. But it was a fun week as always. This year's theme for the parade was "board games". I was asked to create a board game for the Boy's Golf Team. Here's my creation. I had a blast making it!
Each cart had a different board game created by the other golf moms. The boys had a fun time decorating the carts.
Cody was so excited to get to drive the cart. The rules were only licensed drivers were going to get to drive. But, there were more unlicensed drivers than licensed! So, Cody got to drive!
One last smile for the camera before they take their place in the parade.
Even Caden got to take part in the parade! Chase needed someone to throw candy, so Caden was recruited. I know he felt like such a big boy to get to ride with the team. That's him sitting in the cart on the right in the green shirt. You can just barely see his face. (Sorry for the blurry picture!)
Cody's date for Homecoming was a friend of his that plays for the girls golf team. Her older brother is one of Cody's golf teammates.
And the highlight to the game.... we beat Odessa Permian! :) Blow Sand Blow!
~jen
Monday, September 14, 2009
My favorite time of year...
It is nearing my favorite time of year... fall. The cool temperatures (which means free air conditioning for the house!), the yellow, red, and orange shades of leaves falling over our back yard. High school football is in full swing. Cody's first golf tournament of the fall season is coming up. The Tri-State Fair kicks off Friday night. And then one of my most favorite events of fall... homecoming week. This Friday's game will be my favorite of the season. When the sun sets, you can see all the lights from the Fair behind the stadium. You can smell the corndogs and funnel cakes in the air. The cheers from the fans, the jingle of the bells on homecoming mums. It's the perfect Friday night football game. I can't wait. :)
~jen
~jen
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Here comes my ranting...
Well for those of you who haven't heard.... it's Hell Week around these parts.
In case you don't know what Hell Week is, here is Wikipedia's definition:
"Hell Week, also referred to as "Spirit Week" is the week in which Amarillo High plays Tascosa High School in a severe football rivalry. During Hell Week, many vandalisms occur such as egging, spray painting, toilet papering, keying, and other property defacing acts. In 2006, vandalism ranged from simple chalking on sidewalks to bricks being thrown through windows. In 2007, fellow Senior Sandies of 08' spray painted the black "T" in front of Tascosa gold. However, many steps are being taken to attempt to make Hell Week less violent, such as increased police presence. Both schools also discourage violence during announcements."
"Hell Week, also referred to as "Spirit Week" is the week in which Amarillo High plays Tascosa High School in a severe football rivalry. During Hell Week, many vandalisms occur such as egging, spray painting, toilet papering, keying, and other property defacing acts. In 2006, vandalism ranged from simple chalking on sidewalks to bricks being thrown through windows. In 2007, fellow Senior Sandies of 08' spray painted the black "T" in front of Tascosa gold. However, many steps are being taken to attempt to make Hell Week less violent, such as increased police presence. Both schools also discourage violence during announcements."
Back when I was in school I never once even thought of stepping out after dark during Hell Week for fear of getting caught by the local police for even looking towards the direction of Tascosa High School! I was basically content to let the football players bash each other's lights out during the game. That was enough for me.
Fast forward many, many... many years and now I find myself in a new predicament... the recipient of Hell Week vandalism. While we have no certain proof that the vandalism to our car is from a THS teen, the timing and color choice of paint provides enough certainty that more than likely this is related to the upcoming game.
Cody made a comment to me after we discovered the vandalism that maybe I should take down my AHS Sandies window stickers. He implied that maybe if I had not had them on my car, we wouldn't have been targeted. Maybe so. However... I am so very proud of those Sandie stickers on my back window. I am so proud of Cody that he has been able to make not only the golf team, but the basketball team as well. As his parent I have the right to put those stickers on my window. I have the right to be a proud Sandie. I have the right to put my Longhorn sticker on the back of my window. Or a Steelers emblem on my window or any other sticker I want to put on my car! You know why? Because IT'S MY CAR!!!!
So to the criminal who got a 45 second thrill from splashing red paint all over the front of my car... you are a JERK. Just because you don't like my Sandies stickers, or my Longhorn stickers... (who knows it could have been a disgruntled OU fan for all I know) You have no right to vandalize my property! Want to know why.... BECAUSE IT'S MINE! I work to pay for that car! I work to pay for the insurance for that car! AND I REFUSE TO TAKE DOWN MY SANDIES STICKERS!!!
My ranting is done. *Sigh* Not sure I feel any better.
~jen
Friday, August 21, 2009
That time of year again...
I can't believe that this is the last weekend of summer vacation! How time has flown! We have had a wonderful summer. We've golfed, golfed some more, put a few miles on the Pilot, had some memorable hotel stays, played a little basketball, golfed, spent countless days at the pool, played a little more golf, and soaked up as much fun and sun as we could! :)
It's been a great summer. I've watched both my boys grow and experience amazing things. While we didn't get to do everything that we wanted (Caden really wanted to take tennis lessons this summer, but we just didn't get that worked in), we had a fabulous time.
Now it's back to reality! We had Caden's meet and greet last night at his school. He has a very nice teacher. She is an OU fan, much to Caden's delight! He is super excited about starting school on Monday! I hope he has a wonderful year.
Cody is getting more excited about school. Not so much about the academic portion of school but more for the athletic portion! He's itching to get on the course (one would think he's played enough golf!) and the court! We are hopeful that he will have a place on both teams. He's going to have to work hard this year as the competition will be getting tougher. So, to show he's committed to both sports he will be working out on his own on the basketball court 2-3 days before school starts. He also knows that he must improve his GPA. He had a few set-backs last year and he needs to get back to where he needs to be. We know he will do fine this year. We are hopeful that he remains healthy this school year!
I spent a portion of my day getting out all my fall decorations. Fall is my favorite time of year so I couldn't wait to dust off the pumpkins and fall garlands! In less than a month it will be homecoming and the opening of the Tri-State Fair! I can't wait! :) Here's a couple of pictures of my hard work today! All I am waiting on now are the fall mums to put in my flower pots!
It's been a great summer. I've watched both my boys grow and experience amazing things. While we didn't get to do everything that we wanted (Caden really wanted to take tennis lessons this summer, but we just didn't get that worked in), we had a fabulous time.
Now it's back to reality! We had Caden's meet and greet last night at his school. He has a very nice teacher. She is an OU fan, much to Caden's delight! He is super excited about starting school on Monday! I hope he has a wonderful year.
Cody is getting more excited about school. Not so much about the academic portion of school but more for the athletic portion! He's itching to get on the course (one would think he's played enough golf!) and the court! We are hopeful that he will have a place on both teams. He's going to have to work hard this year as the competition will be getting tougher. So, to show he's committed to both sports he will be working out on his own on the basketball court 2-3 days before school starts. He also knows that he must improve his GPA. He had a few set-backs last year and he needs to get back to where he needs to be. We know he will do fine this year. We are hopeful that he remains healthy this school year!
I spent a portion of my day getting out all my fall decorations. Fall is my favorite time of year so I couldn't wait to dust off the pumpkins and fall garlands! In less than a month it will be homecoming and the opening of the Tri-State Fair! I can't wait! :) Here's a couple of pictures of my hard work today! All I am waiting on now are the fall mums to put in my flower pots!
The only draw-back to setting out these decorations is it brought on many questions from Caden about the count-down to Halloween and Christmas! I already got a Christmas wish list from him! :)
Hope everyone has a wonderful first day of school next week! For those that already started, I hope those first few days have been great! Please join me in praying for a safe school year for all our children.
~jen
Golf Pictures and Final Statistics
2009 Golf StatisticsNorth Texas PGA Junior Golf Foundation
-Competed in 16 golf tournaments
-Placed in the top 3 in 6 tournaments
-First place finish at Elm Grove Golf Club in Lubbock with a 75
-Qualified and participated in the Ewing Automotive West Area Championship in Midland, TX and the Ewing Automotive Tour Championship in McKinney, TX
-Finished the season in 8th place out of 194 participants in the West Texas Boys 14-15 Division
-Placed in the top 3 in 6 tournaments
-First place finish at Elm Grove Golf Club in Lubbock with a 75
-Qualified and participated in the Ewing Automotive West Area Championship in Midland, TX and the Ewing Automotive Tour Championship in McKinney, TX
-Finished the season in 8th place out of 194 participants in the West Texas Boys 14-15 Division
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