A Conversation with Caden

A few days ago, Caden and I had a heart-to-heart. Lately he’s had a terrible case of the “I wants”. As in “ohh… I want that”, “mom, mom… come here… (pointing to the TV)… I want that”. He also has a case of the “Can I have that?” and “Let’s put this on my Christmas list”.

Back to our heart-to-heart… While searching through the plethora of Black Friday ads for Christmas gift ideas, he started the ohhs and ahhs; and before long came the “I want thats”. It had been a long day. I was tired. I was calculating in my mind the bills that were still left to pay, and on top of that, adding up the endless Christmas list that was evolving. I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to go on the black Friday shopping spree that I so desperately wanted to do this year. I was beginning to not like “Santa”. Santa has been all the talk of our home lately. Santa this, Santa that. How many more days until Santa comes? Where will Santa put our gifts? How will Santa come down our chimney? Enough. Enough. Enough.

I was sitting in the floor across from Caden who was creating giant black circles around his “I wants”. I took his hands in mine and said, Caden… you need to know that you will not get everything that you want this year. OK?” His response, “Why?”. I tried to explain as simply as I could that we could not afford to buy everything that he wanted. That daddy and I would try and get a few of his most favorite things. He replied with, “that’s ok… Santa will bring me what I want”. Deep breath, thoughts of “I hate Santa” formed in my mind. I explained that Santa would not be bringing everything that he wanted this year, either.

This is where our heart-to-heart ended with my heart breaking apart. He looked up at me and said, “but, mom… I’ve tried to be so good this year”. (Give me a second because the tears are flowing once again.) How does a parent even begin to respond to that? I just wrapped him up in my arms and hugged and kissed him and told him that he had been a very good boy, that he is always a good boy and that I was sorry.

I tried to explain that Santa was very, very busy this year… making extra special toys for all the good boys and girls, but not everyone would get everything that they wanted. That there were some little boys and girls who did not have Wii’s, or Playstations, or Xbox’s, or a closet full of toys, that there were some little boys and girls who did not have anything… so Santa needed to give them extra special toys and that the little boys and girls who had so many things would get less this year.

His six-year old little mind seemed to grasp what I had just said. He was not upset or mad. He simply said ok.

I am beginning to resent this commercial Christmas. I am beginning to resent the pressure of Santa. In our home, Santa will get 90% of the credit of the boys’ Christmas presents. Cody understands. He knows who Santa is. He understands that Mike’s income fluctuates based on car sales. It always has. It’s just harder this year. I am so fearful that my children will be disappointed Christmas morning. That Mike, myself, and most importantly… Santa... will have let them down. I am not sure they see the blessings that they (and me… I have to remind myself that) have everyday.

I'm trying to have the happy, jolly, holiday spirit. I am trying to be happy for my kids, especially Caden. Like any child, he's been counting down the days 'til Christmas since Halloween. He loves Christmas. He loves the idea of Santa. We watched The Polar Express last week. He wanted to know if everything he saw from that movie was real. I lied and said, of course it is. What else was I supposed to say?

This is one of those "for me" posts. This is one to look back on months from now and know that I survived (at least I hope) another day in the life of Jennifer. Say a prayer for us. If you have suggestions, have been through similar experiences, take a moment and post a comment. Let me know I'm not alone.

~jen