First day of school

So here it is, the morning of the first day of school. The moment that I have dreaded since probably May is here. I was nauseated all day yesterday; I don’t feel quite right this morning. It’s a combination of nausea and butterflies. It’s like that feeling right before a big final exam.

I dread this morning. Is it horrible for me to say that? I dread the moment I let go of Caden’s hand as we reach his classroom and he goes in without me. That moment that I hand over one of the most precious things to me to someone I don’t even know. To watch him walk into that classroom full of 19 other children. Will they be nice to him? Will they make fun of him for the way he talks? Will he be scared? Will he have a good day?

I dread the moment I pull into AHS’s parking lot and Cody gets out of the car. I dread the moment I lose sight of him as he enters the school. Will he find his way? Will the upperclassman be kind to him? Will he realize that this is the beginning of the rest of his life?

I dread the moment when I come home to an empty house.

Does anyone else get this? I feel that I am so alone with these feelings. It is after all, just school. It’s not the end of the world. Mike doesn’t get it. A few moms that I’ve talked to don’t get it… their just happy that school is starting so they don’t have to deal with their kids. (I’m not saying that’s necessarily a bad thing, each mom is in a different situation and it’s not my place to judge.) I just don’t know why it is affecting me this way. Why I could just break down in tears at any moment. Why is this so hard?

Is it because I have been so wrapped up in the kids this summer and have been living for them… for the golf tournaments, the days and days at the swimming pool, the parties… and now I don’t know what to do with myself while they are at school? Does that sound reasonable?

Is it the realization that both of my children are crossing some rite of passage? Is it the fear of the unknown? Both kids are at new schools. I don’t know anyone… by anyone, I mean anyone… at Caden’s school. I don’t know the office staff, Caden’s classmate’s parents; I don’t even know how to get through the school without getting lost. At least there is some familiarity at AHS, but there are probably only a handful of teachers there that I know from my high school years.

I need someone to psychoanalyze this. Maybe I need someone to psychoanalyze me. Maybe I am crazy. Or maybe I am just having a hard time realizing that my children are growing up. That I am old enough to have a child who is a freshman in high school and that my own days as a Sandie were not just yesterday (even though it feels that way); and that my baby is no longer a baby, but is a big boy now.

My prayer for both my boys is that they will be safe today, that they will both have a great first day of school, and that they will know that I love them more than anything in this world.

~jen