I love watching A&E's Intervention. While I don't struggle with any drug or alcohol addiction, I am in need of an intervention.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.
For years I have suffered with depression. I've been on antidepressant medications off and on. More years without than with.
I seem to be in a funk lately. Unhappy with several aspects of my life. I find myself crying more than laughing. Breaking down at a moments notice, sometimes for no real reason. Although over the last couple of weeks, just struggling with Cody turning sixteen has brought many tears.
For the last several Sundays, I have sobbed at church. From the moment the first praise song starts to the very last prayer, I sit and cry. I am sure those sitting near me must wonder what is wrong with me each and every Sunday. I have wondered on more than one occasion just what is wrong with me.
Why can't I be happy? This person that I am today is not who I once was. There was a time when I was so very happy, bubbly, always smiling, always laughing, confident, outgoing, carefree, fearless. Do you know at one point I was fearless? Today, I see myself as shy, quiet, withdrawn, embarrassed, ugly, ashamed, sad, unhappy, depressed.
There are days that I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to deal with anything. I just want to lie in bed all day. Of course life gets in the way of that plan and I can't just stay in bed. There are responsibilities.... like kids, work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping. Life doesn't stop just because I don't want to get out of bed. So, I go through the motions. Fake the smiles, fake the laughter. Wave at the neighbors. Go to work. Attend the family functions. Put on the brave face only to feel like at any point, everything will come crashing down.
There are days when I wish more than anything I could rewind the years to when I was happiest. Miranda Lambert has a new song out that brings me to tears faster than anything.
I know they say you can’t go home again
I just had to come back one last time
Ma’am I know you don’t know me from Adam
But these handprints on the front steps are mine
Up those stairs in that little back bedroom
Is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar
I bet you didn’t know under that live oak
My favorite dog is buried in the yard
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone elseI thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
Mama cut out pictures of houses for years
From Better Homes and Gardens magazine
Plans were drawn and concrete poured
Nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama’s dream
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
You leave home and you move on and you do the best you can
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am
I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
This brokenness inside me might start healing
Out here it’s like I’m someone else
I thought that maybe I could find myself
If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave
Won’t take nothing but a memory
From the house that built me
I've thought about the houses that have built me. There are several. The very first home my parent's called "home". Our home in Hobbs. The house on Summit. My grandparent's homes in Electra. Southwest Church of Christ. A two-bedroom apartment. A duplex in Canyon. 3 bedroom rent house in Ridgecrest. A home of our own.
I've wondered at what point the carefree, happy me became who I am today. No one particular moment is to blame for the depression. It just happened. "I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am".
I need to find myself. I need to find my happiness. I need an intervention. So, I am creating a self-induced intervention. Starting with this very public blog. I titled this blog, "Thinking Outloud" and that's what I am doing. I'm sharing my story. I'm openly confessing... I am depressed. Maybe by putting it out here in the open, someone else who struggles with depression will realize that they are not alone.
This old world can be hard at times. Struggling with marriage and children can be hard. Forgetting who you once were and trying to find that person can be hard. Sometimes it just gets to be too much and you lose your way. I'm trying to find my way again. I'm trying to find me.
~jen
2 comments:
that's the thing with depression jennifer, it's consuming. you're not alone in this struggle...
just take one day at a time.
hugs, love & prayers for you sister friend.
Jennifer, Many years ago when you came into the Conrad family,I felt then we would be close and share much.I realy was labeling it"the In-Law stuff" we would share.You know- new to the family and wondering if I would ever really be a part of this group.Never did I think it would be the dark place I go to that would be one of our sameness traits to share. I think,at times,what I feel is not depression but the awarness of what it is to live in this world.All of the "humaness" we see and experience each day. Some days are very trying and the world is cold. So the reality of what human life can be is too much and we shut down to repair. Jen,you know me I'm not at all ashamed to let people know my life(if I put it out there then they have less to speculate or create on their own)so I share a very real and open blog also. It is a release of pain or at least a place to "see" for myself what is going on in my head. I think this is a helpful step to "recovery" so thanks for being brave enough to put yourself out there in veiw of others. Several years ago I had a job I hated,parents dying,my children growing and changing --all too much to deal with at one time.So to the doctor I go. I was mortified when he put me on antidepressants. I thought he was saying I was going "Crazy" --Okay more than my character craziness-- which was not what he meant, but anyway. He told me about the enzyme released when crying and how one's body replaces those enzymes in due time.But if one cries quite often one's body doesn't replace the enzymes as quickly as needed. So in sets these feelings of sadness which the medication helps to regulate the chemicals in your system. But all of this you know. What I'm saying is the meds are a coping device,blogging is a coping device and tears are a coping device for the world and all it's joys. I too have a song I use when I'm in that dark place and it has helped me many times...Brave by Jamie O'Neal....it speaks of how the power to heal and rise up is in us. Not the coping devices we fall on. Jennifer, we will rise up from this place and go to Glory. We are only human and have only human reactions to this world..... "I can be courageous and still be so afraid ...I've dicovered pain is the beginning to a change....somewhere deep inside us there's a strength we don't know we have...just when you think you can't go on suddenly there's a path. Let the storm rage around me ..I will stand ..I will fight... when the darkness surrounds me I will make my own light..I may not win every battle but I'll get stronger with every fear I face. I'll be brave ...every time I get back up it gets harder to knock me down cause my soul is on steady ground......Let the storms rage Jennifer but we will be ....BRAVE. Love you Baby Girl!
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