Grief. Day 19.

What I'm learning about grief is it comes in waves. Sometimes they are as gentle as the evening tide... sometimes they are ten feet high and I can barely catch my breath. Just when I think I'm getting back to "normal life" (whatever that is), a storm starts to brew and the waves build in strength. 

Some days, I pray for this to be over. Just let me get on with my life. I'm sure my husband and kids would love that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Broken. Hurt. I am beginning to hate who I am. There are days where I am just unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be sad. What I am realizing is I don't just grieve the loss of Papa, but I grieve for the new life my Granny must journey. I grieve for my mom in the loss of her dad. I grieve for moments of time spent with him watching the OU/UT football game, phone calls, kissing his forehead, hearing his voice.  Moments in time such as this one that I only shared with Michael and my closest friend... Four days before Papa died, he had been in and out of consciousness. I had been sitting beside him watching him, praying, replaying years of memories. He opened his eyes and stared into mine for several seconds. Then he quietly asked... "How did you get so pretty?". I gently said... "From Granny and Mom.". He smiled and closed his eyes. That moment will forever be one of my most precious memories. 

What I'm also learning through grief is a personal spiritual strengthening. Not a day has passed that there isn't an all day dialogue with Jesus. Many times during the day, my conversations shift to Papa. What have you been doing?  I miss you. Please watch over Granny. Be with us all. Can you see me when I stare at the clouds? What is heaven like? I will always miss you... 

I've cried an ocean of tears. Even now, they come as quickly and as numerous as they did shortly after he died. I know it's only been a few weeks and this journey is going to take time. I have to take the time to complete the journey. It may very well take the rest of my life... and that's ok. 

 *Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we have loved. Where there is deep grief there was great love. -Unknown

I love you, Papa. Always. 

~jen

To my Papa

I stared up at the few clouds that were in the sky today while at Caden's golf tournament. What must heaven look like beyond the clouds? I've wondered what you've been up to for the last 6 days. Oh, the family reunion that must still be going on! Give Wylie a hug for me. She was such a wonderful great-grandmother. 

I miss you terribly. I still can't believe you are gone. You were such a good Papa. Continue to pray for each of us every night... I love you, Papa. 

~jen

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Six

When I started working as a hospice nurse, I began preparing myself for this moment...and it's here. For every little Grandpa and Grandma I cared for as a hospice nurse... I always thought of my own. I'd remind myself that someday, this will be my family walking this journey. How would I want them treated? That one question directed the care that I provided to each of my patients.

After many months of my Papa battling recurrent pneumonia, the decision has been made for a transition to home hospice. Tomorrow, we bring him home from the hospital. 

The decision between aggressive treatment and palliative care is a slippery slope filled with many "what-if" and "I wish" and "If only" phrases. "What if he gets better, what if he gets worse?" "I wish someone would just tell us what's going on." "If only we knew what to expect." 

At the end of the day, the only truth we know is that we don't know what tomorrow holds, but we know Who holds our tomorrow. 

~jen

21 Years

21 things I love about Michael (in no particular order!)....

1. He asked, I said yes.

2. He makes me laugh.

3. He loves our boys and is the best father he can be to them.

4. He is a hard worker.

5. He could have walked away, but he 

didn't.

6. He forgives.

7. He deals with my moodiness.

8. He cleans (sometimes).

9. He's put up with me griping about football for the last 21 football seasons.

10. He has beautiful blue eyes.

11. He's supportive.

12. He loves his family.

13. He grills my steak just how I like it, but complains every time that it's not how steak should be eaten!

14. His laugh is contagious.

15. He is the calm to my crazy.

16. He accepts me as I am.

17. He is patient.

18. He is very smart. 

19. He answers my silly questions without laughing. (Most of the time.)

20. He encourages me.

21. He loves me as much as he loves the Steelers! (I think.) ; ) 

Happy Anniversary, Michael. I love you.

XOXO,

~jen

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Five

Making a phone call to a family member informing them that their loved one has died is probably one of the hardest parts of my job. Even though I try my hardest to prepare each family on the signs and symptoms of approaching death, that phone call is most always met with disbelief, sudden grief, and often tears. I try to take a few minutes before that call to quiet my thoughts. To focus on what I need to say. To calm the shakiness and emotions in my voice. To pray. Then I make the call. I think about how I would want to hear the news if it was my loved one. 

Last week I had the honor to witness a patient take their last breath. It was just the patient and I in the room. I had just arrived for my visit, but after one look and watching one breath, I knew death was close. I stayed at the bedside. Death came. I silently wondered if the room was filled with angels. What was that exchange of life on this earth to the next like? Silence filled the room. I opened a window. Gathered my thoughts. Made the call. Within an hour, I was on my way and moving on to the next patient. 

Each death stays with me. Especially the ones that I have the honor and duty to pronounce. There is no greater silence through a stethoscope than the absence of a heartbeat. It is a very profound moment. In that one moment life has forever changed. The patient. The family. Friends. Caregivers. Me.

~jen

Graduation Day

As I type this, we're on the highway somewhere near the Oklahoma/Kansas state line heading to Independence, Kansas for Cody's graduation from ICC. We traveled this same highway almost two years ago. We had just left Cody for his first semester of school. I cried for miles. I remember Michael asking at each little town we passed on our way home, "you ready to stop for lunch or should we keep going"? It was quite a while before I had my tears under control. Every text message from friends checking on me would send a surge of new tears. I couldn't talk to my mom until we reached Texas! I didn't know how I was going to survive this change in our lives. I had just left my first born in a college dorm, several hundred miles from home! Would he be ok? Would he do well in his classes? Would he stay out of trouble? Would he eat? Would he wash his clothes? Would he miss me?

How two years have changed us. I thought it was ironic that the place Cody would gain his independence was named Independence. We survived those first several weeks before he came home. We survived again until Christmas break. We survived the summer break (it was definitely time for him to go back to school after that summer break!). We survived. He did go to class. He did study. He made friends. He did his laundry (or maybe Brooke did!). He stayed out of trouble. He played some of his best golf ever this spring semester. He's graduating. Hopefully along the way he missed us some. What he probably doesn't realize is, he's carried a part of our hearts through all of this. Every milestone. Every accomplishment. Every great shot on the golf course, we've been there in spirit. 

I can not tell you how proud I am of him. It's immeasurable. It's the kind of pride that makes my heart swell, brings tears to my eyes, and a smile to my face.

~jen 

Season of Lent

Being married to someone who was raised in a different faith than me has impacted our marriage... both for the good and the bad.  I've sat through many marriage sermons where this very topic was the key message.  I would sit through those sermons thinking... I hear you.  You're preaching to the choir, preacher.  I'm living this.  I know how hard it is.  It was especially hard in those early years.  I had been raised in one faith.  Michael in another.  It was hard to mesh those two religious beliefs together.  Because let me be clear, if there was a religious spectrum, our faiths would be on opposite ends of the spectrum!  I remember the very first mass I attended.  Christmas Eve 1993.  I remember fighting back the tears.  I had never seen a Catholic service.  My only knowledge of the Catholic church were the nuns that I had seen on The Sound of Music!  There I was... newly married, still getting to know my husband's family, a non-Catholic sitting in a pew of a Catholic church in a very small town (need I say more?!?)!  I didn't know when to sit, stand, was I supposed to kneel, what to speak.  But, over the years of attending numerous Catholic services, weddings (I have 7 sisters in law!), and funerals, there's now a level of deep respect for their beliefs, rituals, services.  There is a level of intrigue as to the why's of their religion.  But as I have matured (read: aged), developed a deeper level of my own faith and beliefs, there is a respect for the beliefs of my Conrad family.  Now I can attend a mass and know when to sit, stand, and when to offer a sign of peace to those around me.  I know during Lent, to not host a family cook-out on Friday night where hamburgers are the only option on the menu.  We'd need to have a fish fry.  : )

As this season of Lent approached, I dug a little deeper into this particular "why" thought.  I did a little studying of my own about Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, Ash Wednesday, Lent, and Easter.  Growing up, there was nothing celebrated as we approached Easter Sunday.  There was no giving up of something, we ate meat on Fridays. Lent was not something we participated in. There was the buying of the Easter outfit for church, knowing that the Easter Bunny would hide candy filled eggs for us to find Easter morning.  But, I knew the meaning of Easter Sunday, the significance of the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ was much more than a bunny, candy, and a pretty new dress.  As I've matured (again, read: aged) there's a deeper desire to truly experience Easter Sunday and it's importance (I still like a pretty new Easter outfit, though!).  This year, I've decided to participate in my own version of Lent.  I thought hard about what I could "give up" over the next 40 days.  I made my decision to give up Facebook.  I thought about the amount of time (probably hours!) I spend on this site.  While there can be such good from it (staying connected to family and friends, sharing scriptures and positive thoughts), there is such a negative side to it (those who love to vague-book, post negative comments, politics). Sometimes I allow myself to get all wrapped up in the drama of it. I truly feel that it is an addiction!  So, I made the plan to give it up for the next 40 days.  In it's place I decided to read a chapter a day in Mark and Luke (luckily there are 40 chapters in these two books of the Bible!).  I recently downloaded several bible study books and I want to read a couple of those during this time.  I plan on performing acts of kindness each week leading up to Easter.  I want to incorporate Caden into this as well.  I want him to have a better understanding of the importance of Easter, that it is much more than an bunny and candy filled eggs).  He has been asking many questions about baptism and I see that he is reaching that age and maturity of accepting Christ into his own life (which as a parent, just makes your heart and soul smile).

Last night I deactivated my Facebook account.  Then as I checked my emails, I read an email I had received from a 60 day weight loss challenge I recently signed up for.  There is a daily Facebook check in component to the program.  There goes my plan to give up Facebook!  So, I can't give it up completely, but I can sure limit my time on it.  While I had hoped to shut it off completely (it's so much easier to delete that app off my phone!), I think limiting myself will be much more of a challenge.  Until my weight loss program starts, I'm challenging myself to stay off of Facebook.  (Of course, that is, right after I share this blog post on Facebook. Then I'm done.) ; )

While these are simple things that I want to challenge myself to do over the next 40 days, the deeper realization is that these things (limit time on Facebook, daily bible study, act of kindness) are things I should be doing ALL THE TIME, not just for the next 40 days!  (There's an ah-hah moment for sure.)
 
Blessings to each of you and however you choose to celebrate the upcoming season of Lent and Easter.  May we all remember the importance of Easter and apply it to our own lives as we continue to grow deeper within our own faiths. Because at the end of the day, whether we're Baptist, Catholic, Methodist, Church of Christ, a Non-Denominational Christian (or wherever you fall on that religion spectrum), we're all trying to get to the same place at the end of our life journey. 

As for Michael and I, our journey for togetherness and oneness in all aspects of our marriage continues.  We have respect for each other's upbringings and religious beliefs. We are trying to raise our boys to know Christ and to accept Him into their lives.  Our family is not the same as what mine or Michael's was when we were growing up.  I've stopped comparing our life to what we each had with our parents. 

At the end of the day, I am a sinner. I'm just trying to get through this life the best I can. I want to honor God in who I am and how I live my life. I'm a wife and a mom who has failed her husband and children by not always setting the best example for them. Everyday, I try to do better. It's through grace, pure and perfect grace, that I am walking this journey. I'm a Christian who was brought up in a Christ-centered home with loving parents, attended the Church of Christ for many years, baptized in a metal water tank behind a chapel at church camp, molded by grandparents (both Baptist and Church of Christ) with deep-rooted beliefs, and married to a Catholic. None of that defines me more than this... I am a child of God. 

Blessings, 
~jen

Self-Induced Time Out

There's a saying... something along the lines of... If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best. Well, folks... I may be in one of my "worst" phases. And I realize that the following blog post my leave some of you offended and others possibly questioning my sanity... or maybe even both.

Tonight, after perusing through Facebook, which let's be honest here... is something that I feel I have lost all control to... I came across a couple of posts that just sent me in a tizzy! 

I can't believe she just posted that! Oh my goodness, if they only knew what MY life is like right now! There was lots of eye-rolling and puh-lease comments (that's a sarcastic "please").

Then I took it a step further and decided to create my own retaliation Facebook posts.

Something similar to...

I just tried searching for one of those cute ecards with a countdown to Christmas vacation for nurses. Oh wait. Those don't exist.

Then there was this one...

Dear Stay-at-Home Mom,

I do everything you do plus work 40 hours outside the home. 

The line has been drawn in the sand. I know. It's harsh and it's deep. And I fully understand after this post there may be "blocking" or even "unfriending". And I'm ok with that. (No, that's not a "I dare you to" statement.) 

This is where I am people. I am at a place where there needs to be a little self evaluation. If I can't rejoice and be happy for my fellow facebookers in their upcoming Christmas vacations (even though they've been counting down the days since the Thanksgiving break, and knowing full well that after the Christmas break there will be a spring break countdown... and let me dig this just a little bit further... after the spring break countdown there will be the end of the school year countdown) or be happy for that mom who gets to stay at home (even if she complains about not having enough hours in the day) then I need to seriously look inside my heart... and more importantly the Christian that I claim to be. 

So if you haven't already blocked me or unfriended me after just reading the above few lines, hear me out. 

Here's where the work begins. I'm signing off of Facebook until after the first of the New Year. Facebook has become all consuming in my life. This is my self-induced time-out. 

I hope to use this time to reevaluate my negative thoughts and to find my own happiness. To focus on what's important. To stop the all-consuming comparison game. To end the pity party that I've got going on.  And most importantly, become the Christian that I am supposed to be. 

Sigh.

That was super deep. 

Love me even when I'm at my worst, people.  

To those that are still reading this and still loving me... forgive me if I offended you.

May you all have a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year. 

Until next year...

Love,

jen

PS... For Pete's sake, text me if you post something exciting on Facebook! 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

I have to confess that I'm very disappointed in myself that I couldn't commit to five minutes (or less) to daily post what I'm thankful for! So I'm going to attempt to get this finished tonight. 

Day Nine: I'm thankful for Cody and the joy that he has brought to our family. He's made me the mom I am today. Together we're still growing into the mother and son we're supposed to be. With every last, first, and challenging experience, we're both growing. I am so very thankful for this firstborn child of mine.

Day Ten: I'm thankful for friendships. Old friends, new friends, Facebook friends, friends who've shared the last 20+ years with me, friends who've come and gone, friends who've come and gone and come back again. 

Day Eleven: I'm thankful for the opportunity to Pay It Forward. This month I've been trying to celebrate my birthday by performing random acts of kindness. While in the drive thru at Roasters, I paid for the coffee for the lady behind me. I surprised a close friend by buying her lunch. I wrote special cards of thanks to co-workers. I made homemade cinnamon rolls and shared them with my office staff. I had originally planned so many more acts of kindness to perform, but maybe next year I can complete my list. 

Day Twelve: I'm thankful for the blessing that is Caden Thomas Conrad. What a ray of sunshine this child is. Always smiling with such a giving, sweet spirit. He keeps me young. He makes me laugh. He is such a blessing to our family.

Day Thirteen: I'm thankful for the vacations we have taken this year. Michael and I have been married for 20 years and up until this year, we had never been on a "real" vacation. This year we were blessed to take 3 separate trips to LA and Vegas, Denver, and Pittsburgh and Vegas. Amazing memories for our 20 year together. 

Day Fourteen: I'm thankful for my in-laws. There's a bunch of them. They are loud and rambunctious. But I wouldn't have them any other way! 

Day Fifteen: I'm thankful for our beautiful house that we've created a home. For years I thought home ownership would always be out of our reach. I love this home we've created for our family. 

Day Sixteen: I'm thankful for the hard worker Michael is. For the blessings his job has provided us with. For his boss, co-workers... they are more than that, they are his friends. For the love and concern that they have for each other. They are a family. 

Day Seventeen: I'm thankful for my new car. Part of the blessing of Michael's job is the opportunity to save money on the purchase of our cars, and the service of those cars! 

Day Eighteen: I'm thankful for my beautiful new wedding ring. I've waited a long time for this ring. I will cherish it, and the one who gave it to me, forever.

Day Nineteen: I'm thankful for my job and the patients and families I serve on a daily basis. I am honored to walk the journey of dying with them. To help bring them to peace with the process. To educate, to care for, to provide comfort, to hold their hands, wipe their tears... cry along side them. What a blessing this calling has been. 

Day Twenty: I'm thankful for having the courage to pray with my patients. 

** That's going to be all for tonight. Trying to type on my iPhone is getting more difficult. More to come soon....

~jen

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Eight:

Today I'm thankful for date nights. Dinner and a movie. Nothing too exciting. But time spent with Michael is always wonderful. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Seven:

Today I'm thankful for my lunch date with Michael at his office. Just a shared moment of having a meal together. Nothing special, but just a break out if the routine of the work day to reconnect. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Six:

Today I am thankful for such a wonderful hair stylist. Jennifer at Catwalk Salon is amazing. She's more than someone who just cuts, colors, and styles my hair. She's a counselor, she's a support system, she will even cry with me on my worst days. I leave her salon feeling so much better about myself.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Five:

Today, I'm thankful for the gift of another birthday. For co-workers serenading me with the Happy Birthday song. A gift from two very special co-workers. Birthday wishes through phone calls, text messages, and Facebook messages. Birthday cards from relatives many miles away. Working out with my sister-in-law, who celebrates a wedding anniversary on this same day! I'm thankful for the blessing of another day of life. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Four:

I am thankful for days when I don't give in... quit... give up. Tonight's workout was a killer. Not one I wanted to go to. But, I went. And I'm so thankful I did. Because this feeling far surpasses the feeling of quitting. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Three: 
I am thankful an extra hour of sleep.  I love this time of year.  The crisp mornings.  The shades of yellow, orange, brown on our trees.  Falling leaves.  Warm fires.  Scarves.  Coffee.  I just love fall.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day Two: 
I am thankful for Saturdays.  Work week is done.  Time to reconnect with my family and my house, which is needing some attention. 

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Day One:

I am thankful for our Heavenly Father's unfailing love. I struggle daily. I fail. Multiple times. But I'm trying. Daily, I'm trying. I'm so thankful for His unfailing love.

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Four

I prayed out loud with a patient last week. Never in my nursing career have I prayed with a patient. I've prayed for my patients numerous times, but I never have had the courage to ask if I could pray for them... with them. There was a definite presence... an urging... that gave me the courage to say the words, "Would it be ok if I said a prayer for you?" It was an awkward prayer filled with uncertainty that I was saying the right words. I stumbled over my words. Tears formed in my eyes. Silently saying a concurrent prayer for the right words to comfort my patient.  This patient desperately wants to die, to be reunited with family who are waiting for this patient to join them in heaven. There's such a longing to be in heaven, to spend eternity with our heavenly Father.  I prayed for death to come quickly and peacefully for this patient. This patient has asked that when they die, for me to be happy, to rejoice in their death... for they will be seeing Jesus and reuniting with family.

I've said it before... this is the hardest job I've ever done. To be honest, there are days that I don't want to do it anymore. It's too much. But then there is a moment, such as this one, where I know I am meant to be doing this job. There's a hidden blessing... courage to pray out loud for a patient.

~jen

Bittersweet Emotions

Tomorrow will bring many bittersweet emotions.

~Cody leaves us to head back to Independence, Kansas to start his sophomore year at Independence Community College. I don't think any of us are ready for him to leave, Cody included.  We have had an amazing summer with him home. We have truly enjoyed watching him continue to grow into the young man he is becoming. We couldn't be more proud of him.

~Cade will compete in the NTPGA Junior Tour West Area Championship tomorrow in Canyon. This is the final summer tournament leading up to the Ewing Automotive Tour Championship in McKinney. He is currently in third place out of 62 in the West Summer Series. We are so proud of him and how hard he has played this summer. He's had some really tough competition this summer. Tomorrow will be no different. 

~Tomorrow evening, Michael and Cade fly out to Dallas for the Regional Qualifier round of the PGA Drive, Chip and Putt Championship on Tuesday. The winner of Tuesday's round will advance to the final championship round at next year's Masters. We are all rooting for Cade to win and take us to the Masters!!! ; )

Tomorrow evening will find me all alone in a quiet house. The full weight of the countdown clock of summer coming to a close will be most evident in the silence.  It's all so bittersweet to see the summer end and a new school year begin. Cade will be entering his last year of elementary school. This will be Cody's last year at Independence. Another year of lasts. 

Once again I find myself leaning on the words of the great philosopher, Dr. Suess... "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.". 

There will most definitely be tears tomorrow, some of sadness, some of joy, but mostly tears of how proud I am to call Cody and Cade mine and the blessings they bring to my life with every  first and every last. And that... makes me smile.

~jen

Things I've Learned from Hospice Part Three

In the 23 months I've been a hospice nurse, I've said goodbye to almost 40 patients.  40 lives that have blessed me.  40 lives that continue to stay with me.  40 lives that have changed me.  I am not the same person I was almost 2 years ago.  I've grown.  I've learned.  I've changed.  I try not to get so upset about the little things anymore.  Life has a new, different perspective.

I recently said goodbye to my youngest patient.  This patient will forever change me... will forever stay with me.  Death is unfair at times.  Robbing a family of precious time.  Death is expected at the end of a long life's journey, but when life is taken so soon into the journey it seems so very unfair.  I struggled with confidence in saying the right words to this patient.  Battling a war between speaking the words "don't stop fighting, don't stop praying for a miracle" and seeing the signs of approaching death and fearing that the prayers for a miracle would not be answered. 

I've prayed countless prayers not only for my patients and their families, but for me as their nurse.  Prayers to know what to do, what to say.  There is no training for this.  There's no script.  There's only compassion, and love, and care for what I do and those that I help take care of. 

Hospice isn't necessarily about dying... it's about living until you die. 

And as a Christian, it's about knowing that your last breath on this earth... will be followed by your first breath in Heaven.

~jen