Some days, I pray for this to be over. Just let me get on with my life. I'm sure my husband and kids would love that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Broken. Hurt. I am beginning to hate who I am. There are days where I am just unhappy. I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to be sad. What I am realizing is I don't just grieve the loss of Papa, but I grieve for the new life my Granny must journey. I grieve for my mom in the loss of her dad. I grieve for moments of time spent with him watching the OU/UT football game, phone calls, kissing his forehead, hearing his voice. Moments in time such as this one that I only shared with Michael and my closest friend... Four days before Papa died, he had been in and out of consciousness. I had been sitting beside him watching him, praying, replaying years of memories. He opened his eyes and stared into mine for several seconds. Then he quietly asked... "How did you get so pretty?". I gently said... "From Granny and Mom.". He smiled and closed his eyes. That moment will forever be one of my most precious memories.
What I'm also learning through grief is a personal spiritual strengthening. Not a day has passed that there isn't an all day dialogue with Jesus. Many times during the day, my conversations shift to Papa. What have you been doing? I miss you. Please watch over Granny. Be with us all. Can you see me when I stare at the clouds? What is heaven like? I will always miss you...
I've cried an ocean of tears. Even now, they come as quickly and as numerous as they did shortly after he died. I know it's only been a few weeks and this journey is going to take time. I have to take the time to complete the journey. It may very well take the rest of my life... and that's ok.
*Grief is the last act of love we have to give those we have loved. Where there is deep grief there was great love. -Unknown
I love you, Papa. Always.
~jen
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